That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

@mrsfinch6

"This is effectively what I have done and hopefully that's the end of the issue."

No one would have criticised you in any way if you had just said this. People have repeatedly asked why you said 'quite rightly' - if it's because you think it's somehow normal for sexes to have defined hair lengths and preferences, then it certainly won't be the end of the issue.

The comments here are more so shocked at your attitude towards all this, yea a 3 year old will get confused, if however he’s repeatedly calling that boy a girl and upsetting him then yes, he is bullying him! If it was only one single time then the staff would have dealt with it themselves & explained it to your son and corrected him, I highly doubt the parents or the staff would make this an issue if it was only one!! Just because you see your innocent little 3 year old doesn’t mean that’s what others see when you’re not around!! Your attitude towards it tells me your view on this is rubbing off on your kid, who knows, maybe he’s repeating what he hears at home!! Why would a 3 year old have it in his head that boys MUST have short hair? Kids aren’t born knowing these things, they’re taught them by adults!! And by your own admittance, you believe boys should have short hair. If a kid had a deformity or physical disability and your son had an opinion on it would you have the same attitude that the other parents are in the wrong for asking the staff to stop your child saying it to their kid? It’s never too early to teach your child not every child has to look the way you’ve taught him is the “norm” 👍🏼

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme

But if the other parent hasn't reported, you'd never have known and therefore couldn't have stressed the important of not teasing or passing comment. So the other parent has done you a favour

Also OP, I’ve just read your outraged comments regarding the responses on this thread.

I think you thought everyone would take your side. And you’re giving the excuse that your child is three.

Nobody here has perfect children, we have all experienced situations where our children see someone different and make comment on it.

The important thing to emphasise with your child is that no matter the length of someone’s hair, the colour of their hair/eyes/skin, how tall/short or able bodied they are. Everyone deserves respect no matter what way they look physically.

Teaching your child this early will massively benefit him so I don’t think it’s a bad thing this has been brought to your attention really.

Have nursery been correcting him or expecting him to know? This is a question which I couldn't see an answer too (sorry if I missed it). Also how long has it been going on for - 1 day, 1 week, 1 month. There is a big difference between a week of him getting confused and a month of him doing it either with our without correction.

3 years is still very young to understand and if he associates girls with long hair I wouldn't say it is his fault for not getting it right all the time. Esp. if he hasn't been exposed to anything outside of the 'norm' before.

A simple we don't tease based on anything conversation is perfectly adequate at that age. Sometimes I do think people / nursery / public expect children to understand far more than they can at young ages. It wouldn't have even been registered an 'incident' at our nursery. They would address it with correction and explore how people can be different through play activities.

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.

It is not “quite rightly” at all. I work in a primary school and we have girls with short hair and boys with long hair - no one seems to have trouble with it. My adult son has longer hair than I’d do (as did DH in his 20s). My boss (definitely female) has a short pixie cut which looks amazing. It is utter rubbish to continue to teach your child these ridiculous stereotypes.

I don't think many people are surprised or upset that your 3 year old mistook a boy for a girl OP. It happens. It's your attitude that people are objecting to. The nursery asked you to talk to your DS, which does suggest it went beyond needing a casual "Actually X is a boy" reply from the staff to resolve the issue. But they're not asking you to punish him, just to help him learn.
But your attitude seems to be "Well if you will let your boy have long hair what do you expect, that's your problem". And that's the thin end of the wedge. What else should we all conform to?

I don't blame your child for thinking that boys have short hair and girls have long hair. Society paints a very binary picture of what boys do/look like and what girls do/look like.
However, as a parent, it's your job to ensure he understands that it's absolutely fine for boys to have long hair and for girls to have short hair. Just as it's fine for boys to like dolls and glitter and for girls to like trucks and football.
And it is especially your job to tell him that it's not nice to tease someone for how they look and he must not do it.
I know he's three and sometimes with kids that age it can be like talking to a brick wall. But as a parent you have to try your hardest to raise kids who are respectful of others. YABVU.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

So you are happy with your child to have formed sexist ideas which you haven't challenged, and for them to impose them on other children.

Have a word with yourself.

Kids of that age don't have these ideas without them getting them from their parents.

YOU are the problem. Not your children.

Is this a wind up? “Quite rightly thinks boys have short hair and girls have long??” I think the 1940s are looking for you

*Where is he getting the message from do you know?

Honestly? I don't know*

I think the answer to this is a plain as day

Indeed, it illustrates the point that the OP is the centre of the problem and is teaching her children to be sexist and that its ok to be sexist.

Its not about the child. Its about the parents. Its always about the parents.

You have completely missed the point. Of course no one has said a three year old was wrong for making the initial assumption. Its the OP doubling down and refusing to correct her child to stop them CONTINUING to call the other child a girl.

I’ve read all of your posts OP and I don’t think the issue is that your 3 year old child called a boy with long hair, a girl. Your attitude is the problem.

You’ve basically said that the parents should expect their child to be called a girl by other children simply because he has long hair. And that they’re extreme for reporting it to the nursery. I think your view is actually incredible and the fact that you’re here defending that view is even more incredible

I always wondered what the hardest thing about working in a nursery would be, and now I know it absolutely is the parents.

Well of course you don't believe they should be here. At least your "othering" is widespread 🙄

If you believe in sex not gender, what part of having a penis do you believe is related to hair length??
You aren't being gender critical here, you just have old fashioned stereotypes about how girls and boys should be. And you're passing them down to your children.
And yes, my son has long hair. He likes it like that. He doesn't think he's a girl, he doesn't want to be a girl, he's a boy who doesn't want to cut his hair and I respect that. I find it sad that so many people have issues with such an unimportant detail of his appearance.

YABU.

Just very very very YABVVVVVVU

It's really, really, really not okay for your son to do that and to think like that.

You are the parent. Sort it out.

Your kid is 3!!!!! He is learning. His world is still small and in his world, boys have short hair and play football, and girls have longer hair and wear pink. He got it wrong, has been corrected and that should be the end of it. He is not a nasty bully. He is a toddler!!!!

I’m with you OP. 3 year olds are trying to work out who is a girl/woman and who is a man/boy and these use external appearances to do that. It is a perfectly normal developmental stage (as mentioned in child development text books). I think you’ve handled it well.

@mrsfinch6

you seem very entrenched in gender stereotypes Op. you do realise that not all girls and women don’t have long hair and that not all boys and men have short hair don’t you? And that that is ok? They and their sex and gender are not any lesser for it.

oh and what with your “ “ around the term child free ? Do you not agree with that either?

@mrsfinch6

So are you actually going to clarify what kind of comments your child was "passing comment" with?

" I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh"

I agree it's the parenting that seems to be the issue.

@mrsfinch6

sorry I mean

oh and what is with your “ “ around the term child free ? Do you not agree with that either?