That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

As ever, context is important.
Is it surprising that a 3 year old might mistake a boy with long hair for a girl? Sadly no, because it is still the social norm that boys/men have short hair and girls/women have long hair, so a small child encountering someone who goes against that social norm may be confused. My 18 year old DS has long hair and gets mistaken for a girl on occasion.
But "passing comment" could mean lots of things. Referring as to a boy as '"she" because you're not sure is one thing but making fun of someone because you think they look like a girl is a whole different ball game. As is repeatedly calling someone "she" when you have been told they're a boy. We don't know the precise circumstances here, but we do know that whatever was said was enough to have upset the boy with the long hair sufficiently that he talked about it to his Mum. So I don't think it is unreasonable for the nursery staff to bring it up.
And just because you expect someone to pass comment doesn't mean it's ok and you have to accept it. I "expected" comments about one of my children's appearance when they were little due to them having a (fairly minor but noticeable) disabilty and I wasn't disappointed! But that doesn't mean that we had to put up with it. Often small children ask questions simply because they are curious and are too young to understand that it's impolite to comment on the appearance of others, but sadly even quite young children do sometimes say things with malice. You can usually tell the difference, but either way, they need to learn and that doesn't happen if you ignore comments.

YABU

I am female and had very short hair as a young child. I was frequently mistaken for a boy. I HATED it. I can't even explain why but it made me so shy about meeting new people as I was sure they'd think I was a boy. For some reason this stuff matters to small kids.

Presumptuous I'll give you. I am definitely making assumptions.

But ignorant, bigoted, narrow minded...? Not so much.

You believe in sex not gender?

So why are you enforcing gender stereotypes by allowing your son to mock another child because his hair is a length which your son associates with girls only?

Your son is only 3/4 (?) - so where has he got the "pink/long hair is for girls" from? It has to be from you and your DH.

Does he mock your other son for his pink scooter and his unicorn preferences? If not, why not? And if yes - do you let this go unchecked?

Tell your son that boys can have long hair and it's fine. That pink is for everyone if they like the colour. They him that what makes him - and his brother, and his classmate - boys is that they have a penis, and it has nothing to do with the length of their hair , the clothes they wear or the colours they like.

How would you feel if your other DS was getting mocked for his pink scooter? Would that be ok with you? I'll bet it wouldn't!

Edited to add that young children sometimes genuinely get confused about the sex of an adult if that adult dresses etc is contrary to gender stereotype. (They don't usually have this problem with other children). The fact that your son made a mistake isn't the problem.

It only becomes a problem when you blame other people for getting upset about it and refuse to tell your son that boys can have long hair, too - or if your son is genuinely bullying this other child.

Exactly.

Come on OP

You're meant to be a role model for your child.

So that answers the question about where your child gets his manners from. The only normal people in the country are ones that agree with you, and that justifies your abhorrent attitudes which are clearly rubbing off on your child already.

All you needed to do was reinforce the message that boys can have long hair and girls can have short hair. Tbh I'm not sure where you live that children just make assumptions like this without some adult influence. It's like in the 50s where people though girls who were trousers were really boys - obviously a sign of the times that children don't automatically think this way anymore. Young children pick up their cues from the adults in the home - they're sponges. They're not born knowing the difference between boy and girl!

And your OP says your DS had been calling him that - more than once. Were other kids doing the same, or just your DS? So all the other kids either didn't care, notice or knew better than to pass comment...

"The conversation"

Seems pretty straightforward:

-Anyone can have any length hair they want.
-Colin is a boy and he wants long hair.
-Do not call Colin a girl because he is a boy.

The end.

Having said that, if a boy has long hair then it probably will cause a bit of confusion for some little children. But, but saying the above, you clear up the confusion.

This thread needs to get zapped - are we sure this is even real?

Next week's thread - My DS told a girl that she shouldn't be wearing a Spiderman t-shirt. Her twin brother was wearing a pink t-shirt with sequins and unicorns on it. I told him normal girls and boys don't wear that.

You're obviously reinforcing your idea of gender stereotypes onto your children.

How about being a bit more open minded?

You are being so unreasonable. As a mistake fine but why is long hair for girls? My boys have long hair but then they also know that being called a girl isn’t an insult. However if someone mocked them and said long hair is for girls etc that wouldn’t be ok. Reading your post I can see where you son gets it. I do think you need to get these gender stereotypes ‘typical boy’ ideas out your end and educate yourself and you son.

I still stand by my original statement that if a 4 year old child has shoulder length, curly blonde hair then it is to be expected that other children in that age group will pass comment

Previous posters have mentioned that sometimes their child thinks a boy with long hair is a girl, they correct them and everyone moves on. What the nursery is objecting to is your son continuing to call the child a girl after it had be clarified.

Considering both kids are only 3, I think it’s quite sad that already OP’s 3 year old is so set on the “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, that toy is for girls, that toy is for boys, that hair is for girls, this hair is for boys”.

do better OP

You are wrong about your child quite rightly thinking boys have short hair. Some boys have short hair because that's what lots of parents want but quite clearly some boys have long hair which he can see with his own eyes.

Your child made a mistake and in making that mistake he upset another child, no need to be so defensive. He's 3, he got it wrong so you explain the fact that of course boys can have long hair and it is one more thing he has learnt today.

@SmilingMoon

Construction workers are not committing suicide because their parents made an effort to bring them up as reasonable people. Male suicide is a very worrying phenomenon and is often minimised on this forum but suggesting that it is caused by good parenting is trivialising it.

'Perfect parents/children'. The attack used by the crap parent, always.

Yep.

Although even the small minority on here saying if your boy has long hair you have to expect they will be mistaken for a girl saddens me. How engrained stereotypes are.

YABU. Show him some photos of grown-up men with long hair-there's plenty of them! Tell him boys and men can have long hair if they want just as a girl/woman can have short hair if she wants. X is a boy. That's enough.

Quite rightly??? Wtf 🤣
You are obviously very narrow minded if you think ‘girls have long hair and boys have short hair’. Do you also teach him that boys play football and girls play with dolls? Very clear where your son gets his incredibly outdated attitude (although saying that men have always had long hair throughout history!!)

How hard is it? “Mommy Alan is a girl because she has long hair” “No honey, Alan is a boy who just happens to have long hair”.

Its that simple!

My DS11 has long shoulder length hair. He understands as his choice to have long hair means that sometimes mistakenly he will be mis gendered, he’s okay with that. But he and I expect that once the correction is made-then it shouldn’t happen again!

Yabu.
If your child thinks that long hair is just for girls then it's because you haven't taught him otherwise.

Honestly? I don't know.

It's not a conversation I have ever had with him at home, like I said in my OP, his older brother has a penchant for pink and unicorns and he has never passed comment on it, he has asked me before my favourite colour (blue) and said "blue is for boys" to which I replied no it's for everyone. I don't stress over it because I don't think it's unusual for kids to say these things!

He watches regular tele shows, most of the boys have short hair and most of the girls have long hair. His baby sister has short hair because she's 17 months and it hasn't grown in.

Ive had the conversation with both of them tonight that some boys have long hair and that regardless of appearance it's mean to tease.

I cannot believe the comments on this thread, I may as well tattoo a swastika on his forehead the way some folk are carrying on

This is always an interesting little clip to watch