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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving my 5yo at a bday party when I don't know the parents?

142 replies

Wiselass · 22/01/2024 10:17

Hi all!!

So my DD5 has been invited to a birthday party. It's a karaoke party in her friends house. I RSVP'd to the mum and the reply came back with the expectation that I've just to drop her off and come back 2 hours later.

I understand space will obvs be an issue so I get it from her perspective.

However, I don't know the parents or their family. The thought of leaving my daughter for 2 hours in a household where anything could happen to her fills me with crippling anxiety.

I know the likelihood is that the parents will be absolutely fine and pose no risk to my or any other of the children, but I am actually sick to the stomach.

For context, I've previously worked in child protection which clearly isn't helping matters.

When I told my DD that I wasn't allowed to come in, she had a bit of a wobble. She's used to soft play parties etc where there's always plenty of space for me to remain. I've told her that I'll sit outside in the car for the duration and if she feels uncomfortable at any time, she can just leave and I'll be right there.

AIBU? Am I overreacting?

Please give me your thoughts on the situation.

OP posts:
MarIeyG · 22/01/2024 10:19

To be fair 5 is a bit young so I wouldn't put on a party for that age where I'd assume the parents are going to leave them.

Whatarethethoughtsthatsurroundyou · 22/01/2024 10:21

Completely normal in my part of the world.

Whinge · 22/01/2024 10:21

YANBU and I can't imagine many parents being happy with a drop and run party at such a young age. The party parent is either going to have to accommodate parents staying or unfortunately accept that very few children are able to attend.

CanaryCanary · 22/01/2024 10:21

Most people expect to stay when their kids are that young, I think the parents have misjudged that. I’d reply saying that your daughter won’t be happy to stay without you, especially as it’s her first time at that house, and ask if you can stick around. Offer to help with the party. They’re likely to get that reply from a few people honestly.

NewYearNewCalendar · 22/01/2024 10:22

I wouldn’t leave a 5 year old if I didn’t know the parents. I now leave my 6 year old when a party is hosted by parents I’ve chatted to a reasonable amount.

To be honest I’d probably send a breezy message back with the expectation that it’s ok to stay. Maybe it’s a bit cheeky, but I think the parent had misjudged this - 5 is too young to assume parents are ok to just drop off. Something like “DD gets a little anxious sometimes so I’ll stay to make sure she’s ok. Happy to help out with anything!”

Original poster
Wiselass · 22/01/2024 10:23

MarIeyG · 22/01/2024 10:19

To be fair 5 is a bit young so I wouldn't put on a party for that age where I'd assume the parents are going to leave them.

I certainly wouldn't either. But the expectation from the birthday girls mum is to drop and go.

The feeling of unease is consuming me but equally I don't want my little one to miss out because I'm so panicked. . .

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 22/01/2024 10:23

Yes you’re overreacting, you leave her at school for far longer, your child will have all her friends around, what do I you think will happen? I doubt the parents are going to be awful if they are kind enough to open their home to lots of children for their child’s party! Honestly I know it’s scary for you but weighing up the pros and cons I think your child will be ok!

shepherdsangeldelight · 22/01/2024 10:23

I think drop and go is normal from school age.

However if you're not comfortable with it, I'd ask if you can stay or just not send your DD (maybe invite party girl and her mum over to play?)

DidntReallyMeanIt · 22/01/2024 10:24

Drop and run parties normally start at about that age here, but often if a child struggles to be left, the parent will mention it to the host and they'll normally let the parent stay, at least until the child settles.

At what age would you be comfortable in that situation?

fisky · 22/01/2024 10:25

YANBU. Round my way there's a real mix of parents who were happy to drop and go when their kids were 4 and those who were still hanging about age 6. There's no right or wrong answer it's whatever you and your child are happy with. I think as long as you are clear to hosts that you won't be expecting to be looked after / fed etc it is more than ok to stay. I would have at that age.

TotHappy · 22/01/2024 10:26

Have you tried just saying to them 'sorry, I can't leave her this time. Let me know if you're able to let me stay (and please don't feel you have to host me!) Or we'll give it a miss.'
For me I'd have explained dd wasn't comfortable being left - mine was still v shy at that age.
I've never had anyone insist I drop and go, are you sure they're insisting and not just offering?

I wouldnt send her if you've never been in there and don't know them. I just wouldn't. It's not just protecting her from them - what if they have a dog or other animal not handled well? What if there are swastikas on the walls? If they smoke indoors? If their kitchen is a biohazard?
There are so many possible influences/impacts on your child in their house, I just wouldn't.

NorthCliffs · 22/01/2024 10:26

Favouritefruits · 22/01/2024 10:23

Yes you’re overreacting, you leave her at school for far longer, your child will have all her friends around, what do I you think will happen? I doubt the parents are going to be awful if they are kind enough to open their home to lots of children for their child’s party! Honestly I know it’s scary for you but weighing up the pros and cons I think your child will be ok!

Every adult in the school is DBS checked.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 22/01/2024 10:26

Normal round here.
I think it's unreasonable to tell her that she can just leave though! Fine if she tells the host parents that she wants to go home and they bring her to your car etc

MaggieFS · 22/01/2024 10:27

IME five is the cross over age where some will be happy to be left and others still want a parent.

If it's at their house, then they probably don't have the space to have all the parents, nor want to feel obliged to host them.

So the default is drop & go. But if you explain DD is anxious and say you hope it's ok if you stay, even for the first 30 minutes, it will probably be ok.

Original poster
Wiselass · 22/01/2024 10:27

Thank you for the replies, you've all really helped. I think I'll go down the route of mentioning to the mum that my DD is a bit anxious about being left alone and that if possible I'd like to stick around for a while.

It's just a horrible feeling and she's too little for me to try and explain things. Its literally kept me awake worrying all weekend. . .

OP posts:
Beamur · 22/01/2024 10:27

My DD would have struggled with a drop and run at that age too. I think saying you will stay nearby is a good idea and leave your phone number with the parents and tell them that she's not feeling confident about being left and for them to call you if she gets upset and you will collect her. Don't ask her to leave the party.

WandaWonder · 22/01/2024 10:27

I would leave my child or not go at all, no I would not ask to stay myself

Gemstar3 · 22/01/2024 10:28

I totally get that space is a constraint for the host, but I wouldn’t be comfortable either in this scenario, OP. If there’s time before the party I’d be inviting them over for a play date so I can get to know them and then decide. If not, I would probably just be honest say I’m sorry, I don’t think we’re ready for drop off parties yet and pull out. I’d be surprised if other parents were comfortable with this either tbh but you can only make decisions that are right for you, don’t put yourself through unnecessary stress over a party!

hazandduck · 22/01/2024 10:28

Favouritefruits · 22/01/2024 10:23

Yes you’re overreacting, you leave her at school for far longer, your child will have all her friends around, what do I you think will happen? I doubt the parents are going to be awful if they are kind enough to open their home to lots of children for their child’s party! Honestly I know it’s scary for you but weighing up the pros and cons I think your child will be ok!

Sorry but the two are not comparable. You have teachers who are background checked, trained and qualified to look after a class of 5 year olds in a completely child safe environment, then you have unknown parents who could have completely different standards of safety to you - to giving kids uncut grapes to having a dangerous breed of dog. You have no idea and are entrusting them with your child! In what other scenario would you do that?

I would feel exactly the same as the OP. I still don’t like to drop and go with my 6 year old but she is quite shy and I want to be near in case she needs me.

hazandduck · 22/01/2024 10:29

Wiselass · 22/01/2024 10:27

Thank you for the replies, you've all really helped. I think I'll go down the route of mentioning to the mum that my DD is a bit anxious about being left alone and that if possible I'd like to stick around for a while.

It's just a horrible feeling and she's too little for me to try and explain things. Its literally kept me awake worrying all weekend. . .

Honestly don’t let it stress you out just tell the host you’d like to be there to support her and if that’s not possible she won’t be able to make it.

Mothership4two · 22/01/2024 10:30

I'm pretty sure we started leaving our boys at parties around age 5 and children were left at their parties - although ours used to be at soft play or indoor football type places where parents could stay if they wanted to and some did.

I'd ask if it would be OK for you to sit in (and help?) telling them your daughter is worried about being left. I highly doubt they would say no and if they did then that's your opportunity to turn down invite if you are too concerned to leave her.

Just seen that's what you are doing. Best way to go.

FrustatedAgain · 22/01/2024 10:30

Drop and run parties didn't really become a thing for us until about age 7. I think at 5 it would be the sort of situation where you follow the child's lead and some parents will stay and others won't.

IlonaRN · 22/01/2024 10:31

My son is 8, and I still assume I can stay.
I definitely would not have left him at 5!

Didimum · 22/01/2024 10:31

A bit on the young side. My two are six and their class has yet to do any drop-off parties. My daughter would absolutely not be dropped off and left even now!

KThnxBye · 22/01/2024 10:31

Drop and go is absolutely normal from school age 4+

You will not be able to avoid your DC having interactions with people you do not know. They will spend most of their time with people you do not know or do not know well at some point. They will go to school, friends houses, parties, classes and exercise, social events, cubs and brownies, sleepovers, camp, school events, using buses and trains, more friends, just hanging out, boyfriends, girlfriends, working, out in the evenings, all whilst only children.

I had a horrific childhood and have safeguarding training but you cannot stop children from being part of the world and they will feel just as vulnerable at 15 or 10 as she does now at 5, to you, but you have to let them.