AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

Why do you feel like you’ve wasted your life because you couldn’t leave the house at night? Most things happen during the day?

Genuine question- is it on the social side you mean?

You ate not BU. I feel exactly the same. I split up with Ed H 14 years ago (2 DC who are now teens) and I feel like I have totally lost who I am.

DD is autistic and had lots of MH problems which already means I fly under the radar of 'groups' / couples.

I don't know what the answer is - other than to say you are not alone xx

Yeah, stuff like I'm doing now, going to gym, going to yoga classes, going to book group, theatre, concerts. I couldn't do any of that even though I like these things. For over a decade of my life. I just think it's a shame.

Maybe people in couples don't do these things but I wasn't in a couple either. I went to work, broke my fucking neck to do childcare pick-up, did all the boring housework, alone, then sat alone watching telly, then went to bed alone. It was like lockdown, but for thirteen years. It was shit, quite frankly.

You are BU in as much as you're worrying about the past which there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about. As it sounds like you're now doing, you have to look forward, get out there, and do all the things that you feel you missed out on, and in all seriousness, you have by always being there, given your child the love and support they needed, which is NEVER wasted OP. Just move on and never look back would be my advice.

But this is not right! Why do women have to do this? Jesus Christ if I had done as my ex did I'd be in court for child neglect. Why do we have to put our lives to one side? We only have one turn round the sun, all of us.

perhaps a good way forward is to make the best of the time you have left although it is easier said than done. Your feelings are understandable though but take heart in the fact you were busy raising someone who is hopefully a wonderful human being that will be very thankful for you.

I do think it’s a shame that it appears you didn’t have any friends or family who could take your child overnight or for a few days. I’ve often did that for my single parent friends. But you can’t turn back the clock.

I’ve found it a privilege looking after my kids. I don’t regret any of the sacrifices I’ve made 🤷‍♀️ But I’ve enjoyed it. I like spending my evenings with them, they make me laugh and we play games together. It sounds like you have been miserable with your kid 😬

Ugh I'm just embarking on life as a single mum after he ran off with OW. So annoying to know he's doing all this romantic stuff, but when I look at my lovely baby I think he's the one missing out not me

Hoping to lean on my parents so I can get out and have a life again beyond being a parent, but actually I'm enjoying it overall!

It's not about misery or not liking being with your child.

You don't sound like you're in a similar circumstance, otherwise you'd be more empathetic.

Agree with previous poster you need to look forward instead of back / you have almost half your life ahead of you!
My life doesn’t sound that different and I am in a couple - except for the watching telly alone bit.
You are still young!
But if it is troubling you this much I wonder would it be good to speak professionally to someone - just to try and reframe your thinking around this and try and see the positives?
i’m sure you must have a much better relationship with your child than their Dad does?

I wouldnt class it as a waste of life. If you didn't have kids and you were here now at this age, looking back on years of partying, gym, meals out, drinks out, etc etc.....Would you call that a waste of life because you didn't have kids?

No, not miserable. I love him and he brings me great joy.

But, being in sole charge is like being under house arrest. It's the logistics of the thing, it's exhausting. I couldn't even walk to the shop for a pint of milk, after 7pm. Every single act, deed, intention, you bounce it off "got a kid" and mostly that means you just don't do stuff.

But you're doing it now

I agree it’s out of order and I’d happily see deadbeat fathers jailed or fined massively.

But all women don’t need to do that - that’s why they say the man you choose to be your husband or father your child is one of the most important decisions you can make. Unfortunately some of the decisions we make have lasting consequences. That is not to blame you but just to logically say this is often how women can end up in these circumstances. Sometimes it helps to reflect on what responsibility we have for how our lives turned out although I do get that it’s not an equal playing field and some are more fortunate than other.

By the sounds of it your child had a terrible father and they didn’t get a choice in that at all so perhaps just focus on your newfound freedom and supporting your child in adulthood.

Yes but now I'm old, fucked up and I've lost close to two decades of my life!

Well you haven't wasted your life, you've raised your children and that is great. I understand how you feel and how unfair it is that it hasn't affects him, but you're only 50 and you can start living your life to the fullest now. It's not too late

@Bunny44 oof what a twat. You gave him a child and he didn't appreciate you.

He's definitely missing out but hate to say it you will also miss out. Not in terms of your baby, but in terms of you. Sorry. And you'll be told that it's worth it because you've devoted yourself to your now-grown baby. At which point you can't do anything, just as you couldn't when you were left holding him. Again, sorry.

You haven't lost 2 decades, you've raised a child and presumably done lots with them over the years. That's not losing your life, it's just living it in a different way. You have your freedom now. You'd maybe benefit from chatting to a professional about your feelings.

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit ah, sorry to hear you are feeling similar. It's shit, isn't it?

I'm 44 and my DC are coming up 6.

Left (escaped?) my ex when they were 5 months old and it's just been the 3 of us. No family alive or near. No friends that can help with childcare.

It's been lonely, often hellish and I felt trapped/resentful and I lost myself.

Both DC have SEN; I have my own cross to bear with physical disabilities and MH issues (related to trauma and undiagnosed Neurodivergence).

So, I'm years behind you in parenting terms, so our situations are by means comparable, but I do understand having an absent, useless ex and zero support.

I think I've had to start putting myself to the fore again, in part because I made myself pretty unwell last year with neglecting my own needs in the pursuit of trying to support my DC (all SEN related stuff, both in school and at home).

I have not socialised since I had my DC and wouldn't be able to afford a sitter even if I could find someone who cope with both. So, I've had to.work really hard on myself to find what I can do to bring something of value to me amidst the relative chaos of life.

It may not appeal to everyone, but just started a creative writing course and found a part of me that I thought I'd lost.

I don't think people telling you that you haven't wasted your life in raising your child as you have is helpful, if that's how currently feel. Maybe the new opportunities you're able to explore have served as a start contrast to the years you didn't have the same relative freedom.

At 44, I am so not done with life, but I regret the years I wasted by being unhappy and resentful. I was a bit of a martyr to my cause, as I chose to put DC first in such a way that it was to my own detriment (I'm not saying you have done this at all).

Might a course of Counselling help? I'm not always pro-therapy for everything, but have found it helpful in the past just to have someone paid to listen to me articulate thoughts and feelings I couldn't share with friends and/or acquaintances.

You've raised a whole human being all on your own, that is the achievement op. To put it another way, I have a friend who has a stellar career. Earns more money than she knows what to do with, travels constantly and yet she admits her regret in life was never having a child. She says that she wishes she could have been brave enough to have done it on her own too. I know she would trade her success for your situation.

I think it is unfair and that's why you feel it is. But...
You can't change the last 20 years. You can spend the next 30 being resentful and pissed off.

Or..
You can spend next 30 years doing positive things for you.
Easy for me to say as I am not you.
But factually, you can not change anything that has happened.
Please find some happiness outside history

Is that not what having children is about though? It is supposed to be about sacrifice. We choose to gave up a lot of freedoms so we can raise children. It's for sure harder when you don't have support around you, but seeing it as a life lost is a terrible shame. You aren't too old to change that now. But if you hold on to this defeatist attitude, you will actually lose out on the rest of your life and won't be able to blame it on your ex/child.

I hear you .
I became burnt out raising my three sons with no help (bit of an understatement) from their father then had to retire early on health grounds .
I had such plans for my retirement but now struggle to keep body , heart and soul together .
On the plus side - my sons love me . I can mortar and render things , process firewood, put up shelves and I own my house . The roof doesn't leak much and I have a shed .
I still feel pretty pissed off sometimes though - about how my life and the lives of my boys could have been had it not been so relentlessly grindingly hard .

I understand where you're coming from but your ex won't have the love and respect of his DC for hopefully decades to come. You reap what you sow.