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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving my 5yo at a bday party when I don't know the parents?

142 replies

Wiselass · 22/01/2024 10:17

Hi all!!

So my DD5 has been invited to a birthday party. It's a karaoke party in her friends house. I RSVP'd to the mum and the reply came back with the expectation that I've just to drop her off and come back 2 hours later.

I understand space will obvs be an issue so I get it from her perspective.

However, I don't know the parents or their family. The thought of leaving my daughter for 2 hours in a household where anything could happen to her fills me with crippling anxiety.

I know the likelihood is that the parents will be absolutely fine and pose no risk to my or any other of the children, but I am actually sick to the stomach.

For context, I've previously worked in child protection which clearly isn't helping matters.

When I told my DD that I wasn't allowed to come in, she had a bit of a wobble. She's used to soft play parties etc where there's always plenty of space for me to remain. I've told her that I'll sit outside in the car for the duration and if she feels uncomfortable at any time, she can just leave and I'll be right there.

AIBU? Am I overreacting?

Please give me your thoughts on the situation.

OP posts:
WonderLife · 22/01/2024 12:41

Playdates are quite normal once children are school age though, and you often don't know the parents well initially?

MaybeTooLate · 22/01/2024 12:45

It’s fine to ask if you can stay. I think 5 is a bit of a transition age- some kids will be happy without a parent, some won’t.

That said, drop off parties will soon be the norm so it would be wise to have a think about what approach you want to take over the next few years and discuss it with your partner if you have one. In terms of guaranteeing 100% safety, that point will never come (and I’m not convinced that having chatted to the parents is a very good guide) so at some point you’ll need to get comfortable with some level of risk. Might be worth thinking this through when you don’t have the pressure of having to say yes or no to a specific party.

HousePlantNeglect · 22/01/2024 12:59

Drop off parties started for my oldest kid at age 6 and he was always happy to be dropped at that age despite not knowing the parents really well. I always asked if he would like me to stay or go and he always asked me to go! I guess he felt comfortable with his gang of friends and is confident enough to ask whichever grown up is charge if he needs something.

But it doesn't really matter what other people think is a normal age for drop off parties. Your DD feels uncomfortable going and I think it's totally reasonable to ask the host if she wouldn't mind you going along because your DD isn't ready to be left (I mean, at any kids parties I've had, I'd have been delighted with an extra pair of hands so you could offer to help?).

I was a bit anxious being left as a kid but I grew out of it and I'm sure your daughter will when she is ready.

beanii · 22/01/2024 19:59

She'll be absolutely fine.

Let kids have some independence - better than smothering her.

Mumof2girls2121 · 22/01/2024 20:06

Take a book and sit in the car outside

MamaJax13 · 22/01/2024 20:10

I work in child protection and wouldn't be leaving a child under the age of at least 10 in a situation like this (in a strangers home) fair enough if it was a hall or a bowling party in a public space and my child (10) was safety briefed on stranger danger etc. But 5 years old into a home where there could be other family members ie the odd uncle, weird grandfather etc. Nope, not happening.
My child is 6 and is always accompanied by myself or their father.
My child will not be having sleepovers until they're in secondary school either, even then I'll need to have met the parents.

Reading the thread, it's alarming that most parents aren't aware of the shocking statistics that we are privvy to. Sad world but unfortunately the reality.

Keepingitmoving · 22/01/2024 20:10

No you are not wrong. I have 3 kids and wouldn’t have left any without my/husband’s supervision at a party at 5 years old. Especially at someone’s home.

MamaGarl85 · 22/01/2024 20:12

I agree with others who have said it doesn't matter what other people's opinions are...if neither you or DD are comfortable with a drop and go then you stay (and offer a helping hand!)

My DD (5) wouldn't even entertain the idea of me leaving her!

Manthide · 22/01/2024 20:13

This brought memories of my ds's 5th birthday. Dd3 was 6 months old and the party was at a farm. Ds had only started the school that year so I invited the whole class, most of whom I didn't know from Adam. Ds is ND and at the time was non verbal. The majority of the parents just dropped their 4 or 5 year old off! I couldn't believe it especially as besides the food part it was not exclusive to us. Luckily I had my older dds (age 15 and 16) and my parents but it was so stressful.

MamaGarl85 · 22/01/2024 20:15

Manthide · 22/01/2024 20:13

This brought memories of my ds's 5th birthday. Dd3 was 6 months old and the party was at a farm. Ds had only started the school that year so I invited the whole class, most of whom I didn't know from Adam. Ds is ND and at the time was non verbal. The majority of the parents just dropped their 4 or 5 year old off! I couldn't believe it especially as besides the food part it was not exclusive to us. Luckily I had my older dds (age 15 and 16) and my parents but it was so stressful.

Gosh that is incredibly selfish of those parents! Especially when they didn't even know you and in a public place like that where anything could have happened 😱

Loz2323 · 22/01/2024 20:17

And also a DBS check is only good on the day its checked, all sorts could be done from the time of the initial DBS check to the time its re done.

Montegufoni2017 · 22/01/2024 20:18

Previously worked in a child protection type role myself. Imagine getting a report/file that started that way. The first thing you’d think is ‘why did they agree to it’ Don’t risk it OP, shit that it will mean she has to miss out but when you’re in the position that you’ve had your eyes open to the evilest of evil in this world, nothing is worth the risk.

Katemax82 · 22/01/2024 20:19

when my DD had her 5th birthday party at our house our DS had been born 1 week beforehand (he was 2 weeks early). out of about 10 classmates invited only 3 parents stayed, and they all knew we had a newborn baby to look after. so no, YANBU because it seems to be the norm regardless

Bertielong3 · 22/01/2024 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Dacadactyl · 22/01/2024 20:22

Wouldn't be happening.

I'd just text back and say "thanks for the invite, DD would love to come but I'd like to be there too please. If this is an issue, please let me know, otherwise I'll see you Saturday"

sprigatito · 22/01/2024 20:22

It's a borderline age I think, I certainly remember some parents expecting it to be drop-and-run at 5, while other parents and kids weren't ready. I put on the invitations that parents weren't expected to stay, but were very welcome (with siblings) if they preferred to.

If this is explicitly a drop-and-run party, I suppose you just decide whether you and your dd are comfortable enough to go ahead - there's no right answer. I wouldn't worry about her missing out though; there'll be other parties.

Ganthanga · 22/01/2024 20:25

I think you need to be really careful how to present this to your DD. Telling her " you are not allowed in" or you are sitting in the car and she "can leave at any time" is making it sound extremely sinister. These parents have done nothing wrong but extend an invitation and are being regarded with suspicion. They probably don't have room for a load of parents hanging around waiting for a disaster. Ask if you can stay or refuse the invite but your DD will pick up on your anxiety and it will affect her in the future .

Shadowsindarkplaces · 22/01/2024 20:30

It's an invitation, not a summons. If you aren't happy with the arrangements, decline the invitation.
Drop and run were normal from the start of school when my DC were little in the 90s. As for those saying 8+ 😂

Theatrefan12 · 22/01/2024 20:30

Perfectly normal where we are. Usually parents and adult family members drafted in to supervise

Most parents would probably be annoyed if there was an expectation to stay as there will be siblings to care for and then you get the “can the siblings come too” drama.

To be honest I only found out that it was normal in some areas for parents to stay on MN and also watching that Motherland episode

To be worrying about it all weekend sounds a bit excessive. Either you let her go or you don’t. It’s not something to be overly worrying about

voxnihili · 22/01/2024 20:31

@Wiselass my DD was 4 when we had the first drop and run. I was so nervous (I also have a lot of experience in child protection and my mind ran wild). It was fine though - DD was unsure beforehand but was fine once she’d seen her friends there. I stayed nearby just in case.

The trouble with working in safeguarding is that you can’t unknow what goes on in some families. But, it doesn’t happen in the vast majority of families and therefore parties are likely to be fine. I need to remind myself of this when DD gets her first sleepover invite …

Dacadactyl · 22/01/2024 20:35

I think parents who drop and run for kids under 8 are CF.

Namechange1267 · 22/01/2024 20:35

Nope nope big fat no from me, I wouldn’t be leaving my 5 year old at a house where I don’t know the parents

Thereader90 · 22/01/2024 20:41

My daughter was invited to someone's house and whilst I knew the mum I didn't know the dad and it made us really anxious (wouldn't have made a difference if we knew dad & not mum either). Explained to the mum and she was fine with one of us going. Point is if you explain to mum hopefully she'll understand and you can go too.

HeartStarRose · 22/01/2024 20:42

I didn't drop and go until at least age 6 or 7 and then it was at parties of children my DC knew well, I knew the parents etc from school etc.

Like PP have said, I'd message the mum to say your DD would prefer if you could stay around as she's not used to drop and go yet, if that's ok, and if not, you totally understand but you'd need to miss this one but thanks so much for invite, etc etc.

There'll be other parties if this one doesn't work out. If a parent asked me if they could stay I'd be fine about it. I wouldn't want a party guest to feel upset.

Whitecushion · 22/01/2024 20:46

Once I started school all parties were drop and run, the same with my own children. Parents only stayed at nursery age and even then not in the final nursery year. Children didn't seem to endlessly suffer from anxiety . They presumed they were off to have a fantastic time and since their parents believed that too,
they did.
They will be building rooms for parents, attached to university halls of residence soon.