That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

😂God lord the child is 3 years old.
Strangely on here 3 year olds should be taught about the worlds main religions but at 16 shouldn't be allowed to stay at home alone overnight because they are to young to understand the dangers of not locking the front door.

YABU.

It's totally fine to mistake someone for the wrong sex/gender. Your son is 3, and of course he is just learning about the world! My own son gets mistaken for a girl all the time because of his massive eyes and thick hair (short, but he is only 15 months).

What's not ok is to think that you don't need to teach your son that boys and girls can like a whole spectrum of things. That hair length doesn't define gender. That once you know someone is a boy, you don't tease them for having long hair or liking pink. You also use the correct gender for them once you know it.

I understand that you have now addressed it with your son. But if your attitude towards this in real life is similar to how it is on this thread, there is a real risk you will allow your son to bully children as he gets older. You would also be teaching him to victim-blame (boys "quite tightly" have short hair and those with long hair should expect comments).

From what I've read in your posts it was a passing comment and not a repeated incident. You've spoken to him about it, so that's the best you can do. If it keeps happening then you're aware of it and can act on it then.

FWIW, I was about 8 when I realised that not all men have short hair and women have long hair. I bought a Eurythmics album, and it was only then that I realised that Annie Lennox (short hair) was a woman and Dave Stewart (long hair) was a man.

They don't want any restrictions placed on people because of their sex but they, like me, want women's safe spaces - toilets, prison, single-sex sport, men not being allowed to care for non-related children, no teasing of women (the more a man likes a man the more he rips it out of him), prohibitions on men touching women in the work place which wouldn't apply to women touching women and prohibitions on men making personal comments about women in the work place that wouldn't apply to women commenting on women - largely because of the power imbalance, expecting men to cross the road if they are close to a woman in a deserted area etc, etc, etc.

Are you seriously pretending that a long haircut is the same as joining the opposite sex sports team?

Some of the prohibitions on women under patriarchy look like "don't go running at night, in fact just don't go running at all", "don't smile at a man in case it's interpreted as flirting", "don't get drunk", "don't wear a short dress" because apparently if we wear burkas men think that we've left our vaginas at home, and "don't let a male police officer arrest you" from Cressida Dick after Wayne Couzins abducted, raped, and murdered Sarah Everard.

You are moaning that you can't tell a female colleague that she looks nice today because you might get told off. Meanwhile, if you tell me that, I'm evaluating that comment and everything else you've ever said and done to try to determine whether you have a crush on me and how best to end it without you turning hostile and at best making my working life a misery, at worst killing me. When men become obsessed with women, they sometimes kill the woman.

Tell your male colleague that he looks smart, that his new haircut suits him or his shirt is nice. Hug your male colleagues, or at least touch their shoulders and shake their hands. Men need to support each other's mental health. I'm too scared to help the men I work with in case I get put in the girlfriend zone.

That there are people wandering around with such mind-bogglingly flawed thinking literally beggars belief.

Kudos to those who've tried to unpick this and show this poster the illogicality of their thinking.

Why is it quite right that your son thinks boys have short hair and girls have long?

My son had long blonde curls until he was 13. His choice. When people called him a girl, he used to correct them. Then he stopped. I asked him why, and he said 'because there's nothing wrong with being a girl.'

Clearly the other boy in nursery was upset enough to tell his parents. The fact that your son is upsetting another should be an issue to you. I'm surprised a 3 year old cares enough to keep repeating it, maybe more tolerance of those who are different needs to be taught?

@ReadytoFly i cant even try anymore becuse it’s just baffling my brain how someone can come to these conclusions

You've clearly taught your child that boys don't have long hair.

I have a DS with long hair. He doesn't get called a girl because the kids haven't been taught its an issue, and no, I wouldn't expect it.

Quite remarkable the irony of some of the replies you’re getting OP! The subject is lost in the rush by some posters to smack your wrists and to fluff up their own self righteousness in hectoring and strident tones of shock and outrage.
Maybe the parents of the other little lad need to help him out too. Is his long hair his choice, does he have sensory problems that mean he hates his hair cut? Or is he an outlet for his parents’ opinion that gender norms don’t need any conformity from them?
Whatever, but IRL kids do notice difference and will point it out in quite “rude” ways. Little lad with the long hair will be getting his difference pointed out on a regular basis as he gets older I’m afraid, whatever the well meaning adults in his life try to do to protect him.

There's a difference between getting it wrong and teasing. If your DC is genuinely getting it wrong and confusing a boy for a girl that's okay. It happens. Id just correct DC. If it's being done on purpose and he's teasing, then I'd correct DC and give him a consequence. DC needs to understand that talking about someone's appearance is not kind.

Where have I been abusive towards you? Maybe I can't see it because I left my glasses in my other flowery handbag.

Do you consider why your female colleagues are uncomfortable with physical contact from the men in your workplace?

Why is it quite right that your son thinks boys have short hair and girls have long?

Maybe because that's all he's seen. My ds would also have thought the same given that almost every single female I know has long hair and male short hair. Why on earth would that cross my mind to go pointing that out to my son, out of all the million things that go on in daily life?

It all depends if he is calling him a girl to tease him or if he is genuinely “confused”

how confusing is it anyway , really, for a male to have long hair ?! 😂😂😂

Yes and it's up to the adults to point out when the children are being wrong and it's up to adults to bring children up not tie harp on about differences but to accept that all sorts of people are different in many ways

Mine didn’t get their differences ie long hair, pink tops, patent orange shoes, dressing up in princess outfits etc etc etc pointed out ever. !
Other posters have said the same.
If you read back.

The problem here isn't your 3 year old, the problem here is you. The entire premise of your post, and comments after, is that it's ok for your son to comment, that children who are different should expect to be picked on/commented on/talked about, that it's right for boys to have short hair.

It's YOUR backwards thinking which has caused this problem and the fact you're doubling down now with your faux surprise that people are not ok with your regressive beliefs or believing that you're suddenly teaching him right when every comment you've made has implied otherwise is making people respond the way they are.

Look at yourself before you cause further damage to your children and those around you.

”Little lad with the long hair will be getting his difference pointed out on a regular basis as he gets older I’m afraid, whatever the well meaning adults in his life try to do to protect him.”

Sadly you are probably right, @Fidelius - but we can work towards a world where people are accepting of other people’s differences, and where it is not only OK, but utterly unremarkable for a boy to have long hair, wear make up etc - and that begins with challenging attitudes like the OP’s, that ‘boys have short hair, girls have long hair’ - as if that is some law of nature, and with parents teaching their children that it is unacceptable to tease others for their looks/choices.

well said.!

What is cruel of theparents? Not giving their very young son a short back and sides?

When having the conversation that boys can have long hair and girls can have short hair, also mention some boys have long hair for religious reasons - not that boys need a reason to wear it long, of course.

Don't be daft. If child A is teasing/bullying child B on their appearance, speech etc then child A is squarely in the wrong and at this age has likely learned it from their parents/carers.

At this age A's parents need to tell A that teasing other children about their appearance is wrong. Its that simple. The answer is not for child B to have their hair cut to conform to the bizarrely bigoted views being repeated by child A. Nor is there any need at all to have debates about why a three year old has long hair - its just mealy mouthed excuses for bullying.

On what planet do you live that adult men are routinely teased/bullied for having long hair?

So you keep doing this thing where you talk about problematic behaviour and how we need to stop that happening, which makes sense

And then you say things like reception age boys should have their hair short as if the two things are in any way links

Please can you show the statistics which show that if boys have their hair long when they are young that they don't respect single sex spaces?

I would have thought teaching reception age boys that boys use the boys toilets and girls use the girls toilets and they each aren't allowed in each other spaces would be a far more useful lesson than boys must have short hair

Do girls also have to have long hair? Do we have to let "girls be girls" what does that even look like?

YABU

Teach your child manners.

Also teach your child that clothes and personal appearance don't alter what's innate.

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc”

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.

That "quite rightly" is a hell of a give-away. Despite your protestations, it's easy to see where your son gets these ideas from.

Yabu - absolutely your 'quite rightly' gives away your views.

No wonder your poor dc have such views. You don't show any concern for the little boy being teased, you just seem pissed off that you have to teach your dc manners!