To not feel sorry for MIL

[Unbeknownsty]

MIL has three sons. She has never been a very 'present' mum to them, she always opted to work over Christmas (key word, opted to, as she didn't like Christmas) never did anything for their birthdays, never went on holiday with them, never hugged them or said she loved them.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

I refuse to see her as she was very rude to me several times, of course I'd never mind DH seeing her but he just doesn't.

She's recently retired and is now laying a big guilt trip on DH, how lonely she is etc.

This past Christmas no one invited her to theirs, and no family visited her or sent anything. I think she suddenly realised that without work, she actually hasn't got much.

AIBU to think you get what you give?

What’s the excuse for ignoring her adult son’s birthday now? Surely a card would be nice?

As the kids would say these days, she fucked around, and now she's finding out.

You reap what you sow.

That being said, this is entirely a DH issue. Support him in whatever he decides. It's his history.

She has picked out OP's DH because very selfish people are very good at spotting the "soft" targets (no offense, that's not how I see them, that's how MIL prob sees them).

Quite hard hearted responses here!

DH could potentially develop a warmer relationship with her, get to know and understand her better, bring happiness and closeness to both of them. Or he could say screw you, CBA.

Of course, if she just wants you to do errands etc then that's transactional and I'd turn that down, but if she genuinely wants to be closer then - why not? What will you regret more when she dies? I'd give it a go and see if she's still rude and cold etc.

There's more to this story, some mothers are feckless or neglectful, or too traumatised by their own experiences to respond to their children properly. I think it's pretty rare that a mother simply doesn't care. She might have been trying her best, even if it wasn't good enough.

Talking at him suggests loneliness and anxiety. Maybe if he spent more time with her, they could get past that.

This whole "different times" is rubbish.

My grandmother born in the 1940s is a wonderful mum & grandmother, she has always been in contact with her children & grandkids. She gets together with my mum & siblings every week and makes the effort to drive to them despite being in her 80s & recovering from cancer! So no it's not a time thing.

That said my MIL is the same. Bar one in law, none of her family speak to her. She's extremely difficult & has a very "woe is Me" approach and falls out with people on a whim for months at a time and then just appears without apology and expects you to play happy families.
She also expects DH to do most things for her, despite never doing anything for him. Nobody invited her for Christmas so she turned up at ours uninvited after not speaking to us for eight months for no reason! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don't make the effort with her anymore and I think the penny has dropped like it has for your mil. Stick to your guns.

I guess you reap what you sow, but leaving her alone on Christmas day is about as HARSH as it gets!

Where is DH's dad in all this? What she a single mum? Would she have been working Christmas as it was paying double time?

Huge assumption on either your or your dh’s part that she chose to work over Christmas to get away from them and Christmas and horrible for those of us who work over Christmas and every year get the ‘oh would you not be able to get out of it, can they not get someone else?’ etc (and I don’t even do Christmas Day just eve and Boxing Day!!)

Also think of all the little things you and your dh rant to each other about, or the things you rant about to people in work. I found after my dad died mum was a lot more negative and I honestly believe she has very few people to rant to when eg something goes wrong or something irritating happens so it all comes out when we ring. If the family were in contact and she had her workmates she might be a different person. Unfortunately I think we’ll all get there sometime

Yes, I find that part telling as well. No attempt even now to try to make it up to them.

In a way, she reminds me of criminals (not suggesting that she is a criminal at all; and obviously not the same degree) who merrily commit the most appalling crimes and take/ruin people's lives without a second thought, but then weep like babies when they're sent to prison - because that negatively impacts their lives.

I don't at all see why the phrase 'you reap what you sow' is unkind. It's just a basic fact, and entirely just; if you don't want to reap X, all you have to do is not sow X - it isn't a difficult concept.

Adding my name to the list of people who would like to know about the boys' father, though. Unless he had already died, he sounds much worse than their mother.

YANBU- I think some parents forget that children will one day become adults- who will judge you for the childhood you gave them! She’s reaping what she sowed!

The reason ,”you reap what you sow,” is unkind is because some people have much more to sow in the first place.
What was her own childhood like? Did she have her own happy childhood Christmas and birthday memories?
Parental love isn’t directly reciprocal, you love your children so that they can pass it on. So if your DH is a loving person she did a good enough job. Cut her some slack.

My biggest regret is my not being a decent human being towards my FIL. He is gone now. When you grow up, you will feel the same too. Like me you are trying to find excuses to be unpleasant to your in-law. Don't. Believe me, you will feel awful when she is gone. You don't know or rather you only know one half of the story of what mother she was to your DH. And it is nothing to do with you.

You and your DH are not being unreasonable. The only thing I'd recommend is for your husband to consider how he would feel if she died tomorrow - in terms of would he be at peace with the way his relationship with her had been?

This is more for his benefit than hers but I've seen people in similar situations have very strong reactions when the parent they're not close to dies - they can sometimes panic and second guess everything. Just something to consider.

I guess you reap what you sow, but leaving her alone on Christmas day is about as HARSH as it gets!

But OP states that she didn't like Christmas when the boys were little; so why is it suddenly so very important to her now?

Assuming that this interpretation is correct and it's not that she actually did have to work, maybe to make ends meet - but surely you would tell your children the truth that Mummy has to work (no need to give major financial detail to little ones), rather than making up an unkind lie that she prefers to do so just to avoid spending special times with her family.

Saying "I don't like Christmas" is 100% a red herring, as you can 'do' your family Christmas however you choose. If you don't eat meat, have a vegetarian Christmas; if you hate Christmas TV, don't watch it; if you don't like/can't afford shopping for presents, they aren't obligatory; you don't even have to call it 'Christmas', if you don't want to for whatever reason. But it's an internationally-recognised special time, when children aren't at school, life slows down and most people don't have to go to work, so if you actually care about your family, why on earth wouldn't you want to be with them then, if nothing is stopping you?

Grandparents are a wonderful part of many people's family Christmases, when they are still alive and around, and they often enjoy being fussed over a bit; but that's usually based on the notion that they played their part in the past and made it special for their own children when they were little.

I don't want to make it sound transactional, but love and kindness need to go both ways. To put it crassly: play unkind games, win unkind prizes.

You reap what you sow - but there was a school of thought then that by feeding and clothing your children you were doing your bit.

To all those saying: have empathy, act with kindness bla bla bla.
I have the opposite experience. I grew up with my grandmother (because “that’s what was best for you, we were sooo busy working”), saw my parents on weekends, then moved in with them when I was twelve, alone every afternoon till they came home. I moved out at 19, but always bought my mother’s line how she did everything in my best interest, worked so hard so I could have it better than them. I defended her, stayed in touch. She never praised me, though I did well in school. Lied about what a teacher said about me, which I found out when I confronted the teacher. 😂 As I got older she always lamented that I don’t ring her regularly. She NEVER rang me. I had her round coffee or dinner often. She expected everything for simply having birthed me, putting no effort in. My ex MIL pointed out once how she’s hardly brought me up herself and I was a credit to my grandmother. I was incensed, most upset with my then MIL. The “better life” - yeah, they divorced and when my dad passed with ton’s of debt (I didn’t grow up in the UK, law’s different elsewhere), she washed her hands off it all, referring everyone to me as next of kin. It cost a bomb to sort it all out with solicitors to turn the inheritance of that debt down on behalf of myself and my son.
I still kept in touch, because I believed the line of “I did it all for you, I did my best.” No. They lived 10 mins from my grandmother, they could have picked me up and spent evenings with me. They didn’t turn up to school events, no matter how much notice.
They didn’t make an effort. At all. Every conversation made me miserable as I was accused of not caring, not doing enough.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she was yelling down the phone that I had an easy life. Because I was lucky enough to have a wonderful MIL who used to pick up my DS from nursery when I was working - to bring him home! I put him to bed, looked after him when he was poorly.
She never visited us where we live, once cancelled plans the last minute, because her alcoholic husband lost his job and told her she couldn’t come as he’d need the money. She would have stayed with us. I offered to pay for the rest. Nope. Then she came to where we live - not to visit, but for a Rod Stewart concert, being all upset and woe is me when I wouldn’t pull DS, who doesn’t know her, out of school on the day of his xmas performance he’d been excited about.
She is an incurable narcissist. She shouldn’t have had kids. I am now no contact.
So yes, it may be harsh, but in short: you DO reap what you sow. And my empathy and kindness have run out. Working, providing and hugging/caring/showing love and interest are not mutually exclusive.
OP, I hope your DH does what’s best for him. Sometimes that’s what we need to do for our own sanity.

OMG, what a rant! Sorry. 😂😂

Yes, I know. I’m just saying that I might approach things differently.

That often seems to be the way. She is emotionally dependent on your man and resents him for it. And would rather romanticise the other two because one negligent son is bad luck but three not bothering suggests she is the problem.

Sounds familiar. No, YANBU.

She almost certainly did have a terrible childhood herself and has continued the cycle with her own children. We can have empathy and compassion for that at the same time as not accepting hurtful and traumatising behaviour from her now. I suppose OP has a lot more empathy and compassion for their DH which is understandable, and any they might have had for MIL ran out a long time ago.

I can't see even the slightest hint of the MIL genuinely wanting to be closer. If she did, she'd be asking questions about DH and his family, she'd be putting in the effort to call herself and she'd be remembering his birthday. He's had his whole life of her not doing these basic things - there comes a point when you have to stop being a glutton for punishment.

Stop projecting your own guilt at not being decent on to OP. OP and her husband HAVE been decent.

Grow up and get a grip and be decent to people.

This is so true. I get the most guilt trips and I when call this out I am told 'oh you're so different to the others' and 'we have a special relationship'. The others get off scott free.

If she's just retired she's still young and needs to get some hobbies and volunteer or do a small part time job. She shouldn't be expecting her family to entertain her especially as she has been so neglectful.

Suppose she would if he's the only one that bothers.

Where was his father in all this?

Still sounds pretty neglectful tbh.

Not even giving him lunch money?

Was his father absent too?

Nonsense!

There are loads of hard-working, single parents out there who have to work all the hours god sends to earn.

However, they still show love, or care or concern to their children. They are still a parent.

The mothers discussed here aren't

Just like all the fathers that bugger off and leave actual 'parenting' to their partners. Just because 'career'