AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

Doesn't your son count for anything when you're thinking about how you've wasted your life?

I know what that feels like, my twins are going on 13 and their sperms donor of a father as never paid a penny for them and doesn't want to see them refusing their his after two dna tests. And I've never being out with anyone, friends / dating but I look at it different sometimes kids are worth it

I'm a grandmother and I bought up 2 kids practically on my own 1 autistic and it taught me if you have kids you have to be there n nurture them. It's part of being a parent. Your at a time now that you can spread your wings and don't look back.

I'm sorry you feel that way OP. Why did you not pursue your ex to put custody & maintenance in place?
I understand your frustration but perhaps focusing on the fact that you have raised a son & given him what he needs to set himself up emotionally in life. You've had an experience that many people don't get. You have a family- your son & any future family he has.

49 is not old. Although I hear your point. It seems like your making the most of things now so that's good.

I have a teen dc & a husband who worked away a lot in her childhood. It's not the same at all, but to a degree i understand the trapped at home feeling. We moved v far away from where we're both from for work so didn't have a support network of local family.

Dc is now older & life is v different.

What I don't understand in so many of these situations is how / why the fathers are not accountable.

My kids have autism,so it never occurred to me to have a life outside of the home
My kids couldn't cope with school and had online school at home or tutors at home for a hour or two a day ,the rest of the day ,was mummy entertainment.
All the way to age 20 ,when I got one in college,but other at home still ,still learning at home .
So my only excitement and escape was the weekly food shop
Neither of my children will leave home ,or get a job ,or meet the criteria for assisted living..so this is my life ....and onwards untill I die

How have you wasted it when you’ve spent that time bringing up a child?

it seems to me the father in this has wasted his life! He’s nothing in comparison to you, in your child’s eyes.

So you became a mum at 33? Presumably you 'did stuff' and went out during your late teens, all of your 20's and early 30's?
Stop with the self-pity, being a mother is a huge privilege, a role which requires sacrifices. Also, you have a tongue in your head, I'm sure if you'd asked friends to babysit from time to time, they would have helped out.
Sorry, but you're living your life again now, be thankful for that.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you don't mind me asking but what will happen when you are no longer able to care for them?

Why didn't you go out? I was a single parent and brought DS up completely alone, no relatives in the country - I maybe saw them once a year. During that time I did a degree and regularly took him to festivals even when he was a baby, camping, made time to visit friends with kids and start a new career. Why were you stuck in the house? We did it all together and made lots of friends in the process and I started a couple of pagan groups in my house. You can't rely on a man, you just have to make the best of it.
A friend of mine, also a single parent, has a severely autistic son who will be with her for the rest of his life and she has an even fuller social life than I do.

Some of you have a very idealised view of bringing up children. Being tied at home with a child for 10+ years (since they were born) without family support and maybe without close friends to help out is very tough.

Do agree that the father isn't out here living a perfect life. Rather than thinking you were forced to stay, op, think that you chose to stay because you love your child. Technically, upon could have walked like he did, but you didn't.

He's always going to be dysfunctional. You have a child that loves you and you have time to live your life how you want to, with your child in your life.

I think I get what you mean. Maybe wasted is the wrong word, but a sense of having had to live in a very limited way for a long time. Lack of freedom and options which maybe others you know have had and been able to take for granted?

Of course bringing up a child is tough! But tough doesn’t mean it’s not meaningful or time worth spent. If anything, I would say that the OP doing the tough thing has meant they’ve done more with their life, not less. I would say that just about every meaningful thing ever done in history has been tough.

The father in this case might have enjoyed dicking around but when the time comes, he will have done nothing meaningful and will know it. Such a pity.

Can i give you another point of view?

I've got 3 dc. I have worked their entire lives. I have 2 degrees which I did w whilst having children. I have a successful career. I went back to work when one of my dc was 3 weeks old because I had to our I would lose my job (new job, as my old one ended while I was pregnant), I have to travel with work, so I'm often away overnight. I've always "kept a bit of myself". I'm now 46, my kids are adults except one. I have achieved great things in my job, things that help others. I own a lovely house.

I suddenly realise I have missed out on my kids growing up. I wasn't there for them enough.

I have wasted their childhoods.

Daughter of single mother here. Yes it's f*ing unfair how men get away with this. And it could be so different for single parents if there were more social infrastructure.

But saying you've wasted those years is harsh. You brought up a child, that's hardly nothing. Hope you get to do what you want now.

I know exactly what you mean. I work/ do household jobs all day then sit on my own, go to bed alone wake up alone. I resent having to pay for babysitter. My ex does what he likes when he likes. Completly spoils the kids when he sees them. He's able to date and is in a new relationship. Meanwhile I have been single 10 years. The icing on the cake- when he has the kids my parents support him!!! They have never offered to support me and decline when I ask. I feel lonely and unlovable. My kids are at the age where they don't need me as much.
I don't really have any friends anymore as friends in couples don't invite single people and all my single friends want to go out in the evening. Even if I had the money I am honestly too shattered as also have long covid.

So no you are not being unreasonable, being a single parent, especially without any practical support from friends is the emotionally and physically testing and most lonely job in the world and there is no respite at all.

Xx

You’d just regret missing out on having kids if you had spent your thirties partying instead. Life is hard like that, it’s sacrifices and challenges and you have a great kid in result. If you were not prepared to raise a child you should have not had sex with the dad, it’s always a potential outcome.

Parenting involves so much sacrifice. You didn't have kids until you were 33 though, so you had plenty of freedom before that? Now you can have it again. Make plans and don't delay. You have at least another 20-30 years to go wild.

I am pretty much reliant on other people to get me out of the house so likewise I haven't really done anything for me since having kids except hobbies at home. I was a single Mum but I am married now. You mentioned to one of the posters that you still can't get out of the house now. Why is that? Even though I am disabled now, I had my first child at 30 so I feel that I did fully experience my 20s at least. Did you manage to do a lot with your time before having your child? My son's Dad is also living as if he hasn't got a care in the world. His lifestyle hasn't changed from his 20s, he sofa surfs mostly! I don't envy that lifestyle because I feel that despite being quiet mine has been rich seeing the kids grow up. If I were you I would try to make up for lost time and not look back if you can help it. You still have so many years ahead. My parents are still going to music festivals and they are over 70! x

You haven’t wasted your life OP. You’ve just put certain aspects of your life on hold while raising a child. Every parent does that to an extent, even the ones with partners and supportive local family.

And your life isn’t over either! I’m a single parent with no paternal input, and I was about your age when I met my partner. We’ve done loads of things together and had lots of good times.

The years of zero social life is just part of parenting, especially for single parents. It’s not wasted time. That would be like saying the years at school were wasted, sitting in a classroom studying. It’s not a waste, it’s just a different stage. And now you can move on to the next one.

This is true - if you’d not had a child you’d probably be looking back now regretting all those nights out. There are infinite parallel universes that we could have lived in, it’s pointless dwelling on what could have been.

You feel like you’ve thrown your life away for having been a parent for 16 years because you did it alone? Been a lone parent for 13 years myself, sincerely hope I never feel that raising my kids was wasted time and I could have been boozing it up instead.

I also find that others find it so hard to be empathetic. People often say to me you made a choice. Well, yes I did I choose not to live with a perpetrator of domestic violence. I would love it if someone could really empathise with me as I get so frustrated and upset that people just tell me 'chin up' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'. I honestly feel like any sign of empathy would allow me to release and process 10 years of feeling like I everyone expects me to be a martyr and gets pissed off when I fail.....

I understand where you're coming from, re: the relentlessness of it all, and how much things were curtailed for you. However, I'm betting that when your son is older, he will know who was always there for him.

I am 43 now but was a single parent to DC1, then met (now) XH, married him and had DC2. I've been a single parent for 5yrs now. It is hard, but I don't regret any of it. I don't really miss not being able to go out here and there on an evening. It was the more practical things that were hard, the juggling and feeling like I was spread so thinly. I do feel bad that I wasn't there as much for the DC because of working FT, and for putting them in wraparound care etc. XH actually threw that at me once after we split (he said that I was less of a parent because I was working), but then I was the breadwinner during our marriage (and he seemed fine with it then, also seemed fine to leave most of the mental load to me too!). The kids understand why I have to go out to work, and why I've missed out on things with them because of work. They told me recently that they were proud of me. XH is NRP but doesn't do much with DC at all. They know who is there for them all the time, and who is not. I've not had to say a thing, but they're not stupid.

For social stuff, I would just take the kids with me if appropriate, or have friends come over. I'd take the kids away on holiday and we'd have a good time. I take them camping, to festivals, concerts, theatre etc. I can't be arsed with going out partying - I rarely drink. I'd study once the kids were in bed. I wouldn't change my kids for the world, so the stuff I did miss out on doing doesn't really compare.

Because of the way XH was during the marriage, life became easier once we split (in a very weird way!) - I didn't have to deal with all his drama, drinking, abuse and going AWOL, and get stressed out trying to sort that, hide it from the kids, deal with working FT, the house, trying to be a decent parent etc etc. It does piss me off that XH behaved the way he did and didn't act like he had any responsibilities, but in the end he will reap what he sows (like your ex will).

The past has gone. You were happy at the time. Looking back and feeling regret now, doesn’t make you regretful then. It just ruins your happiness now. You were happy then raising your lovely child. And you can be happy now, with the love and fulfilment of having done a great job as a parent plus the ability to go out and have some fun. It’s all good, op, the future (and the present!) is bright.

Oh wow, thank you so much for all the supportive messages 😌 I was feeling a bit overwhelmed when I started this thread, partly I guess daunted at the prospect of starting again at my great age and partly yes now that I am doing more things again I realised how much I missed doing them during the years when I couldn't.

This message here really hit home - of course my life is not worse for not abandoning my son. Had I done so, I would feel pain and regret like I couldn't even imagine.

And yes raising a child is an immense privilege and a joy and he has enriched my life in so many ways.

Also I realise I was so mired in misery that I wasn't fully seeing how things were when I wrote my initial posts - I did do more than watch telly! I used to allocate £50 a month as a 'nice things ' budget and we went for days out, to concerts (once he was old enough!) etc.

Shout out to those further back down the line from me - it is tough doing it alone and even if you have occasional help from family and babysitters which I did you can't have this regularly which is what really makes a difference in terms of being able to pursue interests to any meaningful degree. Thanks to those of you here who get it.