To get the children christened if DH doesn’t believe.

[Bonniebonchoco]

AIBU to get the children christened if DH and his family don’t believe. DH believes religion causes war and suffering and is not supportive of same sex relationships and is basically a tool to suppress uprising in poverty stricken counties where citizens fear the church.

I was brought up RC and would attend Church around 10 times a year with family . I went a RC school . I am very open minded and feel religion ( in all its forms ) was something which I enjoyed learning about and have taken some comfort in.
I am really open minded and never felt that religion caused me to judge others or myself . I only attend church a few times a year - Christmas and Easter .

I would like my twins ( aged 18 months ) to be christened . After much discussion, DH will compromise and allow them to be christened COE but not RC.

I do not want a big fuss made and a party. I want a low key christening during service and that’s it. I have spoken to the COE and the Reverend is happy to christen the children .However - I just can’t help feel this doesn’t make sense if DH isn’t fully on board . DH is very supportive and usually very laid back however he and his family do not like religion. I respect DH and don’t want to bulldoze him.

I am tired as I have had two babies and i just don’t know if I should press on with the christening plan and cause ‘stress’ from the opposing views . Or if this is my wish for my children then I just make it simple, organize it and do it and anyone who doesn’t want to attend doesn’t need to come .

I want the children to have the option of attending the local faith school where I attended but the head teacher has explained I will need the children christened for them to stand a chance of getting in.
DH said he will look at all schools and of this is the best suited for us the children can attended.

AIBU to push ahead ? I don’t want to cause friction but I don’t want to just people please.

Well, we weren’t married in a Church as we have different ideas . We of course discussed the matter of children and religion before even getting engaged.
DH wasn’t just going to go along with a church wedding for me as he felt it was wrong to do so. I wasn’t insistent we got married by god . I was just so happy to be married .
I don’t believe people who aren’t the same belief can’t get married ! I don’t think that is true. DH is amazing and respects me and I him. Hence the compromise of COE.

What? No it wasn’t

OP, this is clearly important to you so I think you do it.
I don’t think you have to believe in every Christian doctrine and obey every rule to decide that this particular ritual is important to you.
I do Christmas stockings for my kids every year and feel very strongly about needing to do that even though it doesn’t fit in properly with how Christmas is celebrated here and how the Santa Claus story works here. I don’t care, I need to do the stocking to feel like Christmas has been properly celebrated. The ritual is important to me and I want to pass it on.
It’s not a facetious example. I know Santa Claus is just a story and that religious belief is not really comparable. But even with a ritual that everyone except young children accept as just a story, passing that ritual on to my kids is important to me. It’s ok to want to christen your child even if you can’t explain why in religious terms.

Oh, I'm not saying that people with different beliefs shouldn't get married at all. DH and I have different beliefs as it happens, and we rub along just fine! However, neither of us believes that the other is going to hell... and personally, I'm not sure that I would want to be with a partner who believed that about me, but I get that some people wouldn't really care.

As far as any kids are concerned, I would expect that, if faith (or lack of it) is important to either party, that these things would be discussed and agreed before marriage so that questions wouldn't arise later on.

Anyway, it sounds like you have reached a compromise that both you and your DH can live with, so that's good. If he is genuinely happy with the proposal to get them christened in a CofE church, and you're happy to accept that as an alternative to a Catholic baptism, what was it that made you doubt that decision/start this thread?

My husband is an atheist and I totally get why he would tolerate c of e but not catholic. The fervour, shaming and cover ups, celibate priests telling people how to run their sex lives plus the scarring of his parents due to a strict catholic upbringing turned him off for life. If you’re religious but your other half doesn’t share your belief, a catholic upbringing is pretty hardcore. C of e seems a compromise everyone can live with.

For me it comes down to if it’s more important for you to have them christened or for him not to.

if he was just indifferent, I’d agree with you in a heartbeat. If he’s actively against it, it has to be weighed up about who cares more.

His family’s opinions don’t come into it. I’d also want something a bit more convincing than “cos religion causes wars”.

For very obvious reasons, wild horses couldn't pull my kids anywhere a Catholic church

Very much agree about allowing them to make their own choice when they're old enough

In any case if your DH is anti and you only attend church a couple of times a year what's the point? It's not as if you'd be bringing them up in the faith community so there seems little reason for this

I don’t understand why he’s agreed to COE when he doesn’t believe/agree anyway? Why not just christen them the same religion as you?

The C of E is not a watered down, slightly more palatable version of Roman Catholicism. The priest you spoke to is not doing his own church, or your beliefs, justice if he offers you a baptism date without any preparation or further conversation, knowing that neither you nor your husband are committed to Anglicanism.

Because atheists are a bit dog in the manger about religious faith, because they don’t have it, they don’t want anyone else to enjoy its manifold benefits either.

More vocal about the faults of Christianity, though…..

I would not be at all happy about them being christened if I was your husband. In fact it would become a show stopper for the relationship.

I don't see the point in having them Christened C of E if you are RC. I find that a strange "compromise" to be honest. If you're going to have them baptised it might as well be in the faith you follow.

Neither church has covered themselves in glory. The RC church with its historic sex abuse and the C of E is essentially the Tory party at prayer.

Most people I've known who have had their children christened have done so more out of tradition than a burning urge to follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ anyway.

That's nonsense.

It isn't anything to do with not wanting other people to enjoy the benefits of their faith. I'm genuinely happy for anyone who finds a faith that helps them in their daily lives, but I also know that that isn't everyone's experience of being part of an organised religion.

If my dc finds a faith when she is older, and it makes her happy, then I will absolutely respect and celebrate that. However, I wouldn't have wanted to bring her up to believe in something that I don't personally think is true. What would be the point of that?

This. I'm a Catholic so I believe that baptism is a sacrament and I therefore had my children baptised into the same faith. The CofE is a Protestant church and there are material differences in belief. I couldn't have my children baptised as CofE as I don't believe in all of their teachings so how could I raise them in that faith? If I'm not raising them in that faith, why would I have them baptised in it?

If the children are not baptised as Catholic, this is going to have a knock on effect with other sacraments. Will they make their first Holy Communion? If so, that will be over the age of 6. The church will recognise their baptism (so long as baptised in the name of the father, son and Holy Spirit) as valid but they won't be members of the Catholic Church so won't be able to join prep classes. Instead they will need to prepare to be received into the Catholic Church and then have first Holy Communion.

Over the age of 7, they are essentially treated as adults and have to go through a long preparation process. If they are not at a Catholic school, this is a huge amount of work for parents to undertake at home and with regular meetings with a priest or someone who can catechise them nominated by the priest.

I would consider most sincerely why you went your child baptised. CofE baptism is not going to help them get into an oversubscribed Catholic school. A Catholic school is going to be infused with Catholic teaching and culture. What is your husband's position on that if he doesn't even want them baptised as Catholics?

i am constantly baffled by any religion that baptises (or whatever) children before they can make an independent, informed decision.

I am particularly baffled when it is a religion that is anti women and has a lot of issues around abuse by religious leaders.

YMMV.

(but in your husband's shoes? i would be very very unhappy about this. Very much so)

I'm a rc and my husband is an atheist and had no problem with me christening our dc but I'm in ireland where its a very cultural thing

no. Many many atheists used to belong to a church. Most of the ones i know would probably, gritted teeth, go along with a CofE christening because we have seen the cover ups of the sexual abuse and protection of priests over children, and we read about the shaming of women (mother and baby homes etc).

Given the choice, if my (catholic as it happens, severely lapsed) DH had insisted on a baptism and i had the choice between catholic and pretty much anything else, i'd have taken the anything else.

And in common with many atheists, i don't have a problem with the religion as such, but the way it is performed.

Can't understand why he's bothered at all if he's an atheist. If you are RC, then that's where they should be baptised. Why bring CoE into it at all?

If you believe and will take the DC to church with you then I don't think it's your DH place to stop it being done. He does not have to attend the christening or the church.

This.

its quite an odd “compromise”

A CofE Baptism is more a celebration of the child and an opportunity for the parents and Godparents to agree to raise them in a Christian way. The child then gets to make this decision for themselves when it comes to Confirmation.

Just a note on CofE Baptisms, most Godparents are required by
the Church to be at least baptised themselves (ideally confirmed) so this might
be a consideration for you OP.

My faith is important to me as it obviously is to you OP. My DH is less religious however he understood that the Church and religion were important to me so was happy that our kids were baptised and introduced to Christianity. What they choose to do after this is down to them and they have all made their own minds up on whether to be confirmed or not – that piece is down to them.

I'm not religious i have a different spiritual and ethical belief system but my husband is devout Roman Catholic. It was important for him to have our son christened. My family didn't attend, I saw it as something for his family. He went out with his family for lunch after and I looked after our son (he has additional needs). The christening was very low key, but it made my husband so happy. It's fine that it doesn't matter to me

I'm an atheist from a CoE family. My cousin (also CoE) married into a RC family. Based on what I've observed from how that has worked out, I think you should baptise your children RC. They may choose to be atheists later, that's fine, but there is a large amount of difference between CoE and RC in terms of beliefs and practices, honestly. Your DH should respect your beliefs and your culture. I think if you aren't RC you don't really appreciate how much of it is culture outside church as well as religious services inside church (from what I've seen).

Ours were baptised. This was to please my religious parents, get them into the Catholic school and have a family do.

Didn’t overthink it.