To go straight to the teacher? How do I play this?

[gretaar]

Please bare with me, this is messy.

DS is 5 and had a best friend whom he is thick as thieves with. They spend the majority of the school day together, everyone knows they come as a pair.

Best friend's mum was my friend, we weren't extremely close but we have known each other since high school and became closer after the boys started reception. Met up with the kids outside of school, gave them lifts as she doesn't drive etc.

She then started meeting up with ExDP who is DS' father behind my back (with the kids). I asked them both what was going on and they said they were just friends, I was basically made out to be crazy. Turns out they slept together and are now seeing each other.

This all happened within the space of 6ish weeks and there was a big-ish fallout. We ignore each other at the school run now.

Now, every weekend they meet up with the boys.

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

He threw a piece of wood at me today at the school run. When DS said he was going home, best friend said if he left then he would hate him and not be his best friend anymore.

DS was extremely upset. It has come out that best friend has been hitting DS at school, but DS doesn't mind because he's "my best friend and he loves me".

It has also come out that best friend has been unkind to DS quite a few times at school and says things like he hates him, and threatens to not be his best friend if things don't go his way.

DS says he is "sick of it now" and he's worried that they'll go to the same high school and work in the same place and he will be mean to him the whole time. He also said he feels like, is best friend fell over then he would see if he was ok, but that best friend wouldn't do the same for DS.

One minute DS says he still wants to be best friends, then the next he says he doesn't.

He says he isn't mean when they meet up outside of school.

What do I do? How do I play this? I know I'll just get made out to be bitter and stirring the pot.

You've totally missed the point.

I think the main cause of this is that the other boy was used to having mum all to himself for however long she was single. Now all of a sudden he has another man taking his mums attention away from him, and his best friend is also there taking more attention away. It is a lot of change for him to comprehend. He loves his mum and probably can't or doesn't know how to tell her he's not happy with this new arrangement, and he maybe doesn't know your ex well enough to say anything to him. So it leaves your son as the only one he can show that he is not happy. At 5y old he is showing he's not happy in the only way he can think of.

@gretaar The usual procedure with any behaviour like this is to go to the class teacher.

If your child is suffering at school and the teacher dismisses it then, if necessary, go to the HT. But normally the teacher will be able to handle it

Never go to the parents. It never ends well, whatever the relationship

@Screwballs

*It does seem unrealistic that a 5 year old would use the term "sick of it now"...

Aside from that, if your child is being bullied, speak to the teacher. It's nowt really to do with anything else.*

He did use the term, multiple times actually. He's very advanced/emotionally intelligent for his age. And that's not from a biased parent point of view, it's objectively true.

Thank you, I'm going to speak to the teacher tomorrow if I can catch her.

Wow this is similar to the plot of Big Little Lies.

Maybe just take your son out and put him in a different school before someone gets murdered?

Seriously though. It all sounds quite incestuous. Do you think your son could do with a new start in a different school?

Haha - I haven't seen it!

I have thought about moving him, but his school is the only one in the area that has a wrap-around service that caters for our needs. I'm a shift worker.

OP there were allegations of my DS being a bully/being bullied. It was him and another boy in his class butting heads.

After receiving several messages from the mum I was quite worked up and contacted the school.
The principal essentially said that if it was serious/malicious bullying the school would’ve escalated it to the parents. He also said that apart from chatting to my DS it’s really the role of the teacher (who is witness to whatever goes on) to intervene on the spot.
What I also learnt from talking to the school was the real version of events- my DS hadn’t even mentioned anything to me and the other boy wasn’t reporting the entire truth to his parents so it blew out of proportion (they’re 7 so stories sometimes get mixed up!).

I’d start by chatting to his teacher and go from there.

ETA school reacted by separating them so they’re not at the same table anymore.

They are separate issues. School will have no interest in who your ex is shagging. They should and will want to get involved in any bullying.

Concentrate your efforts on speaking to the teacher about the boys’ interactions. You may wish to reference the situation as a way of explaining why you can’t really get involved.

I once taught in a school where a temporary teacher was having an affair with one of my dads. That was fun 😳

I would definitely speak to the teacher then she can keep an eye on dynamics in the class as much as she is able to. Maybe encourage your son to branch out his friendships a bit as well, little friendships at that age can be difficult, I think they go through phases where the pull away from each other.

Speak to the teacher and ask that they encourage him to widen his friendships within the class , the teacher can easily put them in different groups for some activities .
The other child prob knows his mum and your ex are having a relationship and maybe resentful of your son because it’s his dad and he’s jealous! I know you said the children are not aware of it but if they are all spending time together it’s unlikely they don’t know .

I'd ask for my son to be moved to a different class. Your son needs a total breather from this other lad, who by the sounds of it is taking all his emotions out on your son. School will probably say no at first but if nothing changes and your son is still being bullied then I'd keep asking or change schools.

It must be really stressful dealing with what's happened, keep strong op and look after yourself and your boy x

What point have I missed? You say your child has complained that his friend is sometimes unkind but that he sometimes says he still wants to be friends with him.
Tell your child to report any incidents or report them yourself.

You say they spend lots of time playing together at the weekend as dad is now seeing the other child's mum.
They may well have picked up on the relationship. You won't know how they behave or what is said in the children's hearing. It is possible that the adults' issues will impact on this problem.

You say you ignore the other mum now whereas previously you were good friends. The children will have noticed this.

Is the school more than one form entry? If so, can you speak to the Head and see if you can get DS moved to a different class?

It's a lot to ask of a 5 year old to be around another child who's bullying them pretty much every day of the week, especially now it's outside of school too. He's not getting any respite from it, bless him.

Yep, I know who you agree with.
It's your perogative to agree with a twisted interpretation.

yeh, she/he is obviously a bully themselves

any update op?

i wonder how this all played out in the end

and the idea that these boys didn’t have the foggiest is baffling

Speak to your sons father. It's his responsibility to intervene and protect his child from the spitefulness and bullying of the other child. He needs to tailor his time to prioritise his child not the new GF. Inform the school there are some difficulties and your child is getting hassle from the other boy.