Not using someone’s shortened name

[ChilliPB]

My DH’s name is one that had a well known/obvious shortened version - similar to Nick for Nicholas or Sam for Samuel. He never, ever uses his full name. Neither does the vast majority of his friends, family etc. He would introduce himself using his shortened name to anyone new.
Fairly lighthearted but I find it really weird that both his parents use his full name, plus a few friends. Isn’t it a bit rude to insist on using someone’s full name when it’s not their preferred name? If you are someone that does this - why?!

In the OPs partners case he has asked them to use his preferred choice…

My point is simple. Names shouldn't be important to others. They have fallen into a trap. They have made a mistake. It is a vanity and like most vanities, it is harmful.

You might be right that I am more egotistical than them, but even if that is true, it doesn't make their egotism right.

I will work on my egotism if they work on theirs and stop thinking names are important.

Fair enough , phone glitched and I missed that bit. That being the case, yes I agree they should use his preferred choice.

My DH a bit like this-his parents/siblings/family call him James (not his real name)

School friends call him Jim

His Uni friends call him Jimmy

I met him at work where he was James again

No one ever crosses the barrier and calls him differently from the various groups-

He will answer to any-I find it funny but very incongruous to call him Jimmy and will do to tease him-just feels so wrong really but he doesn't care who calls him which at all.

It would be different if he did care

His family may be used to using his full name, and he doesn't mind. My late husband was Christopher James, and he was introduced to me as Jim-all his workmates called him that, because he worked with his father; who was also Christopher. So I asked if he preferred Chris or Jim, and he said Chris. After that, everyone new that he met was told he was Chris.

Nobody calls me by my (very common) long name, especially my parents. My gran used to write it in birthday cards but stopped that around 15 years ago.

However, I would obviously respond to it if someone did.

@Dantedisciple - thank you for your comment - I appreciate it. I do hope I am more than my name - I am trying, at least!

Your point is that you think your opinion about something as fundamental as names is more important than anyone else’s.

Its amusing that you call anyone else egotistic with that level of egotism.

It is not egotistical to want people to address you by your name - be that original name, shortened name or changed name.

Parents and Siblings often have different names for a person to the rest of the people they know. Often goes back to childhood and isn't rude.

Lots of my friends have family members who still use the name they used as a child.

My sister never uses my full name, she couldn't say it for a long time, it would feel weird if she called me by my full name although most people use it. She isn't being rude, it is just what she calls me.

Names are important. I might answer to a pronouns such as "you" or something less specific, such as "madam". But if someone asked for "Claire" or "Mary" or "David," I'm not likely to respond, because I'm "Emma" or "Bearhug" or "Ms Bearhug". It may just be a label, but if you don't use the right one, I won't reply. Just as if I asked you to get me some carrots when you went to the supermarket, I would be confused if you came back with mushrooms instead. Names are not entirely without meaning.

I don't like my full name and go by a shortened version. My colleagues, friends and husband all call me that BUT my parents, brother, SIL and the rest of the family call me by my full name. It's just how it is and it doesn't bother me. My dad chose my name so it's special to me that that's the name they use. I wouldn't ever ask them to use my shortened name.

You say names are fundamental to someone's identity but I don't think they are. I think we are all much more than our name.

I have an opinion. You have an opinion. Applying your logic that must make you incredibly egotistical too.

I don't think my view is more important than yours, just that my view is right and yours is wrong.

I think misogyny is wrong. You might not. That doesn't make me egotistical if we disagree.

It’s not egotistical to expect grown adults to have the manners to use my name.

I also think people are more than just a name, and haven’t said otherwise. It’s just that I also think it’s basic manners and respect to use someone’s name.

It’s funny how it’s never people saddled with a horrendous name they’ve felt forced to change that brand it an issue when someone else. Every time.

We disagree about names and basic manners.

I think it is very rude to be demanding about what people call you. You don't.

My apologies if I confused you with another poster, but I thought you had said/implied that a name was a central part of yourself. I might have overstated it by paraphrasing that as people are more than a name, but I think the distinction is minimal

For clarification I think a name is really little more than a means of identification. It is a tool so people can interact with you and talk (in the nicest possible way) about you.

Clearly.

How on Earth is it ‘demanding’ to expect people to call me by my name? That’s just nonsense. It’s no more demanding to expect people to call you Liz/Betty/Ellie rather than Elizabeth than it is to expect them not to call you Sarah or Jean. If it’s not your chosen name then it’s not your name.

If it wasn’t for the fact she doesn’t do the Internet I’d think you were my aunt. She thinks it rude and unreasonable that I expect people not to call me Starlight anymore since I changed it at school at 14 and legally at 18.

You are literally making a demand. You demand that I call you 'X'. That is demanding.
Still I'm willing to accept I have overstated my case. I often do, although I do wish people didn't think names were so important. I really do.
I'n glad you think I'm your aunt. Another poster is convinced I'm a man.

Sorry, but now you are being ridiculous. it’s not demanding to expect people to use your name. If that’s the case every single person in the world is demanding.

If Mary is happy to be known as Mary is she still demanding or is it just people that don’t let you chose the diminutive/lengthening that are demanding?

if you knew her you wouldn’t be glad.

I do this to my son. I was use his full name. Everyone else uses the shortened version.
But I didn't name him the shortened version i use his given name. Cos I'm his mum and chose it 😜

I don't expect people to use my name. I am demanding about many things but not my name. You are probably a far better person than me but you are demanding about what people call you.
Anyway I suspect most of MN agrees with you. I am fairly convinced I am in the minority on this issue but I really wish I wasn't. That is why I have been banging on trying to make my point but you and everyone else will be glad to know i have had enough.
So goodnight YetMoreNewBeginnings. I was tempted to shorten your name but that would have been childish and provocative of me. So G'night.

Yes. I think that’s a good end point as I will never understand how expecting someone to use your name is demanding.

I mean, it’s just standard basic manners that we all do multiple times a day.

Yes, that would have been cheap. Goodnight.

I must admit I do find it a bit odd when parents refuse to shorten a child's name.

If you have an Oliver/Alexander/Elizabeth/Samantha etc it does seem madness to absolutely stick to the full versions of the names when the shortened versions are often nicer sounding and potentially preferred by the child.

Once our kids start school these things are out of our hands, really. Teachers will go with what the child prefers and it will stick.

Which version is 'nicer' is subjective. IME teachers start using the shortened version without asking and then the rest of the class adopts it. Happened to us and by the time I had noticed and reminded the school the shortened version had stuck with all their friends.

I love my new name but prefer ‘Kev’

(thanks @IncompleteSenten )

@Dantedisciple - are you saying that you don’t care if someone calls you by a completely different name? Or that you don’t mind if they use your full name or a shortened version or nickname?

If it’s the former, how do you know if someone is addressing you, if they use a completely different name?

Sorry to sound dim but I’m a bit baffled.