AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

It's just a different set of problems, not necessarily better or worse. As other people have said, some people put themselves in the victim mindset and others don't. Grass is always greener and all that.

Happily married here, one DC, 3 y old.
It’s bloody hard what it is. I’m not saying we have it harder than you, but it’s not “smooth sailing” at all.

It’s all relative though isn’t it - you don’t know what you don’t know.

me and my partner have opposite work schedules so one of us is always alone with the kids and we hardly see each other. I feel like because I wfh I take on all the mental load. You could say we are a couple so it’s easier, but it certainly doesn’t feel easy.

I do get how you feel though as I feel very envious of my friends who have partners around on their days off and can go and do their nails or have some downtime! Or just have someone adult to bounce off. I’d hate to think of my friends thinking they couldn’t say how hard they find things though because of that.

Why is it a competition? My dd1 nearly broke me during the newborn stage. Dh was hands on but working in the nearest city and leaving 6.30am to 8pm. Second pregnancy was twins. Dh still working long hours. Twins with a toddler must be harder than one baby with colic right? Nope, that was so much easier than dd1’s first 6 months.

My autistic DH was by far the hardest of all my 'children'.

Life is much easier without him melting down over every last thing.

We're still good friends but he was an absolutely shit Dad and added to the stress of every, single, last thing.

Me and my partner have 4 year old twins. One of them has autism. We also have a new born. Partner works full time with long commutes, I work part time as a teacher. We are always tired, childcare costs have almost bankrupted us. The days I don't work are spent cleaning and managing household tasks, shopping etc. We are ALWAYS tired. Sometimes I wonder if I was a single parent I would get a break when they go to stay with their dad. I think parenting is just hard work fullstop.

Is there anyway her dad can have her for longer in the week so you can have more time for yourself?

A Close friend of mine recently got divorced. She said her life is now so much easier because her ex takes their children for one day a week.
Prior to that she did literally everything- it's why she left him. He's a lazy father but not abusive. She says that now she doesn't have to clean up messes he makes and has more control over her life (e.g. not coming home with the kids and finding him and his mates have taken over the living room to play fifa and eaten all the food) it's overall easier alone. And now she gets a day to herself too.

parenting is much easier as a couple when you share the load. If you have a shit partner, then it can be terrible. But yes I most certainly think its harder as a single parent than for those with decent partners!

I would say you probably have kg harder, as a single parent, generally speaking.
BUT if you’re in a couple where one person is useless/abusive/an addict/lazy then actually the other parent probably has kg harder than you do! Everyone has different experiences of life. You often don’t know what others are living through. Try and see yourself as a winner op- you’ve shed a useless partner, and are a good parent inspite of everything! Best of luck x

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to think that in general two parents with one child is easier than being a single parent. Of course it is! Me and my DH have 3 children, oldest is 5 and it's hard going. When I think back to when we only had one it absolutely was a walk in the park by comparison!

What we don't know from your friend group is whether anyone has a child with special needs. If they are technically a lone parent due to their partner being shit etc etc. Many scenarios can be tough, even with two parents. So you can only assume so much.

I am married, and while couples with undoubtedly have their own struggles, I do agree with you that inevitably doing it alone has to be harder on many levels, unless you have a partner that literally does nothing. But even then, they'll be bringing in some income. I'm a SAHM but when my husband finishes work, he takes over looking after our toddler while I get dinner ready, and then he does the whole bedtime routine so I can relax. If he wasn't around, I'd have to do all this alone and can imagine it would be exhausting. I think it's also massively helped by the fact that I'm a SAHM mum though - I can do all the chores during the day so in the evening we can both rest.

YABU

Perhaps with some more life-experience you'll become less naïve and narrow-minded.

Me and dh tag team so one looked after dc the other worked so not much difference to a single parent day to day. Most women will also be doing the lions share of the domestic stuff and organising family but with one other adult to do things for. I don't think it's necessarily harder for them but surely you can appreciate that you all have your challenges?

This is exactly what I was thinking - I was in that boat - all the same but with bitter resentment on top. I found single parenting a doddle in comparison

What I'm hearing is your not only dealing with your life and your child your also dealing with the mental load of your ex dealing with your child which is something as a couple your friends will not have to deal with and most definitely needs to be dealt with

it isn't parenting top trumps but if your moaning about your life to them way more than your listening to your friends moaning about their life then they have a point

Your looking at the situation like they have each other for support they are looking at it like you get the entire day off a week!

You sound quite unreasonable OP.
yes of course, day to day life being a single parent must be harder.
but, between me and my DP since 20th December we’ve had - a miscarriage, I had Covid, my car broke TWICE so £450, DPs Nan died Friday, and the childcare I thought I’d have from April has fallen through.
Twice the adults - twice the people with health issues or financial issues, two cars to go wrong etc etc…. It’s been tough.
I’d be mad if my friend thought she trumped my crappy last months luck because ‘I’m a single parent so I have it harder’

it’s not a competition. It’s just different.

we have a 2 yo and one works when the other doesn’t and we juggle.

I agree that the grass is always greener. I agree that the conventional lifestyle isn't all it's cracked up to be, and relationships are often tough. But I think OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here TBH. A lot of the comments seem to be picking on her because people in couples have double the amount of clothes to wash, double the amount of mess to clean up etc on top of the kids... isn't the point of two adults in a modern relationship that you're both adults and cook/clean/look after yourself, so then the impact of kids of split between you? Even if you factor in one or the other having more (or less) of a share of parenting, as one or the other works out the home more (or less) and the other does the (fair) share of life admin and housework to counterbalance, surely the baseline should be two adults who look after themselves and then the kids are split between them?

I work full time as a teacher, DH works full time.. DH works over the weekends and late into the evening to help with childcare costs... so I'm usually doing tea/bath/bathtime on my own.. and weekends.. it's not a race to the bottom op. I think you are being a little harsh on your friends. Let's all just be kind and appreciate that parenting is hard!

I think if you are on a bit of a downer - it can be hard to see how others can struggle. Try and see some positives if there are any - write down the things you like about not having to consider a partners opinions or choices or their rubbish habits you no longer have to endure - maybe there aren't any, but try and find a few silver linings to cheer you up.

I have a friend who is now a single parent to 3 kids, she finds life loads easier alone - doesn't say much about her exH. So at thr time she was with the kids dad, he become useless, she did everything and did it quite begrudgingly as he wasn't helping out, now she knows its all on her some how it stresses her out less.

Just appreciate everyone can struggle irrespective of their relationship status, all have a moan together, its no top trumps, be there for eachother. Its nice your friends arw considerate of your feelings but encourage them to open up again. Open Friendships are so important.

Life as a single parent with one person doing near enough everything is hard. But not all partners are supportive and help out even when a couple are together. And some even add extra hassle with difficult behaviour.

I think practically it should be easier with two parents, as long as both are equally committed.
Emotionally you’ve not got the back up when you’re a single parent, no one to bounce ideas or worries off. Your child gets sick and you’re on your own, which it tough.

And tbh as you’ve not had the full time support of your baby’s father how were you to know what dual parenting feels like? IME it gets easier as the children grow up a bit.

I am married with 2 DC. When the kids were young it was hard graft, both working hard in our jobs and at home. We worked well together and we also argued at times. Raising the kids alone, I think, would have been much harder so I don’t think you are being unreasonable in your thoughts. It does get easier OP but each stage brings it different challenges at times. All the best.

I don't think it's necessarily a competition and from what you said she didn't say it like that but more that your friends can't express when they have tough times within the group because you are actually seen to be worse off as you're now a single parent.
Regardless of family set ups, parenting and the amount of challenges faced around that are tough for everyone.
You do have my sympathy OP. My mum was a single parents all my life to three children and I have no idea how she did it. But I look back now and massively admire what she did as I have 2 but in a very loving supportive marriage but even we have our difficult times.

I think it would benefit you to talk openly with you friends about your struggles but allow them to do the same. It shouldn't be a case of nobody else's problems matter because yours are the worst! You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors!

What a nasty and un-necessary comment.

I think you're both being unreasonable to some extent.

I have been both a single mother with an uninvolved man, who refused to pay child support and a married mother.
Honestly, I find the latter harder. That's probably more down to the state of my marriage TBH.
Sometimes being in a relationship feels like you're literally carrying another person, all the finances and all the stuff of being single is doubled...but then I think that it's not very nice of your friends to say that they don't think they can talk about how hard their lives are because of your situation. It's not really supportive is it?

Maybe make less assumptions about eachothers lives and support eachother a bit more.