To not feel sorry for MIL

[Unbeknownsty]

MIL has three sons. She has never been a very 'present' mum to them, she always opted to work over Christmas (key word, opted to, as she didn't like Christmas) never did anything for their birthdays, never went on holiday with them, never hugged them or said she loved them.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

I refuse to see her as she was very rude to me several times, of course I'd never mind DH seeing her but he just doesn't.

She's recently retired and is now laying a big guilt trip on DH, how lonely she is etc.

This past Christmas no one invited her to theirs, and no family visited her or sent anything. I think she suddenly realised that without work, she actually hasn't got much.

AIBU to think you get what you give?

This!!!

I don't see it as leaving her alone as such; she has other sons who could invite her or she could make her own plans.

His father was in the picture until the boys were in their late teens, when he left and he divorced his mum.

The Christmas shifts were a choice because she wanted to work, not financially motivated (that would be different for sure).

She went on holidays with friends - she had meals out, basically just lived as though she had no sons - they sorted themselves really, so I don't feel sorry that she's now lonely!

Thank you for the replies I appreciate all the viewpoints.

I'm of the reap what you sow school of thought.
Also I think spend time and effort on those that reciprocate.
Life's too short.

Op, what happened to all the friends she holidayed with? And did she have some kind of personality change because the person you describe in this post sounds very sociable and obviously liked by others if they went on holiday with her, so may still have other friends? While the person you first described is lonely and unlikeable.

Hmm, sorry to say, your MIL sounds like a possible Narcissistic parent. I won’t go
into detail here about Narcissistic Personality Disorder but all her actions as a Mother and person point to that. They usually have one child that they “scapegoat” and it sounds like your DH is the one, as he is getting blamed for everything. They have a golden child too who can do no wrong, they sometimes become Narcissistic themselves. Sometimes they switch these designated roles around with their kids. Yet they still as a parent expect to be revered and cared for, given the attention they want on demand, and feel badly done to when they do not. Her other two sons are either like her or gone “no contact” because they as adults realise they have a toxic Mother. Both of you would do well to ignore her. If your DH can’t bear to go no contact, then let him just continue as he is, not get sucked in to running when she calls. It seems like Karma is working in your MIL’s case!

Thanks for clarifying that, OP.

So their father neglected them even more, then, but presumably has at least had the 'good grace' not to try to cling on and make out that they owe him anything?

Did he really not care that he was not just leaving them, but leaving them with a parent who wasn't interested in them or their happiness? Appalling excuse for a parent.

I've got no idea what happened to her friends, and unfortunately I can't vouch for her personality before I knew her.

The father never had contact with them again - he did reach out to one son when he was poorly (decades later) but none of them wanted contact and he has since died.

Is it after the dad left when they were in their late teens that all this happened?

Did they spend Christmas with their Dad before?

This is why I fucking hate Xmas. So much pressure and expectations. Let people do what they want without this bullshit pressure. Stay in touch with who you want to, the rest is bullshit.

What a lot of rubbish, many mums work full time and can spend time, Xmas and birthdays with their children and tell them they love them, the amount of woman that appear to be triggered by this post about this “mother”s shocking behaviour is strange, bending over backwards to stick up for her, wether it is mh or asd she was a shit mum and her sons have a right to protect themselves from continual hurt, they don’t owe her anything after the emotional damage she has caused and the selfishness she has displayed

A saying my mother had seems appropriate in this situation: 'You get out of life what you put in but you have to put in first'.

Good God enough work shaming. Seems like the issue is that even without work she was not a caring or interested mother.

Quite - she's just not interested in anything but herself, it's nothing to do with working.

If you forget your own son's birthdays and never made Christmas traditions or nice memories then she can't be surprised her sons aren't interested in her now.

I think DH goes above and beyond even phoning her every week.

I think Îd take the high road and give her a second chance . Kindness and compassion are underrated.

I love this. 💝

I have always taken this approach when it comes to my parents as I can only control my actions, and I have to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day.

I have my own code of ethics and morals I live by, and that is not dependent on how people treat me.

Goodness, he makes your mum sound like Parent of the Year.

How anybody could just choose to walk out on their children and never have contact with them again (and suddenly doing so decades later, especially if it's because you want something from them, is far, far too little, far, far too late) is staggering and absolutely beyond me.

A woman is saying she is lonely and you all want to isolate her further
wheres the compassion
whatever she’s done she’s still his mum
shes still a human being
she may be undiagnosed autistic and not know how to interact properly or be aware
i personally feel for her

Thankyou , I agree :)

I'm glad humanity has shown it's lovely head on this thread. I was despairing of British society.

Same situation here. And then you get sucked into agreeing to a thing and it has to be all on her terms (you have to travel hundreds of miles on a certain day at a certain time because she can't do other days because of church activities or the gym, even though she knows you're swamped with work and kids 🙄) and then she asks the same one token gesture question she always asks to pretend to be polite and then talks about herself and people you don't know for 3 hours and criticises your home/lifestyle. And you have to buy her an expensive meal out even though she's cut you out of the will because she has a favourite child she prefers more for no actual reason and wants the money to go to them.

Second chance of what?

I think YABU; life is short and it's time to move on. Invite MIL over. We've all made mistakes and errors of judgement and being a parent doesn't come with a manual.
Yes, MIL does need to find other interests after retiring but that is a separate issue

@Despair1 why have you resurrected a thread from January?

OOPS, didn't check date, thank you