Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

508 replies

Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:28

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

OP posts:
stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 22/01/2024 22:27

Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:32

@STARCATCHER22 yes I know people have struggles, I’m usually very understanding. I suppose I just think how can it be harder than being alone.

Everybody has their own struggles but yes couples can also be pushed to breaking point by life with small children

ScottishWaylander · 22/01/2024 22:28

Yes I agree withSecondUsername4me it's tough watching a partner not lift a finger. In some couples the mum or dad is not just parenting the child but also looking after the partner either because they can't - or won't- look after themselves. Easier to be a single parent than in this situation!

Bellie710 · 22/01/2024 22:29

When my kids were younger my DH worked away from home for 3 months at a time kids were baby, 3 and 4. I honestly found life so much easier when it was just the 4 of us than when he came back for the weekend or a week.

Although DH was a great Dad when he was home and spent hours playing with the kids I often thought how much harder life was when he was home!

TheGander · 22/01/2024 22:45

I think your friend was brave and also kind to raise this with you. I lost a friendship with a single mother because I rather clumsily said I was fed up of picking up the slack whenever arrangements to meet etc fell through as she always would advance the fact that she was a single parent as an explanation for not turning up/ being late/ changing plans etc. She cut me off after that exchange. I think I wasn’t the only one of her friendships to go south. I was dealing with being a sandwich generation mum, with a dad with dementia, a brother with serious mental illness and no parental support whatsoever with the kids as my mum died before I had them. Yes I did have a husband but I didn’t think that made me privileged so eventually I just got fed up. Listen to your friend.

Wetblanket78 · 22/01/2024 22:50

My ex was harder work than the children and they have autism and ADHD. My life was so much better and easier after I left him. Would moan if I wasn't at home to cook his tea. Even though he was never home when we had ours. Most the time he came home after DC went to bed and went to work before they got up. So no he wasn't doing much in the way of parenting. What made me decide to leave was him leaving DS sat at the table eating breakfast the one time he was trusted to look after him and went to the shop. I was in hospital with our poorly DD. Oh but he stayed in touch with his older son. But he has no disabilities. He ended up drinking himself to death in self pity. He blamed his excessive drinking on me for leaving him. I just want to add he was never like this before we had DC. It was after I had first DC he got controling and couldn't give a shit.

RosieAway · 22/01/2024 22:52

I totally get you. People in couples often still moan to me about how hard it is when their OH is away for a couple of days! Until you’ve been a single parent, it’s really tricky to understand the intensity. I’m much happier single though than being in a couple where he did FA and was abusive. That was harder. So yes, couples can clearly have their problems. But having another adult in the house takes the pressure off ie when you’re sick, there’s an emergency, you have lost all energy etc. Sounds like your friends in couples are being respectful of your challenges.

Terfarina · 22/01/2024 22:54

one day you will look back at your child’s babyhood and remember how lovely he or she is and wish you’d spent more time enjoying it rather than bemoaning perceived injustices.

RosieAway · 22/01/2024 22:55

@TheGander a lot of single parents have all that going on too, and no other adult to pick up the slack. Everyone’s ability to handle things is different. I’d be mortified if one of my mum friends ever said this to me. Luckily, they try to help and I try to help them in return

Silverbirch7 · 22/01/2024 22:58

You're stressed about online food orders? 🤔

RosieAway · 22/01/2024 22:58

@Terfarina a little harsh… its bloody hard to enjoy their childhood when you’re doing it all alone and struggling. OP is no doubt doing her best to enjoy her DC which has nothing to do with being a bit miffed at the trials of a two adult household vs one

m00rfarm · 22/01/2024 23:02

It is not necessarily harder - it is different.

Cornishclio · 22/01/2024 23:04

YABU. Lots of couples struggle even with one child especially if that child has SEN or one of the parents is not engaged with parenting or has a disability. I do not deny single parents struggle but a lot of us had partners who worked long hours or away and weren't actually around to help with parenting anyway. At least you get some time to yourself when your ex does have your child. Even if both parents are involved parents it is probably not tactful to imply they have it easy because there are two of them. It is not a competition as to who has it harder. Maybe you could listen to them sometime and empathasize as it sounds like your friendship group are getting a bit fed up of you moaning.

Utterknowitall · 22/01/2024 23:04

I had it easy as a single parent with one child. I had control over everything in my life when it was just me and them. Fast forward to now, they're grown up and I have two more DC. Dad is present and co parents, and life is hell.

Poppalina37 · 22/01/2024 23:04

The issue here is the presumption that it’s easier with a partner. I have 4 children with my ex husband and he was an absolute nightmare, lazy, abusive and did nothing to help me raise our children x he was a hindrance. To this day he doesn’t understand why we are divorced…. Fast forward 13 years and I have a new baby x I’ve separated from her father and I have friends flocking over me to help me with her. People have been so generous with their time and purchasing gifts, clothes, nappies and formula to ensure that we are ok, yet, I find raising her by myself so much easier than I did having to manage a husband on top of that. I would have loved one of my friends to have asked or even to have noticed how difficult life was for me when I had a husband x I found it to embarrassing to tell the truth about him. You just never know the situation.

Seaside3 · 22/01/2024 23:10

I've been both, and I liked being a single parent. It's exhausting, bit you don't have to consider another adult in the mix.
That said, it is more relentless as a single parent, unless your partner.is a douch bag.

Brats4kid · 22/01/2024 23:14

I can't imagine being a single parent, I'm very lucky in that sense. Although, I still do everything and I mean everything. My husband looks occasionally but he is out working all of the time. I work part time, and he has his own business. Sometimes, it's just having the emotional support from a partner that helps, maybe?

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2024 23:19

@Hankiesk

Parenting is hard. It's not a competition or a 'who has it worst' contest. Some single parents will have it easier than some couple parents and vice versa. Certainly there were times when I envied my single-mum friend because she didn't have to take into account anyone else's schedule, plans, or ideas. She could make all decisions for her son by herself. And she could decide when and where she and DS were 'going or doing'. She also had less housework with just the two of them. But there were times she envied me because I could 'hand off' my DC to DH if I wanted or needed to and I had his emotional support when there were 'troubles'. I also had DH to share the housework with.

But about this:

Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there.

If you're saying he sees her at your house, you need to stop that. Tell him no more and that he needs to get his 'poop in a pile' and give him a list of the supplies she needs to 'visit' his house. If he's too 'helpless' for that tell him he'll need to take her out for visits. This will give you the 'down time' you need to catch your breath and catch up on 'whatever'.

Don't enable him in being a lazy parent.

ImNotARegularMumImACoolMum · 22/01/2024 23:25

There’s nothing worse than when people make struggling into a competition.

Just because you feel that you may have it worse than others, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t struggling.

That’s like me saying to you that your life must be pretty easy because others are living in war torn countries or experiencing famine etc? Plenty of people throughout the world are struggling much worse than being a single parent that has to do the bulk or parenting, but that doesn’t stop what you’re going through from being hard, so why do you have that mindset towards your friends of all people?

Another thing to consider is just because people are in a couple, it doesn’t always mean that they get support. Your friends could also be taking on the same load that you have and then watching their partner go down the pub every night while they sit there alone dealing with parenting.

I’m sorry if this comes across as though I’m not sympathetic to your struggles because I absolutely am, it must be really hard to have to take on the workload you do alone and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting more support, but you also are ruining your chances of getting support if you’re pushing your friends away over something as silly as thinking you have it worse than them

Terfarina · 22/01/2024 23:27

Not harsh at all. I’ve been a long term single mother and certainly wasn’t mithering over online food orders and ‘only’ having the luxury of one day a week with no childcare as I had none. Babyhood is fleeting and should be enjoyed rather than a pity party.

a change in mindset is needed - how many women who can’t conceive would LOVE to have these ‘difficulties’

and as many women have pointed out being one of two parents can be way, way harder.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 22/01/2024 23:29

Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:28

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

OP, you are being incredibly selfish and self centred. You’re lucky you still have friends.

A baby is hard!

Can you imagine if someone said to you, I have 2/3 children, anyone with 1 child must have it plain sailing!

I have no house/job/arms/legs. Anyone with money and a roof over their heads and a healthy body must have it so easy!

Orangeandgold · 22/01/2024 23:34

I’m a lone parent. I’ve been very fortunate with my support network.

I know other line parents that are completely alone and have a hard time.

I know couples in the same house raising their children and taking it in turns and spreading the housework and responsibilities fairly.

I know couples in the same house whereby one partner is pretty self centred and leaves the other parent to practically raise the children alone.

And there are many other scenarios in between.

Being a lone parent is usually harder but even I would never assume that my single friends are having it easy because they are single. Same goes for parenting.

I also think it’s a shame your friends feel as if they cannot share some of their difficulties with you.

PrinnyPree · 22/01/2024 23:34

OP you may very well have it the hardest, but your friends also have to have space to have a whinge sometimes and let off steam. It's not a competition. If they can't open up in front of you without you minimising their struggles or making them feel guilty because you believe your struggles are 1000x worse they'll just end up talking to each other without you. Give them some slack, everyone has their own shit and needs to vent once in a while. Xx

Getthebag2023 · 22/01/2024 23:38

It was a lot easier for my mum when she finally struck out as a single parent, than when she was an abused wife fearing for her life. Get some perspective OP - you don't know (and clearly haven't cared to ask) what goes on behind closed doors.

XelaM · 22/01/2024 23:41

I've been a single parent for over 10 years and I found it much less stressful than when I was married to my daughter's useless father. He caused me more stress than being on my own for sure.

HRTQueen · 22/01/2024 23:48

There are many reasons why a single or a couple may find parenting difficult

as having always been a single mother I have found some women appear to dislike that I have coped ok much of the time and anytime I have had a bit of a moan (and don’t we all) it’s been very quickly shut down with I know what it’s like I am on my own at weekends (not the same) or at least you get help when your child is sick and can hand them over (news to me) or you have time to yourself you are so lucky (that’s an issue with your partner)

I’m guessing I’ve tapped into their issues what they are I don’t know