AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

I think you should probably speak to someone. Like others have said you can't change the past. You're thinking about what you have lost, but not what you have gained. Speaking to someone could help you form a more balanced view. Also, although undoubtedly harder I don't think your experience is very different from a lot of couples with children. I think it's common not to have the opportunity / time / energy to do things for your own enjoyment when you have children (at least in my experience).

You're not BU but you have been a great mum and that's an important thing.
I work with loads of kids with lousy parents and it's awful.

I would etc describe it as a waste of your life because you have raised a child and that's a bloody big achievement.

However, I agree entirely that you have missed out on a lot that many others take for granted. And it can take time to build a network when you finally do have the opportunity to socialise.

I think just try to make the most of now, it's your time! You'll be much more appreciative of your freedom than most people so you can harness that by putting your time to good use.

Maybe find a workshop that interests you or a group say for waling/running/cycling or a book club type things. These are fun and inexpensive ways to socialise and build new friendships

yanbu OP. It sounds awful and many friends say similar, even the happily coupled up ones. I count myself very lucky that I chose never to have kids.

I think 46 is a young age to get those freedoms back. A good friend of mine goes to yoga, singing lessons, open mics etc etc and she is 70. Like you, a good decade was taken out over childcare, I think this is so often the way.

I think you could start cultivating a new life and new interests / passions, this will help you stop looking back.

I can appreciate how you're feeling. You had a child and you stepped up to the task of looking after him. His father is a selfish sod who didn't do his part.

I am a few years older than you and find myself evaluating my life and kind of wondering where it went. I think you have to acknowledge those feelings then count your blessings and carry on being as fulfilled as possible.

I can see why you feel this way but honestly, I don't know why it happened. I am a child of a single parent and I remember doing loads with my mum. We went to theatre, cinema and ballet together, we went exercising at weekends and she definitely could leave me for 20 minutes at home to run to the shops from a relatively young age. We also read a lot and we did things at home together which didn't involve watching TV.
I also went to groups twice a week so she had time to herself for at least a couple of hours. And she even managed an evening university course after work.
I appreciate it was a long time ago when children were allowed to play outside unsupervised and could walk home from school and make themselves a simple meal. So maybe there is an element of children being considered younger for longer these days (of course, this is not considering SEN which is a whole other thing for parents to deal with).
At the end of the day, you cannot change the past and being angry about it won't help. You have your freedom back - enjoy it to the fullest!

He's 16, he's been old enough for you to leave him on an evening for a few hours for a while.

I'm a single parent and we're nearly always out every evening. I've built a life that accommodates being a single parent. We go skating a couple of times a week and to a gymnastic gym where adults and children can train together. We both have friends in the rink and and the gym, so it's both social and exercise and I've learned to do all sorts of cool shit that I always thought was just fantasy stuff for ordinary people.

You're being a bit unreasonable OP - and I say that as a similarly- aged single mother to 3 DC.

First of all, you aren't old! That's nonsense (the fact I'm 47 may influence my view!)

Secondly, you absolutely could have done some of the things you mentioned - my DC were 2, 4 & 6 when my marriage ended, I've essentially looked after them on my own, sporadic engagement from ex, no family support. I still was able to exercise, around their activities, nursery hours, my lunch break in work.

There's lots I couldn't do - like you, going out was unaffordable and not worth it, as I felt v isolated from others who didn't get what was going on.

Stressful times for me have been when I've had unavoidable work commitments including travel.

I think it's possibly more that you resent your ex, entirely validly, for taking away choices and opportunities from you. J completely get that & feel the same. However, my ex was abusive so these options weren't on the table.

Now is the time to look forward & make plans for your happiness now.

You've got your relationship with your son, and your crappy ex hasn't.

Funny how it's still only women who are expected to give up their identities, hobbies, often careers, and sacrifice themselves - and be grateful for it too - if it's such an inherent part of being a parent.

I understand how you feel op, it must be incredibly difficult to give up so much to raise a child when the other parent does what they like and doesn't have to make any sacrifice at all.
However I think dwelling on it isn't going to help you feel any better. Your child is 16 now and your life isn't over! Could you start to think about what you want to do with your life now that choices are opening up to you?
My kids are 8 and 12, I'm not a single parent so I'm not comparing my life to yours - but my DH works away during the week most of the time and has done so ever since the kids were tiny. I do get a bit resentful that I can't go to classes at the gym etc and I have to deal with all the school runs etc alone, but I am also looking forward to the future when I will get a bit more freedom.

But I'm already doing stuff! I just took him to Mexico on holiday. I go out with him and see my friends all the time day and night, I just take him with me. I did gym classes over Christmas when we had family staying who baby sat.

I'm lucky though that I have parents who are massively involved.

I plan stuff all the time. The thing that I'm missing out on currently is sex since he left me while pregnant and clearly its difficult to date while breastfeeding = b
Massive dry spell. But I'm not really overly bothered by that.

Youre annoyed youve had to parent your child for 16 years? Many mums do things alone and miss out on loads not just single parents. Parents who work different shifts one comes in one goes out. They dont get time to themselves either. You could have dropped hours at work or worked 4 longer days to get a day off while DC was at school? That was upto you. I dont think many mums get alone time. YABU. It wasnt wasted you had your child with you

But you have raised a child single handedly, you should be so immensely proud of that!

Embrace the next decade and don't look back, relive your youth and prioritise yourself now, do all of the things you feel you've missed out on.

Being bitter about your ex and the past won't change anything, it will just steal your joy.

It is bullshit that women get stuck with it 99 times our of 100. A lot of women still do the majority of the work even when coupled up. They suffer because they're better at most things and they care too much..it's a bit like the more competent employees in any job, the better you are the more you get stuck with everyone's else's work and problems. It is OK to feel angry about the unfairness but Tey to focus on what you do have. Is your health good? Do you have things you enjoy? Do you have a good relationship ship with your child? These things are priceless, try to make the most of what you have despite being pissed off, which is OK. An easier life isn't always a better life. Yes he's lived as if he has no child but has it really been that fun or meaningful? I can't say, but most of the best things in life take effort and commitment.

Poor kid. His dad walked away, and his mum feels like she “wasted her life” by raising him.

YABU.

No empathy for a lone parent with no support. Shame on you.

She is entitled to speak privately, and the fact the she feels she has wasted her life is probably down to burnout and putting her child first for 16 years.

Easier to just punch down on other people than to be compassionate, though.

I hear you. I have two. They are young adults now and I'm 52. I did have occasional help from my mum so slightly better, but it was never more than one night and it wasn't regular.
I missed out on so much. Birthday parties, hen weekends, weddings. No going to an exercise class. More or less under house arrest other than work or soft play. It was really shit and I was really depressed. For years.
I've recently got married though and life is on the up but I'll never forget how sad I felt for years.
My children really do love and appreciate me though. That's something.

Op... I'm not a single mum but I do understand what you are saying. I think a lot of people who have lots of help and support don't actually realise that those with none are under virtual house arrest. It's very easy to say that you love spending time with your kids and it's the best thing in the world when you get regular breaks and can still live your life.

I too was a lone parent ( with no family support) for all of my now adult son’s life but my experience was different to yours. Yes, it was at times frustrating that I had a more limited social life than friends in couples but I had a great time with him. From when he was very young we went on theatre and cinema trips, (cheap) pub lunches and restaurant meals, lots of day out to places like National Trust parks etc. I also used to organise reciprocal sleep overs so I could go out.
Why did you just watch the telly?

Even with single parents the experience can vary wildly.

I know a woman who is divorced but her ex has 50/50 custody. She has an amazing life because of this. She goes out all the time...she goes on child free holidays and weekends away.

But didn’t you say you were happy doing it at the time? In which case it isn’t wasted. What would be wasteful if if you spent the time you have left dwelling on it instead of enjoying your new found freedoms.

You are looking at it the wrong way.

I think it's pretty normal for the majority of parents to have a restricted social life, not to do adult only stuff like Theater or a rock concert or an Art gallery...
Even certain types of holidays.

You raised a beautiful DC instead, you'll never be able to do that again. But you can now do all the things you missed again. So stop looking backwards, start looking forwards!