To go straight to the teacher? How do I play this?

[gretaar]

Please bare with me, this is messy.

DS is 5 and had a best friend whom he is thick as thieves with. They spend the majority of the school day together, everyone knows they come as a pair.

Best friend's mum was my friend, we weren't extremely close but we have known each other since high school and became closer after the boys started reception. Met up with the kids outside of school, gave them lifts as she doesn't drive etc.

She then started meeting up with ExDP who is DS' father behind my back (with the kids). I asked them both what was going on and they said they were just friends, I was basically made out to be crazy. Turns out they slept together and are now seeing each other.

This all happened within the space of 6ish weeks and there was a big-ish fallout. We ignore each other at the school run now.

Now, every weekend they meet up with the boys.

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

He threw a piece of wood at me today at the school run. When DS said he was going home, best friend said if he left then he would hate him and not be his best friend anymore.

DS was extremely upset. It has come out that best friend has been hitting DS at school, but DS doesn't mind because he's "my best friend and he loves me".

It has also come out that best friend has been unkind to DS quite a few times at school and says things like he hates him, and threatens to not be his best friend if things don't go his way.

DS says he is "sick of it now" and he's worried that they'll go to the same high school and work in the same place and he will be mean to him the whole time. He also said he feels like, is best friend fell over then he would see if he was ok, but that best friend wouldn't do the same for DS.

One minute DS says he still wants to be best friends, then the next he says he doesn't.

He says he isn't mean when they meet up outside of school.

What do I do? How do I play this? I know I'll just get made out to be bitter and stirring the pot.

Sorry I may have misread. A five year old is worried that they will be going to the same High School? And a five year old using the term he is sick of it now?

Poor little fella if this is right. Sounds like you are projecting massively on him.

What do you expect the already over-worked teacher to do, other than try to keep them apart in class time/follow whatever the bullying policy is? Seems like adult's issues affecting the child's behaviour.

Yes that's what he has said.

I haven't projected onto him at all, this has totally come out of the blue. I knew that his best friend could be unpleasant but I didn't know this was happening.

these poor children will be very much impacted negatively by the selfish children that “parent” them

I should clarify, the children have absolutely no idea anything has happened between the adults.

I speak highly of his best friend and his mum, I'm amicable when the boys run up to each other on the school runs. I bought best friend a Christmas present and dropped it to her house with DS.

I am amicable and co-parent well with ExDP. The kids have no idea that anything is different, except they now meet up every weekend.

Please could you explain how I've been selfish?

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

By the way, this was prior to my friend sleeping with my ex.

Jeezo, people are quick to be mean on here aren't they?

Sorry you're going through all of this - as you say it's messy.

What would you like the end result to be from talking to the teacher?

This kind of thing is really difficult to deal with.

I'd suggest involving the teacher about the hitting, as that is not on and school should be noticing and stopping that.

You could also teach your DS to loudly shout "stop hitting me" whenever someone hits him. It's surprisingly effective.

The saying "I won't be friends with you if you don't do X" is very standard at this age and virtually impossible to stop. You can mention it to the teacher and maybe ask if they can do some work on being kind but it will probably have limited impact.

I'd also suggest encouraging other friendships - can you have some other kids over for play date etc?

I think, given the issues between the adults, it's even more essential that friendship issues between the boys are dealt with through the school.

Don't be put off by posters wittering about overworked teachers and not bothering them with your problems - that's rot. Unkind behaviour, hitting and name-calling absolutely are things the teacher needs to know about, and she can't support the boys to resolve their differences if you don't communicate with her. She needs to know the background about the two families as well, ideally.

Lots of people who don't work in early years education don't realise how holistic it is. Social relationships and skills are a vital part of children's learning; this certainly is a part of the teacher's role and if she's any good, she will want to be kept informed of any problems.

every paragraph of this will be BS

Why would it be BS? They are five years old, in reception, why in earth would I involve them in business between adults?

It has nothing to do with then and would be terrible to bring them into it.

I'm not sure what your issue is? Very odd.

Because, as I said in my post, when I suspected something was going on, they made me out to be crazy even though I was right.

I don't see people being mean, more wondering what the OP expects the teacher to do.

Also OP has provided info on apparent bullying, and info on the adult relationships/lack of relationships - the bullying and the adult issues are two separate topics surely, if indeed the children know nothing about the parent's issues?

It's not at all hard to follow.

OP, it seems that your son's 'friend' is indeed bullying him (and, from the sound of it, has behaviour issues in general if he throws things and swears at adults). So I think you'd be justified in having a chat with the teacher about that as they will obviously want to be aware of bullying issues. I also think it would be useful for the teacher to be aware of the family situation, because that is relevant to what's going on.

Obviously your ex and your former friend are entitled to date if they want to; they're both free agents. But your former friend and your ex-husband shouldn't have been taking the kids on what were, effectively, dates, and certainly shouldn't have hidden it from you. Your DS (and also probably his friend) must have been really confused by the whole dynamic, especially if he was being told to keep it a secret from you.

Also OP has provided info on apparent bullying, and info on the adult relationships/lack of relationships - the bullying and the adult issues are two separate topics surely, if indeed the children know nothing about the parent's issues?

They're not too separate topics, because the mother of the child who is bullying my child, is also sleeping with his father? It makes it awkward/difficult to navigate, and muddies the water.

You don't dismiss a real point by accusing someone of 'wittering', or at least an adult who knows how to have a discussion doesn't.

If the children know nothing about the adult relationship then you need to push your feelings regarding that aside when attempting to deal with the bullying. You should deal with your feelings regarding that separately. In the longer term it sounds like you both needs some kinder friends.

Because, if you read my post I am asking how to play this i.e. speak to the teacher, or his mum? I said there has been fall out. The person u have fallen out with, is the mother of the child who is bullying mine and is sleeping with his father/my ex. It's absolutely relevant.

They aren't a random family and they meet up outside of school.

I would be accused of being bitter, because (as I've already said) I was made out to be crazy when they were seeing each other behind my back.

Plus, I know my ex well and the way he operates. I know what his response would be.

Does your exDP know about this? Surely he wouldn't condone the bullying?