Leaving my 5yo at a bday party when I don't know the parents?

[Wiselass]

Hi all!!

So my DD5 has been invited to a birthday party. It's a karaoke party in her friends house. I RSVP'd to the mum and the reply came back with the expectation that I've just to drop her off and come back 2 hours later.

I understand space will obvs be an issue so I get it from her perspective.

However, I don't know the parents or their family. The thought of leaving my daughter for 2 hours in a household where anything could happen to her fills me with crippling anxiety.

I know the likelihood is that the parents will be absolutely fine and pose no risk to my or any other of the children, but I am actually sick to the stomach.

For context, I've previously worked in child protection which clearly isn't helping matters.

When I told my DD that I wasn't allowed to come in, she had a bit of a wobble. She's used to soft play parties etc where there's always plenty of space for me to remain. I've told her that I'll sit outside in the car for the duration and if she feels uncomfortable at any time, she can just leave and I'll be right there.

AIBU? Am I overreacting?

Please give me your thoughts on the situation.

Could you reply saying that DD might not be happy to be left straight away and you’d like to stay for a few minutes to make sure she’s ok? That would give you a chance to get a feel for the parents and how the party is being run. If it feels totally chaotic then they probably won’t notice if you stay longer! You will also get to see whether your daughter feels confident and goes off to play with her friends, if she’s clinging to you and doesn’t want to take part you can bow out early. I think if they object to this then you wouldn’t be leaving her anyway.
Either way don’t feel pressured to drop and go if it doesn’t feel right.

I have both older and younger DC. Vulnerability changes but is still very much the same type of worry for the parent.

I don’t want to let my oldest take the car out because as a new driver they are more vulnerable and my mind jumps to the worst case scenario. But I will do it, because I have to at some point and how will it ever change if I don’t.
I don’t want to let my middle out because teenagers, especially younger ones think they are invincible and are ridiculously unpredictable especially in groups. They are most vulnerable to peer pressure, and I don’t know most of their friends or where they live. At this age they can be tempted to do all kinds of stupid things from sex and drugs to crime. I didn’t want to let them have a job as they have to go into places full of members of the public and they have complete strangers in a position of authority over them, directing their movements. But I can’t keep them inside forever.
I don’t want to let my youngest walk to senior school on their own as it’s a four mile round trip each day over fields, canal towpath, through town, then a tricky A-road junction and a couple of dark underpasses. It will often need to be negotiated in the dark and to send my 10 year out on it feels daunting. Newly high school aged children are the biggest risk group for being hit by cars of all, but I have to let them go, because it is part of negotiating the world and nobody walks secondary kids to school.

They all spend more time with people I don’t know than people I do know. They could all be picked up and carried away. One of them needs help with personal care due to disability. They are just as vulnerable only in a different way. It has to begin somewhere and the problem is, you’ll always feel protective and they will always be vulnerable. You start with dropping off at a party because in a couple of years that will be letting them out to play, sending them off to clubs and brownies on camp, sending them out in the evening for events when you’ve no idea who they’ll be with most of the time, off on residentials, in public transport alone and letting them fly off to other countries with people you don’t really know by 11. Then they can be living alone in a strange city or travelling around the world just a few years after that.

The problem is you’ll always feel the same way. I feel exactly the same as I did dropping them when they were 2/3/4/5 now, sit on my helicopter parent hands, and I have to get over it or they have no kind of a life.

When my children were that age it was perfectly normal to drop off and run,parents never stayed.Maybe your anxiety is rubbing off on your child.

You need medical help for your "crippling anxiety" or it will get worse as your child gets older. What do you think is going to happen at a karaoke party for 5 year old - satanic rituals, bomb building, gender reassignment classes??
FFS get real and stop wrapping your child in cotton wool or your spend your life on anti anxiety medication

I recently dropped my 5yr old at a friend's house for a pamper party for 3 hours. Little different though as she has known the girl since nursery and her mum worked in the nursery they both attended.

I think it's fine if you ask to stay, especially if you explain that your DD is not used to being dropped off.

Around here parents usually stay for nursery kids and leave once kids are in p1 (4-5). Whenever we hosted at home I would always offer for parents to stay or drop off, we even had the occasional sibling + parent stay.

I would say though that your anxiety about this matter is something you should probably address, since children that age often go to other people's houses. It'd be a shame for your DD to miss out on visiting friends because you're too anxious to let her go.

YANBU at all. Much too young to be left at a house with people you don't know.

I think it’s perfectly normal to do drop and go parties or to do playdates without having exchanged more than pleasantries with the other parents from 5+. Not a nice thought but a random school mum is statically speaking much less of a risk to your child than their own uncle. School isn’t risk free either, after all a DBS only means someone hasn’t been caught. Then comes residential trips (from 7 at our school), brownie/scout camp, sleepovers, getting the bus to secondary school, going out in the evening by themselves, boyfriends/girlfriends etc etc - all while they’re still children. 5 seems a very normal age to start that separation. My eldest is 6 and for over a year now we’ve only stayed where it’s clear we’re being explicitly welcomed to eg ‘the kids are bowling and we’ve reserved the bar area for parents.’

That said, if DD isn’t sure and it’s genuinely coming from her then just message the mum and say so, and say you’d like to hang around a bit to make sure she’s settled. I’m sure she won’t mind. She obviously doesn’t want 2 parents + toddler siblings etc of each child hanging around in her kitchen for 2 hours expecting a full drinks and snack buffet, because you know what some people are like! But if there’s a couple of kids that are just a bit nervous then I’m sure they won’t mind at all- after all the point is that everyone has fun.

In my own experience parents often stay so I wouldn't worry about it. I'd just tell the party host that DD is too anxious to stay by herself and I'm sure it will be fine. We were at a party at the weekend and one little girl stuck to her mum she was completely overwhelmed and that's normal for some children. My eldest would have been like that

I think YABU to be this terrified of what might happen to your child at a 2 hour karaoke party.

But 5 is quite young and around here at that age I'd say about half the children were fine to be dropped and half needed their parents to hang about. We had a linked issue during Covid for DD's 6th party where some of the children were a bit uncomfortable but we had a party entertainer and it was rule of 6 so we couldn't let them in. So we compromised with the parents being in their cars outside until their DC were ready to let them go.

i always hated this dilemma

a house party, I’d have probably left them from 5+ (small classes, knew pretty much all parents even if just to say hello to). But I used to stay at the soft play ones, right up until they outgrew it. The soft plays here are big and very busy and I didn’t like the idea that no one was really watching them or there for them.

but I should also say that I was utterly alone in this and sometimes felt like an overprotective idiot. Everyone else seemed happy to drop and run from really young around here. That’s why I never threw a soft play party for my girls. I couldn’t stand the idea of being responsible for 10+ kids by myself in a big, busy place.

I wouldn't leave a 5 year old at any party even if I knew the parents. They are likely to be too busy to tend to your kid. if there's a problem and your child needs help . . .

5 is drop and go age here, but no one would raise an eyebrow if a parent stayed with an anxious child (or if an anxious parent stayed with a laid back child)

You do seem particularly anxious about leaving your DD with strangers and it is your responsibility to do something about it. I'm not saying get over yourself and do it anyway but it would be really helpful for you both if you made sure that the parents of her school friends aren't strangers. It can take a bit of effort, but chat at pick up, invite them round, arrange to meet up at the park etc...

Kind enough to open their home to lots of children?

Is this a serious method used to gauge how likely a person is to cause harm to a child because I hate to break it to you…

Some men are lovely and offer kids sweets in playgrounds when their parents aren’t looking too!

I've always stayed - never been a problem. My DD can be quite anxious with anything new so easier all round. No one bats an eyelid.

Agree with this.

House party where you've spoken to the mum before and think them fairly sensible? Fine to drop.

Party at the local bowling alley where they'll be wandering to the public toilets and distracted by the arcade games? Need to stay.

I went to an end of reception party where one mum dropped her 4 year old off in the car park of the local community centre and then picked her up 2 hours later without even speaking to another adult. Luckily another mum clocked her doing this and kept an eye out but anything could have happened! We were all a bit 😲

Please stop projecting your 'crippling anxiety' onto your daughter. All the stuff about sitting outside, you can come in for her etc, you are setting her up for developing the same problem you have. Please get help for your anxiety and start letting her go a bit more. 2 hours at a party is not where problems are going to happen.

If she can do a day at school without you, she can do 2 hours at a party. The 'anything could happen' scenarios are infinitesimally rare and should be kept in perspective. It isn't about whether they are DBS checked or not.

Really normal back in the 70s. No parent ever expected to stay with a child, it's become far more normal now, no idea why though.

My eldest is 6 now so been through a few parties since starting school and one in preschool.

My experience 4 years and 5 years parents always stayed. 6 years it was very child dependent. I stay as my eldest doesn't like people he doesn't know (the other parents). But I had about half at his 6th party drop and go - mostly parents I didn't know. The parents I knew tended to stay and have a chat / catch up. He is a sept baby so it was nice to see parents after the 6 week summer holidays that I knew. We have parties at our house too. I have noticed more people drop and go for parties at locations now (6th birthdays) but I usually just hang around as driving home and back again isnt worth it for where we live.

This sounds good.

Around here, the drop and go parties tend to start at around 6, when they’re all in yr 1, and parents have got to know each other a bit / met the other kids, and they’re old enough to feel more comfortable being left.

Age 5 is a bit little for all but the most confident I think. I had one child dropped and left at my dd’s 4th birthday- it was fine but it was a surprise at that age.

Yes, you are over reacting.

If you have worked in child protection, you know the majority of offenses are committed by people the child know and have trust with.

It's just 2 hours. Do you project your anxiety over to your child, as normally children don't worry about going to a party for 2 hours especially when they spend 6 hours a day at school away from you.

The naivety!

I would not leave a 5year old. Ask any police officer.

Absolutely no way would I leave my five year old at a stranger's house! There's no comparison with school, all the adults there are in their place of work, DBS checked and on security cameras around the school. You have no idea what the parents' levels of safety awareness or strictness around behaviour are like (or who else will be at the party).

I also wouldn't feel safe myself looking after a bunch of five year olds I didn't really know. Christ, my own is hard enough work!

Just tell them DD would like you to stay and do that. No need to stress.