To go straight to the teacher? How do I play this?

[gretaar]

Please bare with me, this is messy.

DS is 5 and had a best friend whom he is thick as thieves with. They spend the majority of the school day together, everyone knows they come as a pair.

Best friend's mum was my friend, we weren't extremely close but we have known each other since high school and became closer after the boys started reception. Met up with the kids outside of school, gave them lifts as she doesn't drive etc.

She then started meeting up with ExDP who is DS' father behind my back (with the kids). I asked them both what was going on and they said they were just friends, I was basically made out to be crazy. Turns out they slept together and are now seeing each other.

This all happened within the space of 6ish weeks and there was a big-ish fallout. We ignore each other at the school run now.

Now, every weekend they meet up with the boys.

Best friend can be very unkind. He has hit me before, said I am snake piss (?).

He threw a piece of wood at me today at the school run. When DS said he was going home, best friend said if he left then he would hate him and not be his best friend anymore.

DS was extremely upset. It has come out that best friend has been hitting DS at school, but DS doesn't mind because he's "my best friend and he loves me".

It has also come out that best friend has been unkind to DS quite a few times at school and says things like he hates him, and threatens to not be his best friend if things don't go his way.

DS says he is "sick of it now" and he's worried that they'll go to the same high school and work in the same place and he will be mean to him the whole time. He also said he feels like, is best friend fell over then he would see if he was ok, but that best friend wouldn't do the same for DS.

One minute DS says he still wants to be best friends, then the next he says he doesn't.

He says he isn't mean when they meet up outside of school.

What do I do? How do I play this? I know I'll just get made out to be bitter and stirring the pot.

OP, you seem to be getting a hard time here and I'm not really sure why.

Your DC is being bullied, you have personally witnessed negative behaviour by the bully, yes I would definitely take it up with the teacher.

I can understand the pair of adults lying to you when you questioned their relationship would be friendship-ending; who wants to be friends with someone who will lie to your face?

It's also possible that the bully's behaviour is due to the change in situation; having to share his mum's time & attention with your son's father may make him jealous, even if he doesn't really understand his own feelings on the matter.

I can also understand why you'd be hesitant to tell your ex about this situation as, regardless of how you feel, it could appear to be an act of jealousy.

Either way, your kid's safety and well-being comes first and he's much more likely to be protected if the staff are aware of the bullying that's happening.

OP your child is being hit in school. Then it is the schools problem and you need to talk to the teachers. If it was another child you would do the same not go to the mother so the same should apply here. It's up to you what you say but i think it's important and relevant that the teachers understand the relationship between the two children. I think you also need to talk to your DS father and ask if he has noticed anything when they are together on his watch and make sure he knows your concerns. Ideally he could talk to DS privately. Let ex decide how to approach it with the other mother. I think if you don't involve him and the school tell her there was a complaint etc it could be painted as a malicious thing. It sounds terribly complicated but whatever the circumstances, your DS is being bullied in school and something should be done.

omg!! why are you so invested in this? you're just coming across as nasty

Thank you. So much.

@regenerate they knew each other from before the boys started reception. Wouldn’t you be peeved if your ex started dating one of your mates?

Maybe better off ignoring @regenerate's badgering you - seen this poster do this a lot

What your ex and ex best friend did or is doing is absolutely nothing to do with you relationship wise I mean. Talk the school about the safeguarding policies and your concerns if they don't seem to be taking action take it further at the ladder. If you think your son is any form of danger from his best friend when he's at his dads speak to social services.
But also remember, not everything a five-year-old says is true so bear in mind.

Thank you

It is nothing to do with me, as I said I have accepted it. My only concern is how it affects DS.

I'm going to speak to the teacher, DS is my first so I was unsure whether the done thing in these situations is to approach the teacher or the parents.

I'm very aware that all that DS says may not be true. What makes me inclined to believe him, I'd how distressed he was and that I've seen the behaviour he's describing.

Me too, quite boring behaviour from that person.

OP, in your shoes I would definitely have a word with the teacher. Stating facts about what you've seen in terms of temper/actions, and letting the teacher know what your DS said to you about his experiences.

And I would also definitely mention that there is a new relationship between the mum and DSs dad. This is extremely relevant as the boys are increasingly likely to be seeing each other outside of school so it will add an extra layer of complexity to their friendship.

Personally I wouldn't say anything to your former friend but I would mention casually to your ex that you spoke to DSs teacher about him being upset. Regardless of whose child it is, that kind of info should be shared between co-parents. What he does with the info is out of your hands.

I think you're being quite level-headed about this and I hope you can keep it business-like despite how irritating the entire situation must feel!

OP, your post makes perfect sense.

It sounds like you are wondering how to tackle the boys' friendship issues due to the complexity of your friend, the other boy's mum, now dating your ex-partner, your son's dad. So you're feeling if you speak to your (former) friend about it, she'll think you're just annoyed over her getting with your ex. And if you complain to the teacher, your former friend might say you're just bitter?

I would raise it with the teacher- primarily just the friendship issue. But do add as an aside the adults' relationship details. It IS relevant. They have to spend weekends together. And it will ward off the other mother just saying you're being bitter.

I don’t understand MN sometimes.

Just last week I put up a post saying my DD was being bullied. I was told despite the fact I’d gone to the teachers plenty, wrote to the governors and Ofsted and tried to tackle it directly with parents, I was ‘passive’ and ‘not doing enough’ because I refused to square up to a child or threaten to attack their parent.

Now an OP with a bullied little boy (younger than my DD!) is being berated for considering taking it to the teacher who apparently ‘doesn’t have time’.

The funny thing is on this thread the SAME PEOPLE who made shitty comments to me and now making shitty comments to the OP.

I wonder if it’s because MN is not very sympathetic to little boys or no matter what OPs post, some just like to stick the boot in. I suspect a bit of both but largely the latter. Too many saddos who need to get a life.

Anyway. Back to answer the OP:

I would bet money on the fact that you are being slagged off by his mum and your ex and he is listening and dislikes you and by extension your DS. Or he’s feeling jealous because his mum has jumped into a relationship with a new man who has a son and his nose has been pushed out of joint, and is taking out on your son.

Either way your poor little boy should not have to tolerate this. I’m surprised people are doubting the language he uses - my son has also been grown up for his age and has spoken like that since he was small.

Request a meeting with the teacher and give them the full context because it’s relevant. Ask them what action they’ll be taking and follow up regularly at pick up/drop off. Tell your DS that friends aren’t nasty to others friends and encourage him to branch out in other friendships. Do you know any other mums at the school?

It isn’t. I understood it perfectly

Tbh I would consider moving DS to another school…

They will know. Kids aren’t stupid.

Anyone else thinking regenerate is the friend?! 👀 🍿

Tell the teacher that they are spending a lot of time together and what your son has said. Teacher will probably separate them a bit in class and that distance might be enough for him to feel ok again (let’s face it they’ll probably be best friends again next week). Trying to get him to meet
new friends and play dates with other kids is a great shout. Not sure I’d be wanting my kid to be friends with a kid who referred to me as snake piss even if he was the best thing since sliced bread.

Speak to the teacher - it’s always better to make school aware so they can have eyes where they need to have them when you’re not there.

Also I don’t normally bring outside issues into other threads but please ignore @regenerate. She (he? Unsure) tormented me on my own thread about a bullied child to the point where her/his posts were deleted. S/he also followed me around MN posting on other threads referencing my bullying thread. Better to ignore he/she/it.

The irony of someone like that being obsessed with posting on bullying threads sharing their so-called pearls of wisdom.

@KarenNotAKaren I couldn't believe their behaviour on your thread, it was downright bizarre.

They’re a bully. How on Earth MNHQ haven’t booted them I’ll never know

I don't understand, if your ex is truly your ex, why you should fall out with your friend for seeing him/sleeping with him.

For the sake of your co-parenting relationship but ultimately your little boys wellbeing, I think you need to suck up the shitty behaviour of ex and the former friend, draw a line in the sand and address between you first.

If it were me, I'd explain your concerns to your ex, he should have his sons best interests as his first priority. I'd explain that you think it's best to bring the concerns to the teacher because it's only in school where things are escalating, so it's worth asking for their help given the potential long term implications of their parents being in a relationship. Ask if you can all work together to make sure the boys can get along as much as possible.

If you go straight to the teacher you'll be painted as the bad guy by your ex and the ex friend. Play the game and be the bigger person. Go to the teacher still, but get them on board first.

That poster picks on people whose kids are being bullied.

9 deleted posts on this thread and probably the same on mine. Speaks for itself

Yes you must explain to the teacher what is going on. They will want you to. Ask them to keep an eye on things and where possible to encourage other friendships. They will be more than happy to do this and be pleased you have kept them informed of changes in your child's life.

So you don't think it's real that most teachers are overworked?
Again, don't dismiss a real point with silly language.