To not feel sorry for MIL

[Unbeknownsty]

MIL has three sons. She has never been a very 'present' mum to them, she always opted to work over Christmas (key word, opted to, as she didn't like Christmas) never did anything for their birthdays, never went on holiday with them, never hugged them or said she loved them.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

I refuse to see her as she was very rude to me several times, of course I'd never mind DH seeing her but he just doesn't.

She's recently retired and is now laying a big guilt trip on DH, how lonely she is etc.

This past Christmas no one invited her to theirs, and no family visited her or sent anything. I think she suddenly realised that without work, she actually hasn't got much.

AIBU to think you get what you give?

From this limited info, it seems like she could possibly be narcissistic and your dh is the scapegoat.

My own mum was not a hugger never said I love you as a child .and also worked every hour God sent . I didn't feel neglected. I felt provided for . My mum amd dad worked hard in low paid jobs it was the 80s amd it had to be done.
Also my mum had had a terrible childhood.been abandoned.by her own mother and just didn't know how to parent. It dosnt mean she didn't love me. She turned into a soppy nana when I had my kids and I couldn't imagine just abandoning her . You don't always know the person behind the story.

Can your dh signpost her to local clubs she may be interested in, or volunteering opportunities? Encourage her to try something new, or volunteer at a local charity shop.

Where was the dad? Was she a single parent? Perhaps she had to work at Christmas but didn’t want to burden her DC with the truth. Perhaps she was worried about money.

As others have said, lots of people are not very affectionate or demonstrative. If your DH and his brothers were fed and clothed and not neglected or harmed in any way, it sounds like maybe she was doing her best in a bad situation?

My own dad wasn’t great, for many reasons. But I got to a point when I realised that, whatever had happened in the past, he was just a lonely old man, and I did my best to spend time with him. It sounds like your DH is doing the same, by at least calling her every week. But unless there is some massive backstory I find it incredibly sad that not one of her sons visited her or even sent her a card at Christmas.

Is she like she is because she is like that? Or is she like she is because she had to work her arse around 3 kids for the majority or her life without much help?

The answer of that question will change the full story perspective.

Sounds like my FIL(rip). He only cared about himself and didn’t bother to give birthday cards to DP or his grandchildren. He would only message when he needed something, like help with understanding a bill. He would also play the lonely card.

YANBU!

She obviously didn't enjoy having children and threw herself into work. My mum didn't enjoy having a third child, so joined a religious organisation and immersed herself into it. She stopped celebrating Easter/birthdays and Christmas. Just ignored them. Before she died, none of us had a good relationship with her. I'd visit once a week, while she hadn't heard from the others. I think your husband's very kind to ring her once a week. I'm afraid you reap what you sow. She didn't make good relationships with her children, so they're not close. I wonder if she regrets it now? As work have gone and she's all alone now.

You reap what you sow.

This is so very true. I have issues with my own parent, and my PIL as they age, because they are expecting to reap a great harvest from a very poor sowing.

My PIL massively favour DH's DSis over him, and will move mountains to help her. They have never done anything for my DH in the decades I have known them. His DSis has now decided they are smothering her, and backed off and they are very upset. They have tried to make more effort with DH, DC and I lately, but I'm not interested. I'm indifferent to them now.

One of my own parents remarried and immersed themselves in their family to the expense of mine, and now years later want back in.

All are 80's, needing help, and complaining they never see us.

I do a bit for them all, but I won't do it at the expense of my own family. My DH and DC come first, and if/when I have DGC there's no way I will pass the opportunity by to help out or see them, for people who were too busy to help me or show me some compassion when I was upset/ on the bones of my arse/ in a bad place.

I think I have made a massive effort with my own DC. I am regularly complimented on my DC, about how lovely they are. I hope that when they are older, they want me in their lives. I'd love to help them out with their DC, take the pressure off them. If they do, I'll count myself very lucky.

She sounds like someone who should never have had children as she wasn’t cut out for it. That was my mum. My mum would get an ASD diagnosis today but it wouldn’t have been considered them.

@Mo819 yes similar here, anyway my point is the dh here is in contact, and your goal with ageing parents isn’t vengeance it’s not feeling guilt when they’re gone that something could or should have been salvaged.

Friendly reminder that autism doesn't make you (or prevent you feom.being) selfish or a bad parent.

Honestly, you are lucky she turned into a soppy nana. My 'D' M is completely uninterested in her GC. Says, she's done her bit with children.

My grandmother would have probably been diagnosed with autism had she still been alive.

She was very lovely and generous to a fault.

As adults, she still doesn't effort with them but moans that no one makes effort with her. She regularly forgets DHs birthday. He phones her every week to check on her but all she does is talk at him.

Did people completely miss this? She doesn't regret her behaviour at all. Her sadness is a result of her being just as selfish as she ever was. She can no longer do what she wants and as a result of that is suddenly left with no one and nothing and is lonely, so expects everyone else to run around after her and is sad (!) that that isn't happening. Bollox to that!!!!

All these comments saying 'It was a different time' don't wash, my mammy would be 83 & I had the most kiving, caring, fun upbringing. A very working class mother to 5, she showed all of us how to be strong & loving with an emphasis on getting the best education possible & being good people. As a result, all our own children reap those results.

I know I'm lucky, but it's just not the case that everyone was a cold parent back on the day.

I try not to let other people's behaviour determine how I behave. So, I wouldn't necessarily leave her on her own at Christmas with the thought in my head that you reap what you sew, because in the scheme of things that isn't true: planty of people are lonely through no fault of their own. You don't mention your DH's father. If she was a single parent her life would have been a struggle raising 3 children singlehandedly while also working. Perhaps she couldn't afford holidays or the time for hugs (it was an eye opener when someone once told me about the emotional consequences of poverty) We all know how hard it is to be a parent, not to mention doing it on your own - especially at the time that she had that role. It's interesting that women tend to get all the opprobrium, even when they have struggled to raise kids on their own. It is a truly thankless task.

Edited to say that I haven't rtft and notice that a few people have asked the same question about the mum having to work. The answer to this question will make a huge difference to how we react to this post.

I don’t know, my mum was very present and a brilliant family focused mother but she is also lonely in old age and wants to see her children more than she actually makes the effort to and then tells us she is lonely etc. she burdens me with her sorrows and I feel awful for her but I can’t fill all the gaps in her life and I don’t want to.

I think we just have to try and be kind and also dutiful to elderly people. They do reap what they sow but so will we when we are old and I hope I am treated with kindness.

Bloody hell that’s a low bar - kept them out of care homes????

Same happened here, except it was covid that made them ‘change’ (rather than retirement). Whereas before they hadn’t bothered with us, I think they realised they were lonely, getting old and feeling vulnerable.
We did decide to forgive and forget, we see them most weeks now and we help them out a lot. The DC have a better relationship with them and we no longer hold onto the resentment of years of being left alone to struggle (and we really struggled).
We are all happier as a result. Just wanted to provide the flip side.

I get it and think your DH probably does enough with the phone calls throughout the year given the circumstances, but something really dreadful would have had to have gone down before I’d leave a relative alone for Christmas.

Life is a long journey and it’s clearly not been the best one with his mum but I guess I’d like to leave the door open for improvement if I were in that situation.

You do indeed get out what you put in.

We have a similarly awful relative who has never even met our kids. She isn't happy about it but dp feels he needs to protect our kids from being hurt the way he was. It's all her own doing.

I have a theory - I’ve seen it with my grandparents and in laws, the child that is the most contactable/helpful often gets the most guilt trips, it’s like they know they can play on their good nature. They know that if they moan to the others it will fall on deaf ears. Your DH should tell her everything you’ve written here.

I strongly disagree with the ‘different back in the day comments’. My elderly Mum grew up during the war and her parents did their best to spoil all their children, despite having very little money during the 1930s and 1940s. They would NEVER have missed a birthday or Christmas celebration even if there was no eggs or sugar available to bake a cake at the time!

But this is a woman who was happy to leave her actual children with other people - sometimes foisting them onto school friends, or indeed being happy to leave them to be alone - because she "didn't like Christmas".

Why on earth wouldn't her children now take her at her word?

She sounds like she was quite a self-centred and transactional parent and there wasn't a great deal of love or affection on offer when her children were small. As a result, they don't have strong bonds with her now. That's the way it goes.