AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

So bloody true

Yeah, forget about my DH who worked nights for 15 years and fucked up his health in the process!
So that I can work and we can provide together for our children while paying off the mortgage as well as having a career.

Result, now DC are older, we both can have hobbies, interests and an identity.
Neither of us did for the 15 years of working and raising small DC.

I know not everyone has relationships were each partner is truly equal. But even if you haven't, please raise your daughters to not take any of that crap from men!

Of course it's great that there are more equal parenting relationships, but you only have to spend a few days on here to see how often that isn't the case. Women disproportionately shoulder the burdens of childrearing and household work, and it can't be denied that societally there's still much more pressure for mothers to give themselves up to motherhood than there is for fathers to fatherhood.

@DancefloorAcrobatics

It's 99.9% of the time men walking away from their families though: this isn't really about the share of work within a relationship. It's about how women are seen as the default parent but too man so called men/fathers think they are optional and can flounce off.

I don't just think it's the fact that you're a single parent with an ex who does nothing. It can also be due to a lack of wider family support. I know single mums who have a lot of help from grandparents and as such they can still retain some semblance of their own life.

The real kicker is being a lone parent combined with no family support. Very hard

I resent my ex partner for carrying on with his life when I gave mine up at 21. I have juggled work, school and parenting. It was our choice to have a baby but I was the only one that sacrificed anything and run myself into the ground constantly trying to be multiple people in multiple places.

I understand why you may feel like this but it’s really not a wasted life if you’ve been bringing up children. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved alone! Yes It’s really hard, I had my first son at 21 so all my adult life has been bringing up kids I had some family help when he was younger but over the years grandparents have aged and people moved away and now with my youngest I have no one to have him overnight or anything like that but I’ve learnt to incorporate them in to the things I want to do and still manage to to do things with them in tow. It’s not easy but no need to stop your life , life is what you make it go and enjoy your freedom! :-)

I hear you op. I have no family help whatsoever & I’m only 3 years in to single parenting but I find it so hard too. I only get sat 9-6 while she’s at her Dad’s. No other help. I do go out with my friends but only every 2 months & have to be back by 10pm. At least it’s something. I have a day off in the week while she’s at school but this day is taken up by looking after my elderly mum.

So glad I partied & had a wonderful & carefree life up until 40! I don’t want to be out late anymore anyway.

That said, I do adore my DD, I just feel bored & restless just being a mum.

You’ve got lots of freedom now, just make the most of it knowing you raised your son & he will appreciate the sacrifice.

Looking round at my friends, coupled & single, bar 1, no one really is having a great, exciting life. They’re just bringing up their kids.

Why can't women abandon their children and live their lives as if they don't exist? Well you could have. You could have given up your child to social services and he'd have gone into a children's home and possibly a new family. You could have left him at his father's house if you knew where that was and walked away and refused all contact. Do you really think your life is worse for not doing that?

Yep, I get you. This is how my mum put me off becoming a teenage mother. Told me how much work it is, no going out, no weekend lie ins, no money for yourself, just cleaning up shit and piss for years. And boy, did it work, had my first at 38.

Get a grip i was a single parent i saw friends went round theirs with my child,.i went on holiday and away weekends with my child..i had friends and we shared childcare..i joined social clubs with kids..took my child to the theatre and festivals..in fact did what i wanted and took my child with me

I would not see it as you’ve lost two decades of your life, you spent 2 decades raising children and guiding them on how to live in this world. I totally get you but with the attitude you’ve git you’ll be saying the same in 10/20 more years time. I’m a mother at 28 to a 2 year old. I went straight back into working full time regretted it and now will do part time until she is older. Same as you you now need to go and reinvent yourself with a positive attitude find things you love and stop looking back at raising your kids in a negative way look at it positively and look at the future the same

I'm a bit behind you as dc are 14 and 10 but I really don't think I'll feel this way. It might help that I had dd1 at 30 and lived quite a party lifestyle including living abroad previous to that but I don't regret a second of being a pretty much lone parent. They haven't always, but now do have contact with their dad but I will always be the one they turn to. Not quite at your stage where I can do stuff for myself but not in a rush to get it. More worried about when they no longer need me (but don't tell them that)

I think instead of having the perspective that those years were wasted you should look at it like those years were spent being a good mum and raising your beautiful child..... some people can't have kids and would die to have 'wasted' years like that. I am one of those people and feel like i have wasted my years by not trying hard enough to get pregnant (e.g ivf or other options)
Don't be so hard on yourself and holding onto that is only going to do you more harm than good. Embrace the now!! Xx

You were 33 when you had your DC, you were a grown woman. You could have given your child away for adoption, you didn't. It's not unreasonable to feel how you do but it is a complete waste of time as you can't change things and that way madness lies. I suspect if you were ten years younger you wouldn't feel like this, it's because you're about to hit a milestone birthday.
Embrace the fact you're a good mother - that's not a waste of your life. The next half century can be an adventure if you're up for it. If you're really depressed and can't shake it seek help but if not, give your head a wobble and move on as it sounds as if you're made of strong stuff anyway.
Good luck.

You sound quite bitter to me honest.

It has nothing to do with you being a single parent and more to do with a lack of wider support. I'm married, but due to my husband's hours at work and a lack of wider support, don't get to leave the house of an evening either - yet I have single mum friends who are out every weekend and can do as they please week nights too, as they have grandparents/siblings etc on tap.

You chose to have a child and most parents have to sacrifice things like being able to leave the house whenever they please without getting childcare. Kids cost a lot, not just in money, but energy, time and sacrifice.

Don't dwell on the past, it's a waste of energy. Enjoy your new found freedom and think 'i've done it!' Now's your time, so don't waste it feeling bitter about your lack of support in the past.

YANBU about how unfair it is, there are two of us but we have no family help (they don’t live near us, they would be happy to help if they did) and where I live babysitters aren’t a thing. DH and I haven’t left the house together after 6pm for years. It’s 100% not fair that one parent has to curtail their life and the other one gets to carry on as normal. It’s not fair that one takes the load while the other just has to worry about themselves.

I do think many parents only start getting their lives back a bit as their kids get older, mine is little so by the time she’s in bed neither of us feel like doing anything other than reading a book or watching tv after tidying up etc, tried taking her to a museum and that went badly. We tend to prioritise family time on weekends as during the week we are quite busy but that means child friendly activities only. It is what it is, having kids and taking care of them well involves varying levels of sacrifice, it’s just shit that so many men don’t step up.

I would let it go, all the anger in the world is not going to undo anything, go forward enjoying your newfound freedom!

Women don't have to do this. You made a choice.

Maybe people in couples don't do these things but I wasn't in a couple either. I went to work, broke my fucking neck to do childcare pick-up, did all the boring housework, alone, then sat alone watching telly, then went to bed alone. It was like lockdown, but for thirteen years. It was shit, quite frankly.

I get where you're coming from as I'm a widow and completely alone. There was no reason for you to waste your evenings in front of the TV though, you could have read a book, learned a language, done yoga in your living room, found an interest you can do at home, had friends over. Did your son never go to playdates or sleepovers in 13 years that allowed you to go out?

I know the need to get out and socialise and bee yourself, but realistically, how often do youyou think people with partners who both work do that? They also prioritise time with their family.

I know that it's unfair but life isn't fair is it? If you go around with that mentality, your life will be shit.

I'm glad you are starting to do the things you enjoy. I'm now in a similar situation, although I'm in a relationship - granted. I have a 9 month old baby and 2 dogs and throughout the whole of my maternity, feel like I've been locked in the house. Even if I can go out with the baby, I can't leave the dogs alone for too long as it wouldn't be fair. I now have to figure out how I return to work as it'll feel even more like a rat run. The nursery drop off is a half hour round trip, my work is an hour on top of this so means I'll be leaving the house at half 7 and getting back at 5 even though I'm doing a 6 hour day, to then need to do the dinner and bed time routine before I have 2 maybe 3 hours sat on my own whilst my partner gets back late from work or not at all. I will have some wfh flex which is a huge help and as much as I love being a mother, it zaps all of 'You' out of you - maybe not for those who have reliable and dependable network who can look after baby, but not everybody has that. I used to love watching live bands, I'm just looking forward to when babys old enough to join me as a groupy!!

I don't think you wasted your life at all, unless you never wanted to be a parent. The truth is when you have a child you choose to do that instead of other stuff for more or less 18 years. Then you get your time back, but see much less of your child - some people embrace that freedom, others cry because they preferred having a full nest.

You say that when you were younger you didn't mind giving up all the other stuff because you were enjoying being a parent. Those years weren't wasted.

I'm now in a similar situation, although I'm in a relationship - granted. I have a 9 month old baby and 2 dogs and throughout the whole of my maternity, feel like I've been locked in the house.

I have to say, that is not really a similar situation.

Oh and I know this is the Mumsnet answer to everything OP but if you're 49 and suddenly raging about things that didn't bother you before, there may be an element of perimenopause?

I hear you, Op. I have a friend in your position. I try to have her daughter sometimes so she gets a break. Her partner walked out when his child was three. Spends all his time in the gym. I hope you find yourself again.

You haven’t lost two decades of your life, you spent them raising a child who you love who you have a bond with that your ex will never have.

While you’re not wrong about how hard it is to be a single parent and what a twat your ex is, what’s a waste of your life is feeling bitter and upset about that now. It can’t change. It’s happened.

Do some reframing: for those years I was a single mum and didn’t go out much. Now is my time to get into book groups / theatre etc. I have a lovely child that I’m proud of. Now I’m going to do these other things for me.