That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

1 Corinthians 11:14 'Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him.'

In my opinion, your child has picked up these stereotypes from his parents - i.e. you. You need to make sure that your little boy doesn't say blue for boys and pink for girls etc.
You need to educate yourselves and your children

But of course boys don’t “quite rightly” have short hair.

That is perpetuating gender stereotypes. Boys can have whatever length hair - long hair doesn’t make their penis disappear.

Surely it’s easy to just remind him that we are all different, we all like different things including colours and styles and that’s okay.

When my son was in nursery he thought a boy with long hair was a girl. When he referred to Aaron he always said she. When I realised he was talking about a boy I clarified with him that Aaron was a boy and he understood. We have never encouraged gender stereotypes but these happen sometimes when children see most girls have long hair and boys have short hair. If it was an honest mistake I’d clarify. If he’s continually calling him a girl to be unkind then I think it would need more of a conversation.

Thank you.

I thought I was losing my mind reading the previous comments but yours has reminded me that some normal people actually exist in this country

I've got a child that age, and another older one. Both of them were told when very little that people can have sorts of hairstyles and short doesn't mean boy and long doesn't mean girl. You've said quite rightly? So your attitude is clear. It's really easy to just repeat and reinforce that message. The same with clothes and colours. My youngest is a boy and does gravitate quite a lot to very typical 'boy' things but I just keep reminding him that there is no such thing as boys colours, or that only boys like diggers etc. Of course he does sometimes get muddled and he often interchanges she and he as he has a big sister and uses she more. I just gently remind him and eventually he will learn. Incidentally there is a boy with really beautiful long hair in my daughters class (age 8). No-one bats an eyelid, this little boy has always had long hair and they all just accept that because they've all been told from little that it is fine.

The nursery are not expecting you to give him a big row, they are quite rightly just asking that the message is reinforced at home that long hair can be for anyone.

So you came on mumsnet to ask AIBU. When the majority call out your reaction to your son’s behaviour you shout ‘oh for goodness sake” and ‘he is only three’.

Why did you ask the question?

I was called in by my nursery for this, I think my son was 3ish. I get what you’re saying about people accepting the inevitability of comments if you choose to have your kid look “different”, but that sort of underlines how important it is to challenge the absolute flannel kids are fed about blue for boys, pink for girls etc. I was taken aback by how wholeheartedly my son had taken on all that stuff and how I had unconsciously reinforced it.

Keeping it simple worked well for us. Literally “we don’t make comments about other people’s bodies”, “all colours are for everyone”, “boys and girls can have long hair or short hair, everyone can choose”.

Have a look at Sonshine magazine on Instagram- it’s ACE!

No wonder young men have such high suicide rates and so many boys are failing academically, if 3 year old boys are being told they're evil mysoginistic bullies for saying that girls have long hair.

Calm down everyone.

YABU your child is becoming a bully and you sound like you condone bullying by victim blaming

It's great you had the chat with your DS OP but tbh you sound like a bit of a prat so maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Oh fuck off. Boys and girls can have any length hair they like. Nothing "quite right" about your child's opinion. He might only be three but you are raising him to be a bully. You yourself are using him as a conduit to bully a small child because his parents don't have the same small minded attitude that you do.

LOL NO.

This. Your 3 year old will Learn quickly enough if you explain firmly and make it clear that it has to stop. If you get another incident, he has to face a consequence from you at home. You should not be tolerating this ‘ pink is for girls’ attitude. Where on earth has that come from?

I think it's one thing if your child assumed a boy was a girl, but another if he knows he's a boy and teases him for looking like a girl.

Ds had waist length hair. Granted he was older than nursery school age (maybe 5 or 6 years old) Playing in the park one day 2 boys came up to him to ask if he was a girl or a boy

They ran back to their mothers sitting on a bench and must have reported back that he was a boy.

Boys then ran back to ds and said that their mothers had said if he was a boy he should get his hair cut.
Ds’s reply which was shouted so as the mothers heard “Your mothers should get out more”

If anything I had friends complaining that their ds’s wanted to grow their hair long.

Ds was very confident in his image and would have put you and your ds in his place.

At nursery age I suggest this attitude is coming from the parents and what he is picking up these attitudes to people who don’t conform from those around him at home.

Ds ds is now a plumber. Is that manly enough. He still has long hair.

Not only are you being unreasonable, you are the problem! It’s basic manners for any age not to be mean.

Of course he will be a bully, haven’t you heard? Leopards don’t change their spots and all men are bastards; even the little ones. 🙄

Fair play, some people on here are absolutely viscous and ironically are the ones berating OPs extremely young child for being a bully. It’s okay if you’re on Mumsnet doing it though. I wonder what a lot of the people’s excuses are on this forum half the time because being three isn’t one of them. Well, maybe emotionally.

In your OP you say you don’t “encourage or discourage” your sons gendered thinking but later say:

“He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.”

So you clearly do encourage it. Your son has honestly never seen a boy or man with shoulder length hair before? All the little 3 year old girls in his class have long slowing locks? I know a tonne of 3/4 year old girls who still have pixie cut length hair because their hair just hasn’t grown in yet.

Your son is just reflecting the narrow minded views his parent has. I don't think he is the real problem here.

Sorry but this is appalling "DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc" - DS has that opinion because you have taught that, which is shocking. You need to seriously have an overhaul of how you discuss sex and gender in your family.

I think everyone in this scenario is being a bit unreasonable.

IME it's pretty normal for kids that age to be confused by who's a boy and who's a girl – they're just working out that there is a difference. I remember DS asking someone at a bus stop if they were a he or a she at about that age, and DD (who had very short hair when she was in reception - medical reasons) was constantly being called a boy by other children – even after her hair had grown back. I didn't think there was any bullying.

But equally you don't need to teach your kids to conform to gender stereotypes either. Good opportunity here for all the adults around to simply point out that boys can have long hair (and wear pink and all the rest of it) and girls can have short hair and wear blue. Your 5yo seems to understand this and your 3yo will too in time.

I don't really get why this has become such a thing - you seem to have had 'the conversation' already. Just keep reminding him if it comes up.

Nip this behaviour in the bud. Whilst you may feel it is harmless as they’re young and don’t ’know any better’ it is your responsibility to teach them to know better.

Today’s teasing kids are tomorrow’s bullies

Yes, it is reasonable for a child to make a mistake. And then when that happens it is reasonable for the other parent to talk to the nursery about it and for you to take responsibility for reinforcing the message that anyone can choose what length of hair they want to have.