Leaving my 5yo at a bday party when I don't know the parents?

[Wiselass]

Hi all!!

So my DD5 has been invited to a birthday party. It's a karaoke party in her friends house. I RSVP'd to the mum and the reply came back with the expectation that I've just to drop her off and come back 2 hours later.

I understand space will obvs be an issue so I get it from her perspective.

However, I don't know the parents or their family. The thought of leaving my daughter for 2 hours in a household where anything could happen to her fills me with crippling anxiety.

I know the likelihood is that the parents will be absolutely fine and pose no risk to my or any other of the children, but I am actually sick to the stomach.

For context, I've previously worked in child protection which clearly isn't helping matters.

When I told my DD that I wasn't allowed to come in, she had a bit of a wobble. She's used to soft play parties etc where there's always plenty of space for me to remain. I've told her that I'll sit outside in the car for the duration and if she feels uncomfortable at any time, she can just leave and I'll be right there.

AIBU? Am I overreacting?

Please give me your thoughts on the situation.

DBS checks are not magical pieces of paper that prevent people from abusing children. They just mean that that the person does not have known offenses.
Which is probably also true of party girl's parents.

The staff at school have all been background checked. The same cannot be said for random parents you don't know. My 5 yo doesn't like being left at birthday parties yet and the parents have never had an issue with letting me stay. There are usually a couple of other parents there too in the same position.

I don't think there's anything wrong for the host family to have suggested this, but I also think it's fine to reply that your daughter won't be happy to be dropped, is it ok if you stay. Don't overthink it.

I didn't drop and run until my DC's were much older.

Some parents clearly thought I was mad but I couldn't leave my small DC's with strangers!

At 5 in my experience is majority of parents stay. We'd get maybe 1-2 out of the whole class party where parents would ask to drop off and go. I wouldn't do a party at that age where there wasn't space for parents.

I wouldn't leave my 5 year old. No way.

They have misjudged. And are prob trying to accommodate more kids but are shooting them selves in the foot as I bet other parents feel the same and won’t send their very young kids either.

I agree OP, I wouldn't feel happy either. I'd feel it too cheeky to ask if I could stay though so I'd probably just decline, maybe saying why.

I can see it from both angles, if space is an issue.
Is your child ok to stay alone?
The other parent is unlikely to say, “no you can’t stay here.” No harm asking I guess.

Five is a bit young, but I’m not sure I’d go personally, I have said no before if I’m not comfortable.
You do seem overly anxious though, if it’s kept you awake all weekend it would be easier to say no and arrange a play date afterwards.

I would say that DD was a little worried at being left and make a plan with the mum to meet for coffee etc first so you and DD can get to know her.

If you've worked in safeguarding you know that 90+% of the time the perpetrator is a member of the victims family that has lots of access to them. Your DC will be fine at a birthday party.

I suspect there are older siblings and this isn't mum's 'first rodeo' in hosting children's parties and knows it's easier to have parents out the way

'Probably' in relation to leaving my children with strangers is not nearly reassuring enough for me.

I would never ask her to leave the party, I've just said to her that if at any point she feels uncomfortable or just wants to come home, then to ask the mum to text me and I'll be there in less than a minute.

I guess I just wanted a bit of reassurance that I wasn't being totally oppressive but I'm just feeling so unsettled with the whole thing. My mind just flits to worst case scenario and that it only takes a split second for to be at risk at the hands of someone else.

Mine are 8 and 7 and we've just started leaving them (since September) this didn't happen at all at 5/6

they will feel just as vulnerable at 15 or 10 as she does now at 5, to you, but you have to let them.
But they are more vulnerable at 5. Of course a 5 year old is more vulnerable than a 15 year old - they can be picked up and carried away, they still might need assistance going to the loo, getting changed, they can’t sort food for themselves. That’s the point otherwise why not drop and go with a 2 year old if all ages are same vulnerability wise?

My point is that someone having a DBS check does not mean they are not a child abuser. Just that they haven't been caught.

Perfectly normal when I was a child, and when my children were young. Nowadays we seem to have a society where parents think the worst will definitely happen if they are not guarding their children night and day.

Well sadly as more people come forward with awful stories about child abuse from years ago we realise how common it is. And often avoidable if parents are vigilant.

My son is 5 in 2 months and nowhere near being able to be left without me or his dad. I couldn’t do this.

In this situation, I don’t think whether you are overthinking or not is relevant. Ultimately your daughter does not want to be left alone so I would not be willing to leave mine for this reason alone.

Some children will be happy to be left and be with their friends and others not. When mine were in reception and we went to parties, there were always a couple who would stick to their parents for a while before joining in and it’s totally normal.

I would just tell the host that she’s not happy to be dropped, is it ok for you to come and as pp said, offer help. If it’s not possible then just turn them down. The expectation is a little unrealistic when so young

I've run the whole gamut of this with 4-5 year olds. Parties where the parent has left their child who has then spent the entire party crying and clinging to a parent who stayed. Playdates where the parent has put my child to play out in the street and then had no idea where she was when I came to collect and she wasn't with her child who'd been back "for ages." Parties where it was like Lord of the Flies with zero supervision. Parties where the kids were disappearing off to the toilet by themselves, then going through the open unsupervised door next to the toilet into the carpark and onto the play park the other side of the busy car park.

It's a tough call to make but if you're not happy and your child isn't, then just say no.

I wouldn’t if I’d never met the parents but also because it’s just not the norm where I am and isn’t something parents at our school have ever done. Having said that we’re a close group of parents in a smaller school and do socialise and know each other so I think our kids would be fine with it.

I think being guided by the fact your DD isn’t keen on the idea either means at least you can broach the subject with the mum that your child would be unsettled being left.

😱😱😱😱

is this what I have to look forward to???

Definitely 20 years ago it was the done thing to drop and go once the kids were at school. I remember my DS's 5th birthday party - ten four and five year olds at home. One started crying as soon as the parent had driven off, another child threw up through giddiness (not my food) and the oldest kid managed to break the pinata I'd lovingly made with the first hit, leaving too much time for me to fill with games I was having to think up on the sport. This was all before everyone had mobile phones and no-one was sitting in the car outside. All the parents elsewhere making good use of two hours' free time. Crying soon stopped and all the kids had a great time. Just me who was stressed. It was also the one time I hit the wine half way through a children's birthday party. I had actually been CRB checked, but none of the parents had asked about that. Most of us knew each other from the school playground, and the kids certainly knew each other.

I think you should listen to your gut here. If anything was to go awry you'd never forgive yourself and 5 is very young to be leaving them, especially as it's essentially with a total stranger. There is no way I'd be doing this. You're anxious about it because you know it isn't what feels "right" to you so you have to trust that. It isn't about depriving your DD, its keeping her safe.

5 is too young for many children. Just tell the parents that if you can’t stay, you’ll have to decline this time.