That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

Eh?! My dd has a pixie cut and I've never come across this attitude! It really suits her and we've often received compliments!

Oh dear. I think it's more a case of what on earth is wrong with you?

Name-calling is not acceptable. The term snowflakes is not acceptable either.

You are one of those awful parents who no doubt allows their children to name call and be unkind because, if the other children don't like it, it's their own fault for being "snowflakes."

The worst kind of victim blaming. Hope your children aren't in school with mine.

This can't be serious. If my child was coming home upset because another child was repeatedly calling him a girl I'd also have a word with nursery. The child is four, it's hardly "snowflake" behaviour to be upset by repeatedly being called a girl.

If my child was doing this I'd want to know, not to tell him off but so that I could correct him. How would I know that my child had this incorrect assumption if no one told me? Weird that you wouldn't want to know.

My son’s 3 nearly 4. He’s always had long hair at some points longer than his shoulders…. He’s never had a comment made by a child, adults sometimes mistake and he has no problem in correcting them ‘ no I’m not im a boy’ he says. I would say 3-4 years old is a bit young for them to take judgement for this . If he assumed and said her instead of him fair enough but to know he’s a boy and pretty much tease this other boy.. well I would be having a talk with my son about this

If you believe in sex not gender, surely you have even less reason to defend calling a male child with long hair a girl?

Just tell your son that Charlie is a boy and that some boys have long hair and girls can have short hair. Simple and easy . There was no "incident" and your son is not a bully.

1. passing negative comments about others appearances I’d bad manners, so should be part of his teaching from you anyway.
2. anyone can wear their hair however they please.
3. no chance that these could be mistaken for girls! Help your son understand that it’s nonsense

YABU Your child is upsetting another so you as a parent need to explain to him girls and boys can have long hair. You say you’ve already spoke to him but it’s still happening so you need to be firmer you can’t allow him to carry on upsetting another child. The parents aren’t over reacting by reporting it to the nursery if anything that should tell you how much it’s bothering the other child

YABU. Sounds like what you're teaching your kid is that sex equals gender. In case you're also tempted to call yourself gender critical - you quite obviously aren't, you're gender conservative. What the fuck is wrong with long hair in boys, or short hair in girls?!

@mrsfinch6

Oh dear OP this has been quite the pile on hasn't it? You haven't helped yourself with your attitude though tbh.

YABU though and you DO need to tell your son to stop calling other children names. Teasing a boy by calling him a little girl continually is tantamount to bullying, and yes a 3 year old CAN be a bully.

Boys and girls can do what they like. Boys can have long hair and girls can play footie! I know shocking right!

You do sound narrow-minded. I imagine you think that child free people shouldn't be on MN!

I don’t think it’s extreme.

The little boy can have his hair whatever way. Your son decided to call him a girl, he says no, I’m a boy and I like my hair.

That should have been the end of it but your son continued to tease/bully him about it.

The mother was right to alert the nursery and you because it is unfair on both children for the situation to carry on - your child needs to learn tolerance and respect for others even if they are different to him, and the other little boy is entitled to go to nursery without being teased and bullied regarding his appearance.

@ScierraDoll - my mum used the 'sticks and stones' line on me, when I was crying to her about being verbally bullied at school (nasty name calling). She made me feel that it was my own fault that I couldn't cope with the bullying, and that it was my fault that it carried on, because I hadn't ignored it enough.

The bullying went on from when I was a pre-teen, until I moved to Sixth Form college at 16, and it has left me with life long issues - low self esteem, anxiety and depression, for which I am on permanent medication. The scars from the bullying will never go away.

It is ignorant in the extreme to claim that words cannot hurt - I am here to tell you that words can do immense damage. I just hope that you are more sympathetic if someone you love tells you they are being verbally bullied.

You could take this attitude for anything, if your child has ginger hair should you expect them to be picked on? If your child has glasses should you expect them to be picked on.
Also to a small child continually having one of your physical features commented on will feel like being picked on.
You need to teach your child not to do this.

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.

Quite rightly? This is why your thee year old is making judgments based on gender stereotypes - it’s coming from you.

Do you realise that you are putting your own stereotypes on your child (this is shown by your "quite rightly" statement) loads of men and boys have long hair and girls and women have short hair. (does he call all people with short hair men/boys?) I am not surprised that the nursery has raised your son's behaviour with you.

my 4yo (just turned 4) regularly gets mixed up with girls and boys! nothing to do with us pushing sex stereotypes at home either, from the beginning we bought a mix of 'girls' and 'boys' toys but both of them vastly prefer the 'boys' toys (both boys). there's obviously a difference between repeated calling the boy a girl in an unkind and teasing way or just making a mistake even if it is a repeated mistake.

@crumpet to be fair, those are all grown men. It IS easy for a little boy with long hair to be mistaken for a girl - similarly a little girl with short hair could easily be mistaken for a boy. I mean pre-puberty, like under 11.

Still, the OP's son should NOT keep saying this boy looks like a girl, when he knows he is NOT a girl!

YABU.

You need to say to your DS anyone can have short hair, anyone can have long hair, and it is rude (not nice) to tell people things about their bodies.

OP, you must be so embarrassed!

My Grandson has long hair.. I'd be fuming..
We taught him you can have your hair however you want it.. you can wear any clothes you want ..he gets quite vocal in stores where there are girl and boys section ... he used to love wearing leggings with his tops..
He's nine now.. still has long hair.. his clothes situation has changed but not his mind.
I went to school in the 70s when all the boys had long hair .
Honestly you need to have " THAT CHAT" with him.

Can't see why you posted OP unless it was to deliberately create froth. You clearly think YANBU.

Also when kids first learn about the sexes, they do base it on stereotypes then as they get older they learn that its biological and then can understand that boys can have long hair etc.

Thank you.

This is effectively what I have done and hopefully that's the end of the issue.

I still stand by my original statement that if a 4 year old child has shoulder length, curly blonde hair then it is to be expected that other children in that age group will pass comment.

Why bother posting then, since you're clearly not interested in anyone's opinion 🙄

Hahaha yes you assume correctly. I don't think "child free" people should be on MN but that's not the issue being discussed here.