AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

I'm so sorry that you feel like this, you sound really sad and like your're grieving for lost opportunities. I think there's some processing to do about your feelings and maybe a counsellor could help you. It might be a way of moving your feelings on and allowing you to live your life the way you want to. If it helps, I'm 50 and, although my circumstances are different, I feel like I'm living my best life now. Hope is not lost and your future can be bright. Sending love to you x

@sheenaisapunkrocker thank you, yes I think some counselling would help. I don't know what's going on that I'm thinking this - maybe it's menopause, maybe a midlife crisis (!), maybe it's because I didn't really have the time or space to consider any of it when I was in the thick of parenting, but these are uncomfortable thoughts, for sure.

Well, you're not dead yet.

I have a supportive DH, supportive family, do babysitting swaps with other families nearby, and guess what - I still feel like I've lost myself because raising kids just takes up most of your brain bandwidth and it's hard to engage with other stuff fully while you're doing it.

But like I said, you're alive and free now. What will you do with yourself?

You are completely reasonable to feel anger at the arse of a 'father' who left you to shoulder 100% of the load. But you are still relatively young, so try to let that anger go and enjoy your time as much as you possibly can x

What will you do with yourself?

Good question!

I have recently started doing some voluntary work on the side in a field I have some knowledge in, always enjoyed but never pursued and that was impractical to do with child-raising. Maybe it won't pan out to become paid but maybe it will which would be awesome - I am so over being in bloody offices. It is also more flexible. My ideal would be to gradually move over to this until it becomes my main source of income which will then give me more scope to take chunks of time away and ... dunno, travel I guess is the main one, I would be the mad old bat in the youth hostel that no one is quite sure why she's there.

That’s so patronising. Having children isn’t for everyone & not everyone who hasn’t had children regrets it. Life can be more rewarding for some people without children. It’s ok for people to state that & the OP may have had a better life without a child.

Don't waste your time on regrets, that time is gone, and you will have some good memories I am sure. I can see your point of view, however don't use a single second of now, on unpleasant memories, that will not enhance your life. It sounds as if you are using your time well, and your child as an adult, will appreciate all you have done. Be angry, acknowledge that it wasn't fair on you, then forget it and live!

You know, this comes up on mumsnet now and again - it's a little regular!

I wonder if some sort of network could be started, where mums group together and look after each others kids

I don't know that it's patronising as it's well meant but it is inaccurate - no one would trade a successful career for being a lumpy angry burnt out single parent whose top dream is youth hostelling.

It’s not your whole life though is it? It’s a period of time where you put your child first and that is wonderful, and is not wasted. Your child will reap the reward of that.
life has stages - and you are through that stage - now is your time . Time to turn things around if you are not happy with the status quo.
I am I a similar situation raising two young children mostly alone . I tell myself this isn’t forever x

What wondrous things did ex achieve with no responsibilities?

Well you know you can't turn the clock back by one second.

So in your shoes (and I am a bit) I would say - be proud of yourself for being such a dedicated mom and now it is your time to- so you can do all the things you've been missing out on.

I would rather be in your position with a child than be child free and been to a hundred bars / yoga lessons etc. I had my dc late so had a lot of life and now I am very devoted to my child and unable to live and follow all my passions. But that time will come again.

What wondrous things did ex achieve with no responsibilities?

Annoyingly, he is very successful and well regarded.

(However, he is still a twat.)

Dh and I stayed ina YH in the Highlans -I wondered how we’d cope with the noisy music, late nights - everyone was old!! We’re 70s.

You were with your child though, I find that. Lucky thing. You can start stuff now and have hobbies etc but you did the most important thing you could do for another person and your ex missed out on the experience. I’d say he missed out on life, not you

Hi OP I’m the same raised my dd for 16 yrs alone.
Had a breakdown in may last year after having similar feelings to you just so depressed and sorry for myself.
I’m 44 and not to be patronising really believe it was peri making me feel these sudden onset of feelings. Basically waking up one morning and all of these feelings hitting me like a train.
I am on hrt and antidepressants and although have some way to go definitely feel better in myself.

Wow, what a shitty and condescending response. Are your children still at home? What are your plans for when they grow up and make their own lives?

@TheCirclea presumably he doesn’t have any relationship with your son though so he’s the one missing out!

Op it is unfair and unjust. I think you need to grieve the time and opportunities you've lost. And the life you thought you was going to have in those years or dreams you had.

Now isn't the time for silver linings or glass is half full Outlook that will come but you must first release those feelings. They are real they are valid. We successfully release grief when we have a witness to hear it sit there with us in it. I would suggest counselling with a good therapist.

I relate to all you've said so much. I have my own grief to work through. It's the best thing for us and for our children is to work through our own shit. I know for me I wouldn't want my children to feel I resented having them. So I have to come to terms with how my life has been and let go of what I can't change. But we have to acknowledge what has happened first.

Lovey, you're NOT old.

1. You're not old
2. You have not wasted your life. You have brought up a child entirely by yourself and that is an amazing thing. You must be a very resilient and resourceful person.
3. I bet when you look back you have a lot of great memories of bringing your child up and the things you did with him.
4. You can decide what you want to do with your remaining years on this planet and do the things you feel you missed out on.
5. I think mid to late 40s is a time when a lot of people start to reflect on their lives and what they haven't done and what they would like to do. I am in a similar phase at the moment. Start writing down your thoughts and making a list of things you want to do and places you want to go and make it happen.

A hear you girl. My daughter is 19 now and gad a child of her own at 17,both live with me as he has another dead beat dad. I brought my daughter up on my own ,worked and ran a house while he didn't give a shit,kept taking me to court for access. He got access and would come and go as he pleased, which wasn't very often. She now knows what a dead beat he is. I was lucky to have supportive friends and family to allow me to work but had very little social life. Enjoy your time now and don't dwell on the past

I understand. It is not much fun. It’s the relentlessness of it. Couples get a chance to get out. Just getting a breather for one evening would be amazing. Getting to go to a pub or an theatre or anywhere would just feel liberating. Also under house arrest here.

OP, you are not unreasonable. I understand you very well - my children's father left when the youngest hasn't been born yet. He was able to have several whirlwind romances, leave his job and start a hobby degree, start and fail a few businesses, travel the world, and pay zero maintenance. When for me just planning an own dentist visit was a multi-layered logistics operation.

As a result, I moved much of my life online - gaming, social media etc.

I agree I choose not to have a relationship bcuz I dont want to take that time or feel like im pushing my kids aside for a nee man, or go out drinking on weekends bcuz I actually love being with my kids, we play games, sing an dance parties, play Roblox, draw all kinds of stuff that we love together l. I do sit on my own an sometimes eat my tea on my own but I just think these years will be gone bfr I no it an thats when I'd feel bad an sad never wud I feel resentful an spiteful that my life has been waisted. I feel lucky that I get so much valueable time with them, it wot. Last forever an then u have yearssssss to do you