To go straight to the teacher? How do I play this?

[gretaar]

Please bare with me, this is messy.

DS is 5 and had a best friend whom he is thick as thieves with. They spend the majority of the school day together, everyone knows they come as a pair.

Best friend's mum was my friend, we weren't extremely close but we have known each other since high school and became closer after the boys started reception. Met up with the kids outside of school, gave them lifts as she doesn't drive etc.

She then started meeting up with ExDP who is DS' father behind my back (with the kids). I asked them both what was going on and they said they were just friends, I was basically made out to be crazy. Turns out they slept together and are now seeing each other.

This all happened within the space of 6ish weeks and there was a big-ish fallout. We ignore each other at the school run now.

Now, every weekend they meet up with the boys.

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

He threw a piece of wood at me today at the school run. When DS said he was going home, best friend said if he left then he would hate him and not be his best friend anymore.

DS was extremely upset. It has come out that best friend has been hitting DS at school, but DS doesn't mind because he's "my best friend and he loves me".

It has also come out that best friend has been unkind to DS quite a few times at school and says things like he hates him, and threatens to not be his best friend if things don't go his way.

DS says he is "sick of it now" and he's worried that they'll go to the same high school and work in the same place and he will be mean to him the whole time. He also said he feels like, is best friend fell over then he would see if he was ok, but that best friend wouldn't do the same for DS.

One minute DS says he still wants to be best friends, then the next he says he doesn't.

He says he isn't mean when they meet up outside of school.

What do I do? How do I play this? I know I'll just get made out to be bitter and stirring the pot.

Your son has raised some points about his friend which may be leading towards bullying so raise that with the teacher. At 5 some of it will be inaccurate as he's so small.
Explain to the teacher that your family is interweaved with the other family so she knows he can't get away from it at home.
The adult issues you need to discuss how it's effecting your son.

*yes but you say

the boys have no idea 🤔
and the parents all get on 🤔*

No, I didn't say we all get on. I said there been fall out etc.

I said we're amicable in front of the children, which is true.

God no no no to all this! It’s just a recipe for disaster isn’t it? Basically your DS is ‘stuck’ with this other kid for the next 6 years at school AND on weekends.

This might be totally extreme on my part but I’d look into changing schools. 7/7 days of one person is too much, even for kids? Especially since they’ll be in the same class all the way through school? Idk OP… depending on how serious that woman and your ex get I would look at distancing myself.

What goes on between adults always transpires to kids- even when you think it doesn’t.

He doesn't know, this has literally just happened.

I highly doubt he'd take it seriously.

@regenerate
You have just reinforced my point? We are amicable in front of the children?

What is your issue?

I think you need to approach school re friendship issues. Tell them what your child’s told you and emphasise that he’s unhappy, it’s not a game it’s real bullying and you are worried that it affects his school life.
Atm teacher thinks that both boys are best friends, spending a lot of time together etc etc but not aware of any problems so she probably put them together in activities and generally encourage them to be together
Teacher has to know that there are problems and not all what it seems.

After saying this you should tell that the issue might be affected by a complicated situation at home and tell teacher that your ex and friend’s mum are together atm / in relationship so you think it might be a contributing factor. Just mention this as a fact which is relevant.

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter when I see a "real point" being made, rather than the usual MN kneejerk "gosh, don't bother the teacher" schtick (which is harmful to children and unhelpful for teachers) I'll be sure to engage with it on the level it deserves 👍

Wise advice from @Octavia64

Keep it simple. Tell the teacher that you are concerned about the friendship and that your son reports that the other child has been hitting him..

There's no need to make a big deal about it, just ask her if she could keep an eye on things. The other stuff isn't (at this point) relevant.

…but your OP says he (presumably your ex) threw a piece of wood at you today? What’s amicable about wood throwing?

God no no no to all this! It’s just a recipe for disaster isn’t it? Basically your DS is ‘stuck’ with this other kid for the next 6 years at school AND on weekends.

What? Who says they'll even be together in six months, let alone in six years?!

Their job? Which includes pastoral care over the emotional and physical wellbeing of a 5 year old child. How could they possibly do that job without being kept abreast of the issue.

Why respond so nastily?

*you said it was amicable between you and your ex. Is it? or is this a pretence?

You and the ex friend are civil and amicable to each other . is it? or this is a pretence?

i suspect that the teacher will be very aware of the drama already. or are you saying no one at the school is aware of what’s gone on? or that the boy haven’t mentioned the new relationship to their teacher??*

Do you usually struggle with comprehension? I'm baffled as to what your issue with me and this post is?

I have now said to you, several times, that we are amicable in front of the children. I have said there was a big-ish fall out. ExDP and I co-parent well. What part of this are you struggling to grasp?

The teacher isn't aware of the drama, no other parents are aware and the children don't know that they are seeing each other, they just think they are friends/meeting up so the kids can play together.

I think it's far more likely that the boys do know there's something going on. Or at the very least the best friend does, and that's what's at the root of the problem. Kids aren't stupid, just because they've not expressly been told something doesn't mean they can't see what's right in front of them.

It sounds like he wants to be seperate from your DS - probably in the hope that your Ex goes away and leaves him to have time alone with his DM again - and is trying to achieve that in a way that makes sense to a 5yo. Every day - school and weekend - with the same friend is a lot to expect them to be OK with.

I think you should approach the teacher, and explain what's going on.

I also think you should talk to DS about what it means to be friends with someone, and that if someone treats you badly, and is unkind, then they're not a real friend and he doesn't have to put up with that.

*but not behind closed doors?

what’s going on behind closed door and how on earth are the children completely unaware of the situation?*

Because the children are five years old? I'm not sure why it's so shocking that my son doesn't know mummy's friend shagged daddy?

No, DS' best friend threw a piece of wood at me. Not my ex.

The best friend might. I know with 100% certainty my DS is non the wiser.

Perhaps he does, although he always squeals with excitement every morning when he sees DS and always asks if they can go to xyz together at the weekends.

Thank you for your advice. I said almost exactly that to DS, we've had a long chat about how people deserve to be treated and what friendship doesn't look like.

I do wonder whether the other adults in this situation are being as protective of the children's sense of normality as you are, OP - is it possible the other little boy is hearing things he shouldn't, and is taking his confusion out on your ds? Just a thought.

The teacher really needs to be brought into the picture on all of this so that she can support both kids and protect your son from being this other child's punchbag. I feel for you, you've done nothing wrong.