To not feel sorry for MIL

[Unbeknownsty]

MIL has three sons. She has never been a very 'present' mum to them, she always opted to work over Christmas (key word, opted to, as she didn't like Christmas) never did anything for their birthdays, never went on holiday with them, never hugged them or said she loved them.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

I refuse to see her as she was very rude to me several times, of course I'd never mind DH seeing her but he just doesn't.

She's recently retired and is now laying a big guilt trip on DH, how lonely she is etc.

This past Christmas no one invited her to theirs, and no family visited her or sent anything. I think she suddenly realised that without work, she actually hasn't got much.

AIBU to think you get what you give?

i’ve asked 🤷‍♀️

DH has a very similar mother.
She was very work focused as DH was growing up and he was in childcare after school until he was old enough to be on his own (and being the 80s, this was young). I wouldn't say she was cold, just absent. They barely had a relationship and had absolutely nothing to talk about, like chatting with a cousin you see once every few years. DH moved in with me when he was 19 and they had a distant but OK relationship from there. She wouldn't make any effort but it was always OK when we saw her. She came to our wedding and then we haven't seen her since then (20 plus years). She has been married since and moved around. There's no real awful issues, she just wasn't into being DH mother and they don't have anything to say to each other. Has never met her two grandchildren.
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents unfortunately. I'm sure if you asked her she would say the same.
DH doesn't miss her.

That's exactly how I deal with my DM. You need her to understand that your DH isn't suddenly going to fix her problems for her, she needs to be more proactive herself and find things she enjoys doing.

YANBU!! She's getting her just desserts!! As I hope my mother (who sounds exactly the same) will too.

Just out of interest what job did your mil do ?

To be honest I think that is a horrible saying.
It reminds me of you’ve made your bed, so lie in it.

Equally as horrible

She has distanced herself, preferring to work, presumably to give them all a better life when they were younger, food on the table etc

So have a little compassion now that her life is now changed, and she has realised that she has no one.

You don’t have to rush and change your life if you don’t want to, but remember parents do the best they can manage at the time, there are no rules

A few of the comments that I’ve read on here are quite horrible.
Compassion and kindness, are nice words, and it’s always best to remember them, in case you reap what you sow

I imagine his mothers version is very different.
She worked hard to provide for the family, and her child went into childcare, as so many children do today, but she had to to be able to afford …the house, the car, whatever it was

As her teenage son went through his moody years, he was tricky to deal with, and he got a girlfriend when he was young and moved out.

We don’t hear much from him, as he is always nearer her side of the family now.

But I hope he’s happy

There are always more than one version to a story, it depends which perspective you are looking at it from …….

Couldn't be further from the real story (as she would actually confirm herself). MIL openly didn't enjoy being a mother. Some people just don't. She didn't need to work but enjoyed working more than being a parent. She's not a nasty person, she's just not maternal and she is brutally honest.
DH never had a difficult teenage phase. He went to college and then had a full time job. He earned his own money to buy a car to get there. He's never seen a penny from his mum -he was paying for his lunches at school when he was 12 from his paper round money. Wasn't a moody teen, no drugs or parties or issues.
He moved in with me because it was preferable to being at home alone or with someone he had absolutely nothing in common with. There was no argument or unhappy ending. MIL didn't care either way and had no real interest in keeping in touch. Again, no unpleasantness, just a kind of natural end.
Not every story has two totally different sides. She wouldn't disagree with anything I've said. She was never mean or nasty to DH. She's not a bad person. She's a fantastic business women. She's just a crap mum. I'm sure she does wish DH well (if she ever thinks about him!) and he does her. Doesn't mean they want to see each other.

Was she a single mom with three boys?
It sounds like she might have been overwhelmed and hid in her work?

Did she get financial support from their Dad?

Total & utter hogwash. You can work hard & also give your children love & attention. I'm in a professional job, yet my life's work has always been my children. I adore them & I know they have always & will always know it.

I think this is a sad thread that lacks empathy. I never get out of bed in the morning to deliberately get being a good mum wrong. Your MIL’s parenting owes much of what she experienced as a child with her parents.
Back in the day parents didn’t shower their kids with love like we do today.

Even in a short period of time, society has become much more child centric. Your MIL grew up in a different time. It seems cruel to find glee in her ‘reaping what she sowed’.

It is quite shocking to hear none of her 3 children invited her for Christmas or even visited her! That’s what you would do someone you hate. I get she didn’t foster a nurturing relationship but is she truly that bad?

Clearly the posters who try to find "the other side of the story" had normal parents who care about them. You have no idea how it feels to have a mother like this.
Yes there are nothers who shouldn't have had any children. It's hurtful, very hurtful to grow up like this. From experience.
Please stop asking for "the other side". There is none. You just can't understand it, lucky you.

My bio mom was a drug addict all three of her kids were placed in foster care.

Needless to say I understand poor parenting.

People are complex though, and rarely are things as black and white as they seem.

I am a big believer in compassion and empathy because I've had to dig quite deep to have it for her. Compassion has generally served me well.

Please don't judge people based on their desire to understand more and ask questions.

It's because I have seen the bad that I try my hardest to search for the good.

You’ve forgotten the nc there op.
Edit: Apologies, think I’ve mixed up who was posting.

I second that emotion

Not doing anything with your children for Xmas and birthdays, not hugging them or telling them they’re are loved is extremely neglectful wtf

I absolutely agree that there is always a back story. People have their own experiences which impact them and the way they behave. Some are obvious and some less so.

I echo the words - understanding and kindness.

My own mother is law has treated me appallingly and even though I have minimal contact I am pleasant and have compassion for her. I forgive her. I know why she has treated me the way she has.

She sounds mentally unwell tbh…. Do you think she has an undiagnosed mental disorder?

I wonder what happened to her partner/husband?

And could your DH have an open conversation with her about everything? Why she worked at Christmas etc. and can he explain that he feels hurt. If they get a dialogue going it could help everyone involved.

Have you tried asking her what she wants to do for Christmases and birthdays? Maybe opening a dialogue would be a good place to start. Maybe she has had a change of heart.

My mum never hugged us kids or said she loved us.

However nowadays in her old age, she is full of love and praise, hugs and things.

Societal norms change and people can learn new behaviours. So just have a talk. What would she like? What would you like?

Because he's the only one listening! If it's getting too much for dh I'd gently advise him to scale back on the telephone calls!
If she genuinely is starting to understand how her detachment over the years has affected her family then she will apologise but I highly doubt this .... She'll just move on to whoever will listen to her next!

So who put food on the table, or a roof over your husband's head. Who kept the family together, not split up into care homes?
Raising 3 boys on your own is no easy feat, she could have took the easier option and lived a life on benefits, or shacked up with losers.
How much company were your sons for her when younger, how compliment or appreciative, how much support did they offer her? Did they help out financially or help with DIY, or did they sit back and let her do the lot?

Does MIL have undiagnosed Autism?

Not everyone's best is great, nor even good.
Sounds like MIL was just good enough, but raised three productive sons.

It's right to protect yourselves from neglect and rudeness.
And it is kind of DH to be available to chat on the phone.
Kudos to him! He realises that, unlike his mother, everything is not about how HE feels..

Providing the bare minimum doesn't mean someone wasn't neglectful or abusive, just because others are worse. Her attitude = emotional abuse and if her children turned out OK it was in spite of not because of it.
YANBU OP. She deserves what she's getting.

She might suffer from depression. My mum was like this. She didn’t know how to parent. She had me at 17. I seem to be parenting her in life. It’s been hard for me but I feel happier being compassionate in my approach and even though my childhood was a “cold” experience I’m taking the reigns now and building something with her in her older years. I’ve always tried to understand why she couldn’t love me in the way I wanted but the old saying is your children are your teachers so I’m showing her how to behave and it’s making us both happier. I can’t punish her for something she didn’t understand. I try and focus on all the things she DID do right. No hugs, laughter or telling me she loved me but a meal on the table after school and clean clothes and lifts all over the place.