Leaving my 5yo at a bday party when I don't know the parents?

[Wiselass]

Hi all!!

So my DD5 has been invited to a birthday party. It's a karaoke party in her friends house. I RSVP'd to the mum and the reply came back with the expectation that I've just to drop her off and come back 2 hours later.

I understand space will obvs be an issue so I get it from her perspective.

However, I don't know the parents or their family. The thought of leaving my daughter for 2 hours in a household where anything could happen to her fills me with crippling anxiety.

I know the likelihood is that the parents will be absolutely fine and pose no risk to my or any other of the children, but I am actually sick to the stomach.

For context, I've previously worked in child protection which clearly isn't helping matters.

When I told my DD that I wasn't allowed to come in, she had a bit of a wobble. She's used to soft play parties etc where there's always plenty of space for me to remain. I've told her that I'll sit outside in the car for the duration and if she feels uncomfortable at any time, she can just leave and I'll be right there.

AIBU? Am I overreacting?

Please give me your thoughts on the situation.

I wouldn't drop my 6 year old off at a house where I don't know the parents - YANBU at all!

Each to their own of course, but it's definitely not unreasonable or abnormal to not want to leave your child somewhere unfamiliar with strangers.

If I was leaving my child I'd want to know if there were any dogs in the house.

Not a chance I’d leave my 5 year old in a stranger’s house. Sorry.

FFS, you are unbelievably rude. Loads of people have said that drop off parties are not the norm for 5 year olds where they live. Are we all suffering from 'crippling anxiety' or are we all aware that sexual abuse is far more common than we would like to think? The likelihood is nothing bad would happen but it is okay not to want to leave your 5 year old with strangers.

Drop-off parties are normal at age five where I am. I’d be surprised if a parent stayed.

I think the chances of a child being abused at a party with loads of other kids are slim. However 5 is young to leave them. Mine wouldn't like it either. If she or you are not happy then just decline. I think sitting outside in the car is a bit OTT though. What difference will that actually make, surely it will just make her more anxious?

Either decline cheerfully or accept cheerfully, acting as though there's something to fear is not a good idea.

Its literally kept me awake worrying all weekend.

Mine are older now but it was the norm to drop and go once they started school.
Although you don't know the parents in this instance , how well do you really know some of the parents of other children?
I would say I chatted to many parents before parties, but if I was honest, I wouldn't really know if their homes were health hazards or if anyone abusive lived there. People don't exactly go round with that written on their foreheads.

i wouldn't leave my 5 year old No.

For those first parties I tend to explain the anxiety issue, and offer to help in a 'as I'm going to have to stay so you don't get an awkward whingy child, I may as well help, is there anything you'd like me to do?'

I have never been able to do drop and go for my youngest, where ever the venue is, he has social anxiety and definitely would not attend if I didn't stick around. The parents who invited him to drop and go were absolutely fine with me sticking around.

I have become quite good friends with the parents through this and they are more than grateful for the extra adult help now 😁

Drop and run wasn't a thing till the last year of primary here. YANBU

But maybe you'll feel ok if you wait outside in the car?

I think this proves that people are sheep, and should not go by the "norm" in their area.

Not leaving children at a party until they are 10/11 is very overprotective.

But all the five year olds usually are the same five year olds they spend all day with at nursery or school! And most people know the parents from nursery or school drop offs and pick ups and other events.

And if you don’t know them, it’s useful to try and do so if you can (especially at school) for your child’s social life later on.

When I hosted class parties, I included a form with the invitation asking for emergency contact details of parents and whether a child had allergies or other special needs.

And I didn’t subscribe to the “ chuck them outside and let them get on with it” school either, I had lots of helpers and organised games.

Everyone was in the same room or the garden attached except when they were going to the loo and I had a teen girl manning the front door, the downstairs loo and I had some exits (stairs and basement) blocked off. I had a helper monitoring a child who was a bit disruptive and another helping a little girl with learning difficulties.

A couple of parents stayed but the majority were fine going off shopping for a couple of hours. Not everyone is an axe murderer fhs!

My six year old has never been to a drop off party and I'm not aware there have been any that parents don't attend. Even play dates normally involve the other parent coming over for a cuppa or vice versa.

It sounds like your daughter doesn't really want to go either. I would just explain she is quite anxious about being somewhere new without you, so you will decline so you don't have to bail last minute. But hopefully next year she will feel more confident. Maybe send a birthday card for good measure!

@shepherdsangeldelight and leaivng 5 years olds is irresponsible IMO

My DD is 6, and she has only ever had two play dates where I havent been there. Both are mums and dads from school who I have known for over 3 years. I wouldn't be doing a drop and go with my girls with someone I don't know.

Personally I'd be happy to drop and go.

I also have sympathy for the parents if they're hosting at home. It's quite full on running a birthday party and I wouldn't want 20 parents hanging around and feeling I needed to serve them drinks etc. I know people say they'll help but it just ends up with people everywhere.

For my second child, people used to turn up with their partner and other kids in tow so one became four or five. It's usually easy enough to go to a local coffee shop if you want to socialise and not get under the hosts' feet.

OP I think your job is making you overthink this. Yes terrible things can happen anywhere and we need to be aware, but you must be careful about passing this anxiety onto your DD. Telling her you'll sit outside if she needs you is reinforcing a belief that this party is risky. You need to bright and breezy with her, regardless of how anxiety riddled you are inside. This is all part of being a parent and letting them grow up and become independent. It's all a worry! But essential.

As for staying at a party until they are 11 .... bloody hell 🙄... why stop at 11, might as well sit there in the pub at their 18th.

Of the parties I’ve been to no parents have left their child so I don’t really think it’s the done thing where I am. Certainly not when you don’t even know the parents.

^ Totally this ^

And ime it’s much easier hosting when there aren’t loads of parents around; there is no ambiguity about who is in charge!

When parents stay, the host doesn’t want to step on the parents toes, and vice versa, and who is taking who to the loo gets confused.

I wouldn’t have dropped off at 5 no.

My worry would be too many kids to adults, adults preparing food and drinks for kids and not supervising properly.

Food not chopped properly ie grapes etc, and dogs!

I used to get dropped off at various parties at that age and no parents stayed then (late 80s/early 90s). Did your parents stay with you at that age?

OP if you feel uneasy then listen to your gut. My DC1 was invited to a drop off party over the summer and they are 5. I text to say I’d be coming too if that is ok as DC1 gets very nervous using toilets they don’t know and I’d want to be there. I said I wouldn’t get in the way and would also help with tasks they might need help with. It wasn’t an issue at all, I kept out of the way and helped to serve out the birthday cake. It wasn’t a problem. Lots of parents love a drop off party so I wouldn’t worry about the host parents not reacting well. Just say you’re coming and give a reason (nervous DD is a fine reason) and say you won’t get in the way and can help with anything they might need.