That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

No it's absolutely not acceptable for your son to call this little boy a girl because he has long hair. You need to talk to him about being unkind and nip it in the bud. Also use it as an opportunity to challenge the idea of gender stereotyping such as blue is for boys etc or that there are boy toys and girl toys!

Very unreasonable.
DS had wavy hair ( not short) and large eyes as a young child
Old ladies would spitefully say “ Is that a girl or a boy? You can’t tell these days “

Children never mixed him up.
He’s an adult now.

And what if the child had a lisp, or was chubby, or had a limb missing, or ... whatever. Absolutely not OK to repeat the same thing, even though the child knows the truth.

"Quite rightly"?

It's clear where he gets it from then

He is wrong to think girls should have long hair and boys short hair - in many cultures it's quite normal for boys to have long hair. You need to teach your son that anyone can have long or short hair. And also teach him not to be unkind to his peers.

You're being a dick. There was a boy at my child's school with long hair (part cheroke), my daughter teased him a bit and told me he looks like a girl. I told her, "he is a boy with long hair and that's fine." She stopped being silly about it. All you have to do is have a nice chat with your son. Explain that he is a boy with long hair, and that it's absolutely fine.

I think OP you need to be understand why people are getting frustrated. Most people understand that you son may have made the comment. It's your casual attitude that is the problem. The way you start by blaming the parent of the child with long hair. your insistence that your child has pretty strong views on these issues. Your outrage that anyone might say anything to you. The implication that it's no big deal that your son insisted repeatedly that this boy was a girl to the point that the other child was upset.

THAT is the issue. Not the fact that a 3 year old may or may not have made a mistake in calling a boy a girl.

This.

Your insistence that 'boys will be boys' and that kids are mean, is to turn a blind eye to the fact that arsehole kids, are a minority.

My son has never once conjured up a nasty comment based on somebody's appearance. Enquired loudly and publically about things that people might rather not want pointed out? Sure. But that isn't what you describe in your OP.

But there is a certain type of child that is able to sneer at other children from when they learn speak, and their parents are always infuriatingly blind to it.

Are you saying that your 3 year old genuinely thinks this person is a girl just because of their hair??

I suspect you are being disingenuous.

Your 3 year old knows full well this child is a boy. But he is relentlessly teasing him because he does not conform to the gender stereotypes that you have taught him.

Your reaction doesn’t surprise me at all.

My son had the most gorgeous blonde ringlets down to his shoulders until he was around 5 and wanted short hair because “he was a big boy now”. Not once was he ever confused for a girl or teased because of his hair.

You're saying you can't believe the comments. Doesn't a little part of you see that maybe you're in the wrong and you need to teach your child better about kind words? The teacher is telling you, the Internet is telling you. You are THAT parent.

It's not a big deal, just correct your child.

My 10yo is a long haired boy, he's sometimes mistaken for a girl and just politely corrects the person. No problem.
He has a 10yo girl friend with short hair who also gets mistaken for a boy the first time she meets someone - again, no drama.

@mrsfinch6 No one is going as far as to say you should 'tattoo a swastika on his head'. You do however seem to be missing the point that YOU need to take responsibility for his views.

YABU. Teach your child that people can wear what they like.

While you're at it teach them not to make comments about how other people look.

You should be doing this already.

YABU. It's one thing if your son is genuinely mistaking this child for a girl and calling him she. It's another if he knows perfectly well the child is a boy but is saying things like he must be a girl for having long hair. It's the difference between making a genuine mistake and being deliberately unkind, so it really depends which it is in your son's case. If it's the second and you've spoken to him about it at home, made it clear to him that the child is a boy and explained clearly that the boy is upset by your son calling him a girl, so he mustn't do it, and he then continues, he needs some consequences at home. It isn't extreme for the other parents to have contacted nursery about it - their son has the right to attend without putting up with people calling him a girl for his appearance. Why did you ask if you were so sure your were right?

Wow

You're raising your children to believe in and conform to gender stereotypes

Yet you apparently don't believe in gender

How ironic

It depends why he's doing it OP? Is he genuinely confused? Or does he KNOW the child is a boy and he's calling him a girl to tease him?

From your replies, about reiterating to him not to tease people, it sounds like he knows he's a boy but is calling him a girl, so yes, you are VU to say that children should be able to 'pass comment' on other children's differences in this way, if he was 'passing comment' on someone's skin colour or disability just because they are different to the norm, would you still think it was reasonable?

If it's an innocent mistake or curiosity about peoples differences that's fine, but any sort of teasing that is making other kids uncomfortable should be dealt with at nursery AND at home.

OMG - so girls can't have short hair? Stop bringing your children up with the most old fashioned, judgemental expectations of girls v boys for a start.

Time warp to 1950.

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.

It’s obviously fine for your DS to make a mistake, and to have strange ideas about the world. Small children do, before they are educated. And very possibly the other parents have over-reacted, unless your DS is actually taunting their DS or persistently contradicting him.

However what’s… odd is your “quite rightly” above. Do you really believe that boys should have short hair and girls should have long hair? If so, that’s quite bizarre. Or did you mean “understandably”, because of all the children within his experience?

At the age of three he has learned the bulk of his prejudices in the home. As evidenced by your "quite rightly".

I'm sure you know this. I'd report a child that was teasing or bullying mine at this age whatever the reason. I would however assumed that the child doing the bullying had learned it at home.

My DNephew 5 has had long hair for ages. He doesn’t look like a girl and would politely put you right if you told him he looked like a girl.

The only thing his parents find irritating about his hair is he hates having it brushed and washed.

Your child shouldn’t be reinforcing these comments and you should be correcting him.

but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

I'm sorry. It's always really unsettling when it's your turn to be pulled aside for the 'quick chat'.

You accept your child's misdemeanour but also think - blimey, why didn't the parent just speak to me....if that was me I wouldn't have gone into the school....

But people are different. It's OK for others to point out if they feel something isn't right, however annoyed you feel about the approach. You have done your bit - had a chat with your kid. That is all you can control.

While I don't disagree with you in some ways, maybe just talk to your son about being kind. It's odviously upset the other child which is the problem. It's not so much why he is saying what he is saying, it's that he is teasing. I would be very cross if I found out my daughter had been unkind to another child on purpose and would absolutely talk to her about it regardless of my opinion on the other child's choice of hairstyle.

Passing comment is ‘you have long hair’ or even ‘are you a girl?’
Repeatedly calling him a girl is your kid being deliberately mean to another child and as he clearly doesn’t mean it nicely I’d wonder why your kid thinks being a girl is an insult.

Totally agree. Your child is 3...they don't know things yet. Nursery is in the wrong