To not feel sorry for MIL

[Unbeknownsty]

MIL has three sons. She has never been a very 'present' mum to them, she always opted to work over Christmas (key word, opted to, as she didn't like Christmas) never did anything for their birthdays, never went on holiday with them, never hugged them or said she loved them.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

I refuse to see her as she was very rude to me several times, of course I'd never mind DH seeing her but he just doesn't.

She's recently retired and is now laying a big guilt trip on DH, how lonely she is etc.

This past Christmas no one invited her to theirs, and no family visited her or sent anything. I think she suddenly realised that without work, she actually hasn't got much.

AIBU to think you get what you give?

You reap what you sow as she is finding out. Your DH calling her once a week is more than some would do.

Your DH is doing more than I would. Lots of parenthood is going things you don't like much, again and again.

Exactly!

The other two sons don't even call her, but they can do no wrong. She seems to be aiming all her woe-is-me onto DH.

Family obviously isn't her thing, she needs to volunteer somewhere to get fulfillment. Otherwise she will be turning up to family things being miserable and putting that on others.

you don’t talk to her because shes said awful things in the past
you and your dh never see her

sounds like one heck of a backstory!

what’s happened previous christmases?

I had a not very present mother and I empathise.
Its a tough lesson to learn but you what goes around comes around

My "D"M is similar although we do take it in turns to have her on Christmas Day.

If she's opted to work on Christmas Day when they were DC I'm not sure I'd feel the same obligation.

I think your DH just needs to keep on doing what he's doing and ignore her moanings

is your DH’s father around?

She is aiming it at your DH because he is the only one who has bothered with her he should nudge her in the direction of her other children and suddenly be busy let her spread her guilt trip around

You reap what you sow. I wouldn't have any sympathy either and if I was your DH I'd probably tell her why.

It sounds similar to MIL. On top of that she was vile to the few friends she had and they stopped making an effort (she made no effort).
She was also obviously dismissive of BIL as he wasn’t as sympathetic as DH, but he lived very close (we didn’t). So DH tried but was very limited and BIL didn’t because she wasn’t interested in him anyway.

but if your DH never sees her

and only contact is him calling her…. what’s the problem? why doesn’t he just do same as his brother and not even for the weekly call? 🤷‍♀️

All other Christmas times she opted to work. All throughout their childhoods - they went to grandparents or their schoolfriends. From when the oldest was 12, they were left by themselves pretty much 24/7.

Not much of a back story to be honest - just that she was very rude to me, I asked her not to be rude, she continued, so now I don't visit.

She'd never apologise, she just expects DH to visit on his own but DH doesn't want to.

Is there more to the story?
I feel like while she doesn't sound very pleasant, could there have been something in her life which caused her to struggle around showing love, celebrations, general family life?
I say this because I had a relative who came across as a horrible woman, but as I got older I was told a little of her back story, and I started to understand why she was the way she was. Unfortunately she has passed away by that point, but I do feel sad that she ended up pushing others away at least in part due to what happened to her in the past.
Of course, something like this may not be true in your MIL's case, but there are often reasons why people act the way they do. Of course you/DH/her family do not have to push, or go out of your way to have a relationship with her if you don't want to, just offering another perspective.

where’s the father?

Your DH receives the "woe is me" treatment because when calls her. If he didn't call her and another son did, they would get the "woe is me" and your DH would "do no wrong". It's just convenience and means nothing.

Its up to him if he wants to stay in contact or not. But I'm in agreement with you reap what you sow, families are either close or they are not and that is defined as a very young age.

When was the last time DH visited?

this sounds like a non issue

you don’t see her
you say your dh doesn’t see her
your dh rings once a week

do you have children?

Whenever she comments on how lonely she is he just needs to bat it away and suggest she picks up a new hobby or some volunteer work. “You used to love working, why don’t you see if you can volunteer with national trust” and then just not engage any further

Sounds like my FIL. I’m done with him now - my husband makes so much effort with him but it’s all one sided. After he decided to not bother coming to see us and his 3 grandsons at Christmas I have checked out. He only gets in touch when he wants something. He was a crap dad and is a crap grandad, unless we suggest we go on holiday and we’ll pay for him then suddenly he’s present!

If your DH feels he can't cut her off I'd suggest only calling every other week. If he's going to be moaned at he might as well reduce how much.

I'm sorry your mother wasn't present. I don't think they even have the self awareness to realise!

I’ve got 3 female relatives (funnily enough 3 generations in my family) who are like this -
expecting family to be there for them in a bit of a one sided relationship.

It’s up to your dh to think through what he’s going to feel guilty about when she dies, the tit for tat thing is all very well but you have an emotional attachment to even relatively insufficient parents and he needs to think that aspect through. Cutting or lessening contact may hurt him
in the end.

it doesn’t sound like she was abusive to him, or neglected so can’t see why his brothers have cut the mum off entirely. She sounds like someone who didn’t cope very well with life.

Where’s the father in all this because he doesn’t seem to be present at all?

Is MIL a widow?

If your DH is the one bearing the brunt of her whinging and moaning that his siblings are not in touch with her, he needs to spell it out for her:
"Look mum, when we were kids you decided because you didn't like Christmas that you would be working on Christmas day without thinking that Adam, Bob and I would like to have our Mum around on that day. Now we've become so immune to you not being around for days that we hold special that we don't include you. You reap what you sow. If you're lonely, you'd probably better start going out and doing social things because Adam, Bob and I will not be running around after you. Why would we? You didn't do it for us when we needed our mum to be around. You need to pick up the phone and speak with Adam, speak with Bob. They are adults, just as you are. I'm not going to be phoning you anymore because all I'm hearing is "woe is me" and I'm tired of hearing that. The ball is firmly in your court now so do with it what you will"

Oh and yes, we endlessly encourage these relatives to join groups, volunteer and point out that you yourselves work and her expectations are unrealistic.