To go straight to the teacher? How do I play this?

[gretaar]

Please bare with me, this is messy.

DS is 5 and had a best friend whom he is thick as thieves with. They spend the majority of the school day together, everyone knows they come as a pair.

Best friend's mum was my friend, we weren't extremely close but we have known each other since high school and became closer after the boys started reception. Met up with the kids outside of school, gave them lifts as she doesn't drive etc.

She then started meeting up with ExDP who is DS' father behind my back (with the kids). I asked them both what was going on and they said they were just friends, I was basically made out to be crazy. Turns out they slept together and are now seeing each other.

This all happened within the space of 6ish weeks and there was a big-ish fallout. We ignore each other at the school run now.

Now, every weekend they meet up with the boys.

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

He threw a piece of wood at me today at the school run. When DS said he was going home, best friend said if he left then he would hate him and not be his best friend anymore.

DS was extremely upset. It has come out that best friend has been hitting DS at school, but DS doesn't mind because he's "my best friend and he loves me".

It has also come out that best friend has been unkind to DS quite a few times at school and says things like he hates him, and threatens to not be his best friend if things don't go his way.

DS says he is "sick of it now" and he's worried that they'll go to the same high school and work in the same place and he will be mean to him the whole time. He also said he feels like, is best friend fell over then he would see if he was ok, but that best friend wouldn't do the same for DS.

One minute DS says he still wants to be best friends, then the next he says he doesn't.

He says he isn't mean when they meet up outside of school.

What do I do? How do I play this? I know I'll just get made out to be bitter and stirring the pot.

I suggested they address the bullying, as part of their job.
All the other stuff about OP's private life isn't part of their job.
Nothing nasty about that.

I'd go straight to the school, and mention the behaviour that is worrying your son. You have to advocate for your children, even if it's something silly and my son wants me to ask the teacher I'll do it, because I want him to know that I've got his back.

With regards to to the ex and friend, the whole situation sounds awful and it must be terribly hard to navigate. The main thing to do is go straight to the school, if they come back and question it or make accusations then that's on them, your main priority is your son and his well-being. If they do want to talk about it, try and be the bigger person and suggest meeting to discuss it after you have told the school, it should be taken seriously before it gets out of hand.

I know, it I’ve realised since they’re just a horrible person who feels better by kicking others when they’re down. It’s a shame as because of them and another few posters I can’t give an update about my DD’s situation, and I know the supportive people would have liked to have heard it. No matter.

You can make the teacher aware that there may be issues but ultimately this is an adults problem. Your ds and her are picking up on the problems the adults are having. Your ds needs to be told to report problems with his friend to the teacher. What happens at school can be dealt with in school but you can't expect school to keep them apart if they are playing together at the weekend!

But it’s entirely relevant to why the bullying is happening.

The ex and the so-called friend haven’t given the tiniest of thoughts to how their new relationship affects their little boys. They sound like selfish fuckers.

Wait til it goes tits up, the poor kids will no doubt suffer then as well

Nobody has said OP shouldn't go to the teacher, that I can see. She needs to leave the adult relationship out of it though, as that isn't the teacher's responsibility.

You didn’t just suggest that did you? And your tone and phrasing was quite clearly a jab. You can backpedal all you want now, it’s in black and white on the screen above.

OP seemed to think the children didn't know about the adult issues though, so how is it relevant (or the teacher's problem)?

You may not be saying anything in front of the kids but really you have no idea how you are spoken about by your ex and the other mum. You also don't really know what the kids know either. In any case I would suggest that you tell your son to let the teacher know if the friend hurts him or is unkind in school. The child calling you a nasty name is down to you to deal with. If everyone is amicable I suppose you should bring this up with your ex friend.

Yes, I did.
I asked what the OP expected the teacher to do other than deal with the bullying.
None of the adult stuff is the teacher's concern.

(I am not back peddling, merely pointing out that you are making out I said something I didn't)

I don't think you'll find many teachers who disagree that the workload is a strain - me included - but the elements of the job that should and could be culled certainly don't include safeguarding and pastoral care of the children, or the parts of the compulsory curriculum that relate to social skills and relationships.

I suspect you don't know as much as you think you do about early years education, which is why you've resorted to tone-policing rather than taking issue with what I actually said.

It's not helpful for MNers to tell posters whose children are being hurt in school that the teacher will be too busy to take an interest. It's irresponsible to tell parents that they are asking for something they're not entitled to when they are considering bringing their child's teacher into their confidence about things that are happening in their child's life. It's certainly not helpful for teachers for this message to be peddled to parents. So I will carry on challenging this stuff when I see it - and you can carry on nitpicking my language, if it brings you joy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It takes the briefest of scans to see you also blamed the children’s behaviour on the OP, at least in part.

Yes, of course that’s gentle suggestion.

Of course they’ll know. The parents would prefer they didn’t but it doesn’t mean they don’t.

Also spending 7 days a week together, and being in a situation where parents have a strained relationship is relevant.

That was a reply to @Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter - apologies for the slight derail OP

My point is that OP kept saying they don't, not my feelings on whether they do or not.

'What do you expect the already over-worked teacher to do, other than try to keep them apart in class time/follow whatever the bullying policy is? Seems like adult's issues affecting the child's behaviour.'

The above is what I wrote.

In short, yes approach the teacher re the bullying happening at school, and yes it's possible that the adult behaviour is affecting the children (OP has gone on to say she thinks the children don't know, or at least her son doesn't, but a few of us are not sure about that as kids do pick up all sorts from adults). I did say adults and not specifically OP.

If you think that anyone believes you were talking about adults in general, rather than the OP, you must think we all came down in the last shower.

You made that comment before OP wrote any of that, and you made it to be nasty. It’s plain as day.

If you read what I wrote you will see that I did suggest she approach the teacher re the bullying. My point was that she shouldn't really be involving the teacher in all the other adult issues that seem to be happening (other than to say there have been some issues but they are hopefully not too obvious to the kids). That's not ignoring pastoral care. As for you not being overworked, that's great, but lots of teachers are. It's also not wise to assume someone else's knowledge level as you have. On a positive note, you sound like a caring teacher, and those are always welcome, so I hope your pupils and parents appreciate you!

Agree with this.

You are entitled to your opinion, like the the rest of us.
At no point have I blamed OP, and still don't.
I feel like she needs kinder friends, as already stated, as does her DS!

You are also entitled to that, it's funny how the MN's jump when someone twists a comment.

I agree with others, I don't get why you're getting such a hard time. You sound like you're trying to do everything to keep the balance for your little boy.

I would imagine that at best the friend knows that his friends dad is seeing his mum cos unless they only meet up and do relationship things when friend is with his father, if he has time with him, then he will have seen things or heard them, even if it's just waking up during the night or in the morning and seeing your ex in the house.

Potentially he could have told your little one too.

I would try tell the teacher with as little emotional language as possible what is happening and ask for her advice as a progressional with safeguarding knowledge and daily experience of little children being besties falling out and back to besties etc.

If he's behaving as you say to including his own mum it could be something that needs further investigation by her (the mother) even if its simply him just not being very nice sometimes. There could be a number of reasons behind his behaviour. (plus he has to be learning the insult snake piss from someone, it's not a usual one!)

It does seem unrealistic that a 5 year old would use the term "sick of it now"...

Aside from that, if your child is being bullied, speak to the teacher. It's nowt really to do with anything else.

I'm most certainly not the friend.

No, I just agree with the PP.