To get the children christened if DH doesn’t believe.

[Bonniebonchoco]

AIBU to get the children christened if DH and his family don’t believe. DH believes religion causes war and suffering and is not supportive of same sex relationships and is basically a tool to suppress uprising in poverty stricken counties where citizens fear the church.

I was brought up RC and would attend Church around 10 times a year with family . I went a RC school . I am very open minded and feel religion ( in all its forms ) was something which I enjoyed learning about and have taken some comfort in.
I am really open minded and never felt that religion caused me to judge others or myself . I only attend church a few times a year - Christmas and Easter .

I would like my twins ( aged 18 months ) to be christened . After much discussion, DH will compromise and allow them to be christened COE but not RC.

I do not want a big fuss made and a party. I want a low key christening during service and that’s it. I have spoken to the COE and the Reverend is happy to christen the children .However - I just can’t help feel this doesn’t make sense if DH isn’t fully on board . DH is very supportive and usually very laid back however he and his family do not like religion. I respect DH and don’t want to bulldoze him.

I am tired as I have had two babies and i just don’t know if I should press on with the christening plan and cause ‘stress’ from the opposing views . Or if this is my wish for my children then I just make it simple, organize it and do it and anyone who doesn’t want to attend doesn’t need to come .

I want the children to have the option of attending the local faith school where I attended but the head teacher has explained I will need the children christened for them to stand a chance of getting in.
DH said he will look at all schools and of this is the best suited for us the children can attended.

AIBU to push ahead ? I don’t want to cause friction but I don’t want to just people please.

Your children can decide if they want to be christened when they’re older, so they have a choice in the matter, rather than enforcing it on them when they have no say.

It makes zero difference to their life at the current time.

For me - it is either COE or nothing . I am sad to have nothing. So I thought COE was the compromise.

COE would also mean my children could go to the Catholic School- this has been confirmed by the Head. Currently due to low birth rates they are now accepting children of other faiths to fill spaces.

What a horrible, hateful thing to say.

The views of both you and your DH are equally valid. It sounds as though your DH is willing to compromise, so you need to stop worrying and have the courage of your convictions. Unless, of course, you are hesitating because your own convictions aren't particularly strong, in which case it might be best to leave it.

DP and I are atheists, but he is from an RC background. One of the first things his dad said when DS1 was born was 'Right, we need to see about getting this wean baptised'. Um, hold on there matey! There was nearly all out war when we said we weren't having him christened. DP suggested that we do it to keep them happy and I understood the pressure he was under, but there was just no way that was happening. It would have been completely different if DP had still been Catholic and wanted to have DS baptised in keeping with his own beliefs, but that wasn't the case.

If he's opposed to the teachings of the Catholic Church how does he feel about them going to a Catholic school?

If you're happy with it that's totally fair enough. I wouldn't personally have liked his framing of the issue.

Exactly so.

I've previously baptised the child of a Christian mother and a Jewish father - he simply stayed silent for the vows that he could not, in all conscience, make.

I wanted to give my child the very same option. They're* 17 now and don't follow any particular faith but if they wanted to I would support them in their choice.

For many people I think a Christening is simply an expected part of child-raising when in reality the parent and godparents have no interest whatsoever in bringing the child up according to the chosen faith.

*they are agender.

You don't go to Mass. You're Catholic but would get your children baptized Church of England?
None of that makes any sense to me - how would they be baptized unto your faith if they're baptized into a different faith?
How can you promise to raise them as Protestants when that's not what either if you are?

I'm sure this is painful for the OP, but I find it very amusing that the compromise between a Catholic christening and no christening is a C of E christening. Like C of E is a half way point between proper Christianity and atheism.

I really can't see your DH being happy about them going to a RC school when they're older - whatever you decide now, there's going to be trouble further down the line.

I'm sorry, but any "god" who would exclude an innocent child from "heaven" because a parent hadn't had them christened/baptised etc wouldn't be anything I'd want to support regardless of me being an atheist.

You want to do this for you, not them. But you are their parent as is their dad and one doesn't get more say in this than the other.

I do however think getting them baptised in a church that neither of you follow/attend sounds like madness.

I'm a practising Catholic, husband atheist. We agreed before getting engaged to be married on what we'd do about weddings/ kids/ baptisms/ schools etc. It doesn't mean it's not straightforward but we at least knew where we were headed. Both kids baptised, husband at both services, stayed in his seat and didn't speak at either. Didn't attend eldest's First Holy Communion or Confirmation. Children understand why. Both attended church with me (youngest still does, eldest has decided he doesn't want to). Both attend/ attended RC primary. It's hard - religion ends up being a difficult issue but at least my children understand that we can be a loving family and believe different things. They're also open minded and curious too. I think you need to explore modern teachings and views on the fate of unbaptised babies, it's a teaching that hasn't really got a strong grounding in the Church and isn't held true by many people now (myself included), a bit more info here https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/whats-the-deal-with-limbo

So I am the non believer and DH is the believer. Our shared DC are baptised (I also have another DC).
Why did I go along with it?
It matters to DH, he believes and it’s also family tradition.
I was raised religious and went to RC schools and yet still was able to think for myself and question things and landed on being an atheist.
I think religion is a personal thing and felt that the DC need to be free choose not to continue with following the religion once they are older. DH agreed to this.

My eldest isn’t baptised as his father wasn’t too bothered about it.

should press on with the christening plan and cause ‘stress’ from the opposing views

He said yes. What is the stress?

I couldn’t help but laugh at -
Like C of E is a half way point between proper Christianity and atheism.

I will need to think a lot about this situation . The values of CoE and of RC and myself . Then decide the way forward.

thanks all for the replies and feedback.

I'm not sure your DH has compromised. I'm wondering if he's offered an alternative you won't be happy with so that you decide against it and he gets his way.

A pp suggested having them christened on a visit to your mum which sounds like a lovely idea. It could still be low key but would have meaning to you.

So the OP should ignore her DH's wishes altogether and get the DC baptised as catholics against his will?

Your DH question is straightforward - yes, you should have the children christened because as you want to and your DH is fine with it. Yes, it is people pleasing to not want to because you’re worried about upsetting people when the people in question have given you permission.

What I find baffling is that you want to have your children christened in the CofE when you’re RC. Catholics and Protestants do not hold the same beliefs - such are the differences wars were fought over them. It makes no sense and suggests you are less connected to your faith than you may think. A Jewish person would not have their child christened in the CofE as a halfway house between Judaism and Atheism notwithstanding that both Jewish people and Christians believe in the same God.

My DH and my views differed on religion, so we gave our DS the choice. He was baptised age 9 having attended church and made his own choice. He goes to church each week with me and DH goes for brunch. It's worked out well for us all!

He goes to a non religious primary but Catholic secondaries are an option for him. Be aware some Catholic secondaries offer priority to kids in feeder primary schools, others solely by if they are baptised and live in the diocese.

Around here a lot of babies are baptised to get into the local Catholic primaries and never seen much until holy communion in Year 3. There is no point going down the Catholic baptised/school route if you DH wouldn't support this either.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this, but it's a very long thread and I've only read the first handful of responses.

Have you considered a baptist dedication instead? Baptists don't believe in christenings as they feel that religion is a decision that can only be made by a person once they are adult. So instead they do dedications for children where the parents promise to introduce them to religion and church and God in order for them to decide for themselves.

I'm an atheist and I wouldn't care if someone had baptised my babies. It's meaningless to me and they won't remember it so no skin off my nose.

I would care about them going to a faith school, though. Your husband's priorities seem a bit back to front to me.

My parents were in a very similar position to you, @Bonniebonchoco - except that it was my dad who was the church-goer, and my mum was the non-believer.

They decided that my sister and I would be christened, but that mum would not go to the services, and that, once we were old enough, we could make the decision as to whether we went to church or not.

I don't recall going to church as a small child - and sadly neither mum nor dad are still here for me to ask them - but I started going when I was about 8 or 9 - we'd moved to a little village, and dad got involved in the church, as a way to integrate into the community, and my sister and I went along with him. We were in the church choir for years.

I never felt torn between mum's and dad's beliefs, or that there was friction between them on the subject of faith. They even found a compromise for where they'd be buried - obviously dad wanted to be buried in the churchyard, but mum wanted to be cremated and scattered, so the compromise was that they would both be cremated, and the ashes interred in the churchyard - mum was OK with her ashes being there, but not with her body being there.

Both my sister and I were married in church, and mum happily came to those services.

I wonder if the reason your husband is suggesting another church is because he feels Catholicism has such extreme views, on many subjects. Is he trying to, mistakenly, dilute this? In his mind.
Reading your post, there's so much fear, guilt. Not much "faith".
I consider myself a Christian, I believe in Jesus Christ. What I've read anyway. But he's lost in all of this religion/culture/nonsense. Made up rituals, to separate and divide. All thought up by men, across the centuries. I just really dislike "religion ", illustrated on here very well by the division and rules/beliefs that old men have written, made up, at a time when you probably wouldn't even get a seat in their church.

Do you honestly think Jesus Christ will turn your kids away at the gates of heaven? Genuine question because I don't know.

Judaism isn’t a form of Christianity. Catholicism and Church of England are both forms of Christianity where Jesus is the Messiah. You might be better comparing different areas of Judaism such as orthodox and reform-and some Jews are secular of course.

Yes, I agree with this. I would be much more concerned about a religious school than I would about a baby baptism!