That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

I know my child has the intelligence and tact to handle statistical observations, but yes, it definitely depends on your own child's capabilities ;)

Sounds like you are the problem passing it off as harmless. Start parenting rather than making excuses for bad behaviour.

Tell your ds to stop being mean. Tell him you are disappointed in him making another child feel bad repeatedly.

It's perfectly normal for some boys to have long hair and you should educate your ds about this.

I find it odd you say you believe in sex not gender. What you have posted is very gender oriented - boys have short hair, otherwise they should be expected to be called a girl.

I agree this attitude your DS has is coming from somewhere, OP, and it is unlikely to be from nursery. I have two daughters and 8 nieces and nephews who all went to different nurseries. None of them displayed this rigid type of thinking. It's very unusual for a child of that age to have rigid gender stereotypes. Kids that age usually like to emulate their mum which means little boys enjoying baby dolls and buggy's. All of my nephews had a baby doll and a buggy.

The two oldest children were girls and their younger cousins and siblings looked up to them and admired them which usually resulted in the boys dressing as princesses and asking for painted nails and glitter tattoos.

This attitude can only be coming from you and your family.

My two youngest nephews had long hair at one point. My youngest has only just had his cut. My sister has a girl. She doesn't want to dress him up as a doll. She believes in giving him autonomy over his appearance. He didn't want his hair cut until recently. He's 4.

The other one didn't cut his hair until he was 6/7. He wanted to have "rapunzel hair" like his best friend. Neither of the boys was bullied because of it. It's quite common now for little boys to have long hair/wear pink/play with dolls/play princess dress up etc. Times have changed from the days when archaic stereotypes were pushed onto children from birth.

Most people don’t actually give a shit what other people do with their hair.

Exactly this - some nay notice it, but even so it's a 9 day wonder.

There was a boy in my DD's class many years ago who had long golden curls because his mother loved his hair. I thought it was bliddy awful - not because it was a boy with long hair, but because he was ne of these really active children who didn't stay tiny for five minutes!

He would leave the house looking immaculate and groomed, and by the time he got to school (10 minute walk) had sort of "unravelled" and looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. By the end of the day his hair was a tangled mess and was all over his face - his mother admitted that he ran away from the hairbrush, it was so uncomfortable to have it brushed out! I'm sure the same or similar happens to many girls, but personally, I'd encourage a child of either sex with that sort of hair to have it short - or at least short-ish, no longer than shoulder length. Some hair types are just harder to manage than others.

When he started secondary school he cut it off himself.

Edited to add - At primary school none of the other children took any notice of it, and it was never mentioned except for an occasional "X got his hair caught on the climbing frame" sort of thing.

Yes we are very matter of fact that boys have willies, girls have vaginas. His sister is a boy and his brother is a girl and the dog is a boy etc. I reinforce these things and I have never once said "only boys wear blue" or "only girls have long hair"

He is 3 and I reinforce things within reason but I also believe in letting kids be kids and I don't want to engage in conversations beyond the basics at this stage. He is a very young 3, he is actually almost 4 but not as emotionally mature as his older brother was at this stage.

His sister is a boy and his brother is a girl

Do you need to edit this? 🤔

As I have previously stated my older DS does not day these things, he chooses things based on what he likes, states his favourite colour is the rainbow and likes unicorns and dinosaurs alike.

Younger DS also quite enjoys playing with babies and prams at nursery but does lean mostly towards cars, Spider-Man, superhero's etc, which I don't think there's anything wrong with, he likes what he likes.

letting kids be kids and I don't want to engage in conversations beyond the basics at this stage. – is a convo about long vs short hair like the Birds and the Bees talk to you? Are you from the 1800s? 😂

Although everyone is saying boys can have long hair etc, societal norms are generally (not exclusively) still pretty stereotypical for young children .
Girls are easily recognised being female by longer hair and also how they dress, boys by their shorter hair and also how they dress. This is reinforced in images/adverts/TV programmes etc
Adults still get mixed up at times so it's notbunreasonable for your son to be confused by this.

Now 'calling' him a girl. You said there was an incident yesterday and parents have come into school. What you don't make clear is has your son been doing this regularly or was yesterday the first time its happened? And that makes a big difference.
If its the first, your son made an error, unintentionally upset his peer, its has been noted, you talk with your son, he learns from his mistake and has better understanding. END.
If its the latter, and he has been told previously, you have a bigger issue and you are BVVU. As parents we have to give our child knowledge and understanding and teach them what behaviour is socially acceptable and what is not.
Either way the school were right to bring it to your awareness.

@Emotionalsupportviper

Yes clearly a typo, I'm not sure how to edit on the app

Oh for god sake, I'm clearly not talking about long hair vs short hair here. Give me a break

No worries - I wasn't being snarky.

I think the difference here is that it is quite normal for a child to mistake another child for a girl if they have long hair. What isn’t right is for a child to deliberately call a child a girl whist knowing they are a boy FOR having long hair.

But I genuinely feel you're the one turning it into something else, in order to justify being offended at having been asked to speak to your child. You could simply talk about short vs long hair to him, end of story.

🤣

You're the one claiming bullying and "perfect parents" etc because you've been told you are unreasonable

Calm down a bit

@mrsfinch6 You say..I reinforce these things and I have never once said "only boys wear blue" or "only girls have long hair
So why.did you say earlier that "He rightly( which you then changed to understandably) assumed a child with long hair was a girl? Why have you got so defensive if this is true?

@wowokay Please don't use "Karen" as a slur. It's nor very nice for women and girls named Karen to have their name used as an insult.

OP you obviously agree with his views (based on your posts) so it's clear where he's got these views from.

What's his father like?

OP your question really was are you unreasonable to essentially think the other parent was ridiculous to mention it to the nursery.

All this going off on a tangent about gender/long/short hair/is my 3 year old a bully is irrelevant - any parent has the right to mention to nursery/school if their child has been upset by something. Even if we think it's a bit over the top, even if it's not something we would find offensive.

As I said before, we don't get to decide what someone is upset by.

OP your posts suggest you think this is too complex a subject to broach with a 3yo. It's really not.

"No, sweetheart, there is no such thing as boy's hairstyles and girl's hairstyles. Girls can have short hair and boys can have long hair."

Job done.

Problem is op thinks there is gender related with hairstyles

Yeah, I'm really not understanding that particularly when uber-masculine, "bad boy", alpha male etc... type men frequently have long hair.

bikers, Vikings, pirates, wrestlers...

More recently footballers often have long hair, as do male superheroes and supervillains.

So did he mistook the student for a girlfriend due to logn hair or was he repeatedly calling him girl teasing him for having a long hair?