That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

But the problems isn't limited to TRAs. That is a small problem that has become a large problem because we have blurred the distinctions between the sexes. TRAs have been able to exploit (some of them with much love in their hearts and the best of intentions) a world that for too long said there was no distinction between sexes.

But why should young boys respect single sex spaces if boys and girls are treated the same? But more to the point how do you get them to respect single sex spaces if boys and girls are treated the same. Let them know they are different and that different things will be expected of them.

Of course when a teenage boy wants to rebel let him grow his hair as long as he wants, but when he is in reception cut it short.

You are being very unreasonable
Sex not gender is fine...if you are male you are a man or boy regardless of how you dress or how long your hair is

By not actively correcting your son you are reinforcing gender roles and gender norms and basically saying thus child is a transpire because he has longhair....that's NOT "sex not gender" it's the opposite.

Only in your male fantasy land does a boy having long hair apply the same risk as men being 'allowed' to touch a woman without her consent.

I would guess you are the type of man who has been known to utter "ffs, a man isn't even allowed to speak to a woman these days"

Of course he's doing it in a teasing way, despite being aware the child is a boy.
That's why the OP is ignoring these questions

I say let boys know they are boys.

The boy does know he's a boy FFS, it's the OP who is repeatedly insinuating that he must be a girl because he has short hair.

Do you even know what point you're trying to make?

I have four children one is currently 3 years old and knows that behaviour is horrible! Stop trying to justify it YABU and you sound awful

@Dantedisciple ‘boys need to know they are boys and one way is through haircuts’

What has the way you style or cut your hair got to do with sex? At all? It’s hair. It’s fucking hair. Everyone’s hair grows. Making boys have short hair, what do you think that is going to do to them? It’s not going to change who they are or how they feel. It not going to make them more or less male.

He's not a bully and I'm sorry you were made to feel like he had been unkind- if it was just once or twice then it's a simple case of 'Peter has lovely long hair, anyone can have any length hair they like'. What has stood out to me in your OP and following replies is that, actually, you thought that everyone would tell you how ridiculous the nursery was being and you seem very defensive that people haven't agreed with you. You refer to your other son as having a 'penchant' for pink and unicorns which makes it sound as if it's an anomaly or novelty which it shouldn't be. I think you should let your guard down and take on board the general tone of everyone that has replied in here. This is a learning experience for you as a Mum, they're uncomfortable but important.

For someone who states they believe in sex not gender, why do you rely on gender stereotyping to put across your view?

I think unwittingly you are teaching gender stereotyping to your child stating

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair

All that remark does is reinforce the gender stereotyping roles.
So then telling your ds that boys can have long hair is just confusing andhe knows you don’t mean it..

Even your thread title is all about gender stereotyping

You mention about children passing comment 3 times

That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment

FWIW Ds had waist length hair when he was in nursery and then on school.

Not one child who he went to nursery or school with ever mistook him for a girl.
It was always the adults we met outside of nursery/school/ECAs who seemed to have a problem with ds’s hair and by default their children followed suit.

If your male child has shoulder length hair he should probably get used to people thinking he's a girl.
Poor kid.
My mum cut my hair very short once when I was about 5. I was mistaken for a boy and was horrified and heartbroken

You've also saud that he "quite rightly" think long haircus for girls and short hair for boys. Which one OP?

Are you seriously comparing a haircut to a man entering a women's changing room?

It is important is that we teach each child bodily autonomy. Inherent to that is that each child gets to decide how they dress and style their hair and has no say in how other people dress and wear their hair. That each child's body belongs to them and that girl-only and boy-only spaces exist to help them keep their body theirs.

This "x is for boys and girls can't have it" nonsense is part of what drives gender identity nonsense. If a girl wants to play with mechano but she's told that that's only for boys, she can only comply by going without or by claiming to be a boy. Same for a boy who wants long hair.

The boys' loos are for boys. The girls' loos are for girls. Toys are for children. Clothes are for children. Haircuts are for children.

What do you mean by "quite rightly"?

Sorry, I am confused. I thought sex was determined by chromosones not hair length?

I've had short hair before and I'm pretty sure I didn't grow a penis after it was cut.

You haven't even scratched the surface of understanding what I was saying.

I did not say or imply that a boy having long hair applies the same risk as men being allowed to touch a woman without her consent. Not least because what you have written doesn't even make sense.

Put away your uncalled for abuse and do me the courtesy of reading what I actually wrote.

Of course I don't think men should be allowed to touch women without consent. But life is more nuanced than that. Most women I work with hug each other in informal work situations but many of them don't want to be hugged by male colleagues in the same informal situations. I think they should be allowed that autonomy although they are probably guilty of sex discrimination in the work place. I support them.

I think there are important differences between men and women and society needs to impose restrictions on men for the safeguarding of women. For that to happen boys need to know they are boys and one way is through haircuts

If a boy only knows they are a boy by the length of their hair then I think that boy isn’t actually a boy

But why should young boys respect single sex spaces if boys and girls are treated the same? But more to the point how do you get them to respect single sex spaces if boys and girls are treated the same. Let them know they are different and that different things will be expected of them.

An age-appropriate chat about biology would "let them know that they are different" in about five minutes. I was at nursery when I first discovered that "daddy has a pipe between his legs" (my words at the time) and that he peed standing up because of this.

Just explain to him that people come in all shapes and sizes. Some are big, small, black, white, hairy, bald. Girls can have short hair, boys can have long.

Yea it shouldn’t be a massive shock if your long haired child gets called a girl, or your short haired girl is called a boy but if your child’s doing the name calling it’s best to have that chat with them.

@Dantedisciple

Equating being able to choose who hugs you with sex discrimination is, quite frankly, creepy and/or moronic.

Just wait till your children start school. The hyper-vigilant social monitoring just ramps up.
Your child is 3, they say comments that might be viewed as not socially acceptable by adults. They have very little understanding of the adult world.
Teenagers too tend to resort to very overt comments about each others' appearance as they watch and compare each other during the passage to adulthood.
I always remember one of mine boldly pointing out the weight and body shape of a fellow shopper.

YABVU. Boys & men can wear their hair long. I used to always fancy the boys with long hair when I was a teenage. It seems we've gone backward if we are making this an issue.

Now that you know he's mis sexing this boy just tell him ffs.

I think you over-estimate the effectiveness of chats. Now that you understand you are a boy Florabunda, put on your pink coat, comb your long hair and go and play princesses with the rest of the girls - I know there are those funny girls wearing dinosaur shirts and playing football but you don't want to play with them you might get your nice, new clothes dirty.

When dd2 started nursery one one the teachers had a buzz cut, her name was miss Michaels. Cue loads of confusion when one day I referred to her as she, my 3 year old was adamant that this tA WAS a man!
Your child is 3, you've explained to him that this child is a boy I think it'll take a while for him to understand this if everything he sees about this boy looks girly to him.

Maybe one day he may call you fat and stupid, then you might have a glimmering of understanding.

Neither he, nor you, are right about hair length being related to sex (or gender)