AIBU to feel like I've wasted my life?

[TheCirclea]

I am 49. I have been a single parent for 16 years ie all the time my kid has been alive.

When my kid was young I remember people saying to me "don't lose yourself, you need to keep something for you". And I would think "ah, that's fine, I'm doing what I want to do and because I love being a mum I'm not losing out". Also none of those fine toned people offered to babysit.

But actually I was losing out and I'm only realising this now that I'm able to do stuff myself again. I lost out big time in a way that people in couples or even parenting with separate but involved fathers just don't get. I lost out because I couldn't leave the house.

Literally couldn't step out the front door, for thirteen years, of an evening. Oh yeah I could pay loads of money to a babysitter every now and again and go out for three maybe four hours. I could do that, for the price of a day's wage. But other than that, nah.

Meanwhile, his fucking father, just carried on like he didn't even have a kid. Didn't alter his life at all.

And actually I am fucked off about that. Yes great I've got my freedom back now but all those years I couldn't do anything, they're just gone, and I feel really sad about that and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reconcile and be at peace about how my time on god's good earth has been wasted.

AIBU?

@Goldieremson yes all well and good but as you say those years are gone before you know it which means before you know it you will be midlife at best, maybe more, and you don't get those years back. They are gone.

Roblox is fun but you, me and everyone you know has more in their destiny than playing it.

Okay wrong word to use but I have similar feelings and emotions - given its a different scenario but can empathise with those feelings.

@zendeveloper

Good time for you to do a hobby degree with the OU too then?😀

I actually jumped on the chance to do a masters in the area that interested me when covid hit and remote study became the norm. Absolutely could not have done it otherwise.
It was quite a hardcore STEM area from a top Russel group uni, but still a hobby as it is quite far away from what I do for the living.

Was a complete mindfuck to combine that with single parenting, full time work and two in KS1 with "remote schooling", but I survived.

I get it. I was a single parent for the first 10 years of my DT's life and even after establishing a new relationship I was still the main carer for a while before we became a fully enmeshed family.

Did it impact my career choices, finances and social life? Absolutely! Ironically, it was coping with all that which made me realise how much I was capable of if I didn't have DC (not sure I'd have ever pushed myself if I'd stayed in the relationship).

Some of it is money and confidence OP. I had no money but tried to live my life as I would if I wasn't a single parent. I just took the kids everywhere with me (not to a pub or anything). The upshot was that I had kids who quickly became used to behaving appropriately in all sorts of environments, so win-win.

I also retrained in a new career. That was one of the hardest things I did because I don't have any family and had to rely mostly on professional childcare (which left me worse off than if I'd been on benefits) and some help from my best friend. I had no money and even less sleep but I persevered and it paid off. I did this at 36 BTW which shows you're never too old.

In the first 6 years I think I went to a pup/club maybe 4x. Social nights were usually house-based, with friends coming over and sharing a bottle of wine.

My DC tell me that they feel they have a great childhood. I have great memories of events but my overwhelming feeling from that time is that I was constantly running on empty and extremely anxious about money and keeping things together. I managed and it paid off for me. I know have a great highly paid job and a lovely life, but I'm acutely aware that it could easily have gone the other way.

Meanwhile, father of my DC's has had none of this. He's had no contact. That does mean he's missed out though IMO and these days I feel slightly sorry for him. He's a product of his own upbringing and limitations and will never have a life filled with happy fulfilling relationships. They take a shared history.

You can't change the past but you can feel proud of what you've achieved and you can also change the future. Good luck!

What a sickener…and what a cad.. I understand about moving your life online. Now that I think about it, being stuck home with two kids on the spectrum and having limited funds to play with, not wanting to shell out much needed cash for a night and having no maintenance money, I have done this myself. In addition, have had to work a full time job. In my “spare” time, I get to unload the dishwasher :-D

Yes - I also had a full time job all this time. I can't even boast that my kids had a great childhood with a lot of quality time with me - they mostly saw (and still see) the back of my head as I stare into the corporate laptop, or I run errands. I can't say I have a very close relationship with them now - they see dad roughly once a quarter now, but he's their clear favourite at the moment - so much fun, sweets and presents!

What I regret is not quitting work and spending a few years with them, even if we were much poorer. I did not have access to any welfare at the time, so it wasn't even a realistic option, and maybe I am deluded about how easy that would have been anyway.

I know it's totally unworkable, but I always think the system should be that you pay proper child support or pull your weight for childcare, barring extenuating circumstances such as disabilities, and the fekkers who quit their jobs or don't declare income to avoid paying maintenance should accumulate maintenance owed at the previous rate until they got a new job and then it'd be clawed back from their salary.

Fekkers, fekkers, fekkers.

As a lone parent too, as someone said up thread, you are not invited to couply activities. You don’t fit in. And you fit in even less when your children are autistic.

No, you haven't wasted those years at all, but totally understandable for you to feel resentful.
Being in a pointless relationship is a far worse waste of your life.

Fuck knows

I don't think your BU to recognise how much of a struggle it was and feel sad/upset that there wasn't any support. I've a disability and sometimes feel like I've someone elses memories it's so far removed from my life now . I've little support and others can't really relate to empathise. However your wasting energy looking back and will be viewing it with today's eyes unable to appreciate how you may have felt or chosen in the past. It wasn't wasted life , you invested it raising a child and tend to benefit from that bond for years to come and perhaps in another 5, 10 or 20yrs you'll also feel differently to now.

If you read through relationship board I'm sure you'll soon feel bit more positive about what the flipside may have been not just the rose tinted view of how it would've helped. As it seems many women end up trapped in unhappy relationships and have little time to themselves, lose their identity compromising for partner not just for benefit of their child. While you had no support from child's dad you also had no interference on parenting ,decision making, stress or abuse from them.

This is why there needs to be a continuation of the 1970s campaign for 24/7 childcare.

Mums need a break not just to work 9-5.

When I was a single mum the only 'time off' I got was my lunch break and the occasional TOIL or annual leave days.

That's not good for mums or DCs!

I don't play Roblox for my fun do I, Its somethin we play on occasion because my children like to, colouring, role play, baking, what I'm saying is it's not waisted years it's quality time with your children, when they grow up an have there own life an want you less then you can start to have more of a life for yourself but just saying its not a waisted life if you enjoy spending time with your child an watching them grow an take an interest in things they like

You can be annoyed but don't stay there. Your last 16 years had been about your child - single or not, that is most mums. Hopefully you have many more years to live so go do that. Let go of the resentment because they will ruin your future. Those 16 years were not wasted because you have your child but yes, I do get that you lose yourself. But it's not too late.

You said you're only feeling the regret now so you presumably enjoyed being a mum at the time? Some people would have bitten your arm off for that chance. I feel you're wasting time now being angry when you should be enjoying everything. Try to live more in the moment and take up a martial art to get out some of that rage. Your years as a mum were not wasted if you raised a happy healthy child. That's a wee bit more to be proud of than any hobby. You are having your time now so don't waste it with regret. Your anger can't change the past and nor would your awareness of it at the time helped you any.

24/7 childcare? You might as well not have a child if it's going to go that far.

@TheCirclea don’t think of it as wasted. You were bringing up your child and many people doing the same were restricted in the same way even if they were married. You’re still young so you’ve got all the time in the world now to do your own thing. Enjoy and make the most of it! Don’t spoil it with resentment for the past or for your ex.

@TheCirclea youre not old!!! At your age I had a 9 and a 4 year old and a husband that was either working away all week or if he was not, was doing 12-14 hour days and was never available for any pick ups or drop off or bedtime etc. It was all on me and it was hard. I never left the house without children and definitely never at night because once they were in bed that was it! I also never drank alcohol because I had to be sober in case of emergency and having to drive to the hospital. I never did anything for myself for their whole childhood. So I know what you’ve been through even though I had a husband. But my advice is don’t look back. We’ve brought our kids up. Mine are great and they’re a delight. They’re worth all the hours I put into their care. And now I’m enjoying life a bit more now I have time for friends and lunches and hobbies and it’s lovely to have freedom! Enjoy yours!!

@TheCirclea i am really interested in your post as I have a toddler in a similar situation. Was your ex involved at all? What’s your child’s relationship like with him?

one thing I would say is I know four people who have gone on to meet someone new after fifty and after having a child. Two are travelling the world with their partners and one just got married. You have so much time to do all the things you haven’t done for so long. I absolutely agree it’s terrible men get away with being absolute cunts like this and I resent my ex hugely. I understand feeling trapped all the time. You can take back your life now though. Book a concert, go to the cinema three times in one week… I expect you’ll find it’s not as magical as it seems. Grass always greener on the other side and all that. I understand how you feel though.