Boyfriend wants to take my friend out on a date

[MayNov]

So, trying to keep this one short. My friend from out of town is coming to stay with me for a few days. My boyfriend has met her and gone out with us the last time she was in town. My boyfriend has taken a couple of days off work to go out with us.

I've mentioned I was going to do a gym&swim on one of the days she's here (I can spend up to 4 hours gymming & swimming) and my boyfriend said he'll ask my friend whether she wants to go on a long walk and for a lunch at the local pub with him. I said that would make me feel uncomfortable, he said he doesn't see any reason why this would make me feel uncomfortable.

Aibu to insist this would make anyone feel uncomfortable?

This!!!

My DP gets on really well with some of my friends and has known them for years and he wouldn't use his annual leave to spend time with them if they were visiting! In fact, he'd probably make himself even more scarce / stay in work longer so we could spend quality time together without him around! We might arrange one night where we all have a meal / a few drinks together so he could have a chat and catch up with her but that's about it...

I would be extremely concerned if I was the OP.

Given all the backstory I think he’s weird. Not necessarily a “date” but he’s overly familiar. What if she doesn’t want to go with him but feels she must say yes to the invitation?

I would not like that at all.
You should ask her if he's been in touch at all.

I think that’s fine, why are you objecting, do you not trust him? And her? Why can’t they spend tjr time together if you need to go to the gym?

Hmmm, I'd find that weird and claustrophobic that a boyfriend of a few months takes it on himself to take a few days off when my friend was coming to see me, not him! I'd be saying 'errr, sorry, its a girly weekend; we can catch up when she's gone home or you're welcome to join us for dinner one night'. It really is a bit weird. I'm with you OP.

It might be that he’s so infatuated with OP that he’s desperate to impress her friends. So he’s being a bit ott by taking time off work for her stay, and looking after her for the few hours etc.

It might be that he fancies the friend.

OP, you’ll have an instinct as to which it is.

She said she expected her friend would go with her.

Totally agree with this!

So which one do you not trust?

Your mate is coming to visit for a few days, you might be in the gym for four hours. If they want to shag, they can do that at home.

You're being rude for leaving her so long. You're being unreasonable to assume they can't be trusted and if I was DP I'd be questioning the future of the relationship.

He's offering to do a nice thing so you don't have to change your hobbies.

It's really weird that people think a grown adult needs entertaining for four hours. She doesn't need to be saved from being alone for a short while. She can perfectly easily entertain herself for that long.

I think your boyfriend has probably got the hots for your friend.

"Aibu to insist this would make anyone feel uncomfortable?"

Anyone is irrelevant. It makes you feel uncomfortable. Your response does not need to be socialised more widely in order to be valid. Your bf should be listening to you, not arguing about it.

Then make sure you remind her to bring her swimming stuff.

OP - what would you think if someone posted ‘My DH stayed up with my friend until 2-3am drinking and chatting after I’d gone to bed. She’s coming to visit again and DH has taken 2 days of annual leave so he can see her and has offered to take he out for a walk and a pub lunch while I’m at hydrotherapy for the morning ...’ ?

👏

Op you need to dump your bf.

You clearly don't trust him. Let him go and find one you do trust.

Why does it make you feel uncomfortable? So you think he is interested in her other than as a friend. Don't you trust him or her? I would only feel uncomfortable in those circumstances.

Comment deleted. Hadn’t seen the bit about the back pain.

Oh my word, people are so weird.

I think if your friend regularly visits and usually come to the gym or uses the time to do something by herself, then a polite, "oh, that's kind but I think she'll be fine without needing specific entertaining". But overall, I think it's a perfectly normal thing to do - when we have friends visiting, it's entirely possible that one or other of us would entertain them individually due to logistics at some point.

Also, I regularly went to movies with my BFF's husband - she hates sci-fi, we both love it. Ditto, DH and the same BFF regularly used to go to a gym class together - I'd rather kill myself.

Medical reasons or not it doesn't need to take 4 hours.

Catch a grip. You sound extremely insecure.
If you don't trust your boyfriend dump him. If you don't trust your best friend then ditch her. But this sounds like a YOU problem.

Also NOT A DATE.

@Notmetoo They've only been together for 6 months and he's only met her friend once before!!! If I told my DP that a mate of mine who he's met once was coming to stay he would say "That's nice. I'll make myself scarce whilst you two catch up" and would probably use the opportunity to go and visit his parents / see his mates / go and sit upstairs watching rubbish on YouTube 😂He certainly wouldn't say "Oh wow! Well I'll use some of my precious annual leave to spend time with you both!" As I said in my last post, he wouldn't even do that if it was a good friend of mine who he knows well!

OP, your bf either fancies your friend, is jealous of your friendship or he's just a massive wet lettuce.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but maybe that's just me.

No, I wouldn't like that. Even if it's entirely innocently meant, to me it would feel like a judgement on your hosting that he's having to swoop in and save the day. It's only four hours and you were planning to invite her along. It seems odd to me that he wants to play host without you, but then neither DH nor I would enjoy or volunteer for that role. so it would be suspicious if we did. If he's always jumping at the chance to play host to or socialise with people he barely knows, maybe it's not so strange.

Bottom line: She's your friend, so he should accept without argument that you don't want him to do that. If he's insisting, that's a bigger problem than the initial suggestion.

He isn’t ’asking your friend on a date’ ffs. He’s making a kind offer to entertain her for a few hours while you’re busy. If she doesn’t want to go and she would rather just chill with a book or find something to do on her own instead, that would be totally reasonable. But him offering to go for a walk and get some lunch with her if she wants is perfectly fine. If I were her I’d say no because I’m shy and would prefer a bit of time to myself. But there’s nothing with him making the offer.

None of my friends would have any issue with this sort of suggestion from their partners. I sometimes work in another city very close to my friend’s boyfriend’s flat and she’s actually said “Oh, if ever you’re at a loose end and you don’t want another hotel dinner on your own, I know John would be more than happy to go and get some food with you, just let me know if you want his number.”

I absolutely cannot imagine why you would have a relationship with a man at all if you thought was a danger that he’d cheat on you with your friend while you were at the gym. And if it’s your friend you don’t trust, why are you friends with her? If you’re concerned something could happen between them, you must have a really low opinion of them.

I know there will be people who will say “You’re entitled to set boundaries” and yes, you are. But i don’t think your feelings on this are at all universal, and if I were either your boyfriend or your friend in this scenario, I would definitely be reconsidering my relationship/friendship if this was what you thought of me.

I don't understand why you refer to it as a "date". Do you think that a man and a woman together, alone, are, by definition, a date? It's such a small minded, rigid way of looking at the world.

I can't say if your boyfriend has designs on your friend. I'd like to think he does not. But if you are suspicious he might, then perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you anyway.