AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

@Terfarina
I worry about how much I am enjoying my children's childhoods. And I do enjoy a lot of it. But I find the exhaustion / intensity / practical reality of being a single parent interferes with that. I've had long periods of only getting 4 hours sleep a night and find it hard to enjoy anything in that state. My 2 year old was completely traumatised by his dad suddenly leaving and his behaviour was understandably terrible for a long time. I was getting over the breakup of my marriage. A lot of things are compromised in some way and I feel some guilt about that - bedtimes would be 10 x easier and more enjoyable for everyone with two parents involved as would days out and holidays. My children spend longer in childcare than they would have to with another involved parent. The times when we're all ill are not even the tiniest bit enjoyable.

I don't want to go through their childhood resenting the work involved but I often find that by the time I've done what needs to be done (working, basic housework, feeding them etc) I don't have much time or energy to do the enjoyable bits. Not all these things are unique to being a single parent but they are certainly exacerbated by it.

Plenty of people moan on mumsnet about parenting, whether or not their a single parent. It doesn't mean they don't enjoy their children overall.

I’ve been in both camps bringing up babies and you definitely cannot say you automatically have it harder. There are so many different factors to consider. I think maybe you have a very idealised image of someone being there doing 50/50 of everything you do and think how much easier that would be but that is rarely the reality at all. The practical side of taking care of a baby as a single parent, really isn’t what is difficult. It’s if you don’t have anyone close to who adores your child also to share the joys and challenges. My DH works away much of the time but it’s the being able to message and tell him that our DC got an award or just had a really rubbish night etc. It’s the children growing up and actually knowing they’re loved by their other parent even if they don’t see them much.
Some single parents will
still have all that and some will have lots of practical support on top with ex having children weekends or receiving maintenance or top up benefits. You can be living with the father of the child and he can be no help at all, make more work for you, ignore the children and make them feel like rubbish, little access to the family finances, this is a lot more common than you think even if these women are not being physically abused. Will tell you single parenthood far easier in these circumstances. So no you really can’t assume

I don't think parenting is exactly plain sailing for anyone it may come across as easier for 2 to raise a child together than it is for a single parent but its not always the case. I was a single parent for years until i met my now ex husband and eventually i felt like a single parent due to no practical support from him. I'm a single parent again now and have been for almost 3 years and actually in my own experience find it better than being in a relationship with an unsupportive partner. Maybe some of your friends don't get as much support as you may think

After the initial shock I found it pretty easy as a single parent with an ex who had zero contact, so voted yabu. Best days of my life. My sons disabled as well so he was a handful. I also worked. I was a teen mum and had bagfuls of energy which definitely made it easier. I don't think I'd cope quite as well as a married stay at home mum nearing 40 with a baby.

Yes, it’s hard even in a two parent home but I’m certain it’s a lot harder parenting alone.

e.g, I do get breaks throughout the day, everyday. DH will take our 17mon old on walks to the park (which usually lasts 1.5-2.5 hours depending on what he has going on), he’ll also watch her in the am after breakfast for about 1.5hrs, and then again at night before bed, where he’ll play blocks and sing and tire her out with dancing. I also get about 30min for a bath. In addition to this, he brings her to library hour occasionally.

your friend is being unreasonable because no matter what anyone else has going on, they can still share their experiences!

You seem to see life as a competition of who has it harder, your friends are saying they can't talk to you, you are moaning and you do not appear to have understanding or empathy for your friends. Sounds like they have reason to have raised your attitude/behaviour with you.

I think to compete with people who are in different circumstances to your own is pointless. I do think your friend seems harsh in what they said. I would want to be able to feel my friends were there for me. If they get the impression you think their lives are 'easy' in comparison, it's partly your own fault. Everyone struggles in their own way and thats totally valid. Some partners are worse than having no partner.

Currently on holiday with husband of 3 years and daughter who’s 14 and our son who’s 1.
first night here and my husband decided to stay out till 0530 the next day with his friend and came home a mess after taking ketamine. I was furious as I am in Asia with my kids on a family holiday and he left us to ourselves.
Another night my son wasn’t happy about being out during the evening and I was poorly with a uti, and I’m currently pregnant.
I told my husband that the 1 year old needed to back to the room abs he decided not to come but to stay drinking with his pal. Despite me being poorly.
last night we went to a rooftop bar for dinner, my son had been up the night before with a temperature so wasn’t himself. The venue was extremely loud with a dj playing and just not a family place so after food I took my son away to chill while they carried on drinking and then we got a taxi after about an hour. In this time I’m walking around with my son in a stroller to keep him happy and relaxed. In the taxi during a standard conversation my husband snaps and says ‘what the fuck is wrong with you today, you’re moody!’ I was in shock and didn’t even argue back. He embarrassed me and when we got out the taxi I asked him what was wrong but he was still snapping at me. I told him I was going back to the room and he shouted ‘chow, go on, fuck off!!!’ Everyone in the lobby of the hotel could hear so I was super embarrassed. He then decided to stay out again until 0400 the next day.
this is so out of character for him as at home he’s actually boring and never does anything.
what should I do? I feel really disappointed and upset and that he isn’t prioritising me, the kids of helping me at all.

Well you are wrong. My husband doesn't help out at all in the mornings....he could be sitting watching me run around doing it all but he doesn't even think to help....literally shower my kid every morning and dry his hair, put on his uniform, make his breakfast, get his bag ready and lunch and make sure his teeth are brushed and walked to school. Husband then goes to work and isn't back until 8 30pm so doesn't do any of the night stuff or day stuff that I pick up on....I still work and do online food shop and juggle everything.

There's loads and loads ofnpeople who are married but the men just don't do any of the work.

You might have it harder but it's not a competition. Everyone likes a moan and it's boring if you can't say anything for the other person saying oh yes but what about me..

The more people in a household the more complex the interactions and varied the personal considerations are.

You have one relationship - one kid and you. You call the shots.
A person living with three others has to nurture three relationships; communicate with people about everything and do three times the cooking, washing, driving about and shopping each time it's their turn to cook etc.

You didn’t say that though. You said it’s easy and plain sailing for a couple.
Get your point straight?

You come across like you think the world owes you a favour. Very “woe is me”. Probably ensure every stranger in the queue in Lidl behind you knows you’re a single parent. One of those 🙄

No it is not easy having a child in a couple. Lucky you for finding it easy.

To go back to the OP.... I suspect that this is a classic case of Elevenerife.

"Oh its been horrible recently as Ptolemy just isnt sleeping"
"At least there are two of you! When Persephone went through that I had to deal with it all on my own!"

"Trying to potty train Kevin, its a nightmare as he just wont engage with it"
"Try doing that on your own! When I was doing that with Perry I had no one else to help me with it"

Your friend, who is a good friend by the way, is telling you that you are being massively fucking annoying and that your other friends are sick of you trying to one up them.

Listen to your friend or get used to being lonely because they stop inviting you out.

Why would you think others' life is smooth sailing? Yes you definitely have it hard. But everyone has their own struggles. The fact there's 2 adults in a family does make a massive difference if both pull their weight, but the baby/toddler can still be a handful. For example mine woke up multiplayer times per night, EVERY night, until he was 2yo and generally wouldn't settle with his dad. I was a zombie EVEN though my husband tried his best and compensated elsewhere.

It sounds like you've maybe snapped at or dismissed your friends often, for them to feel they can't fully share their issues. Surely you want friends who can feel at ease with you; you're not only looking for an audience to validate your hardships? If it is the latter, maybe consider seeing a therapist for the sake of your own sanity, and preserving the friendly relationship with your peers.

Me and my partner have zero support with our 11 week old. No family live near us at all. Last saw them at Christmas.
Our DD is our first child and suffers with colic and reflux.
We're finding it really stressful, I cry almost every day, but as others have said, it is subjective. Other people will have it easier than us and others will have it worse.
It's not a competition. If any friends or acquaintances ever have a refluxy or colicky baby as well, whether they have outside help or not already, I'm going to make sure I let them know I understand, that I'm there for them and will help.

1 child
1 SAHM
1 working parent back home before toddler bedtime so he can do bath bedtime

yes i can see that scenario maybe easier than me as a single working parent of 2 BUT personally i prefer being queen of my domain 🤷‍♀️

i was a single parent, for 9 years. And now I’m in a relationship with a child. My eldest is still there obtaining I have 2 but only one baby. Sometimes being in a relationship with a small child is harder than just going at it alone. Yes alone it’s relentless and you have no time and loads to do. But you don’t also have anyone else’s input, you can do it your way!
Your ex needs to get stuff for her! Don’t let him just skate by and not be a proper parent! He needs to get the stuff and take care of his daughter.

It gets easier as they get older. I’ve been a single parent since youngest was 2 and their dad was overseas for 7 of the last 12yrs. They are now almost 16 and 19 and life is easy, 19yr old at Uni and almost 16yr old cooks her own food (out of choice) and is very mature and self sufficient. Both are great teens, very lucky. I have a life again, joined clubs, go to the pub with my clubs and always going to the theatre etc. It was hard when they were little and I definitely didn’t enjoy some of those years. In work and not picking them up until 6, no time for anything but dinner, bath and bed. But those years feel like a long time ago. The days are long but the years are short and boy that saying is so true. It’s not forever

My husband works away Mon-Fri I’m the mum of 2 kids at different schools who both do afterschool clubs every night, work and help look after my elderly grandparents. The week is full on and hard however I find it harder at the weekends when the husband is home 🤣

@BabySleep10Weeks but you have a partner to share the stress with. When you cry, he's there for you, and vice versa. Imagine these others doing it alone, no support and holding down full time jobs

Yeh sorry. Parenting is hard. Life is hard. There is lack of sleep, lack of freedom from your own life, clingy toddlers, tantrums, no one has time to themselves, whether you’re single or married most people work and still have to find time to clean the house and do the chores. Online shopping and cleaning doesn’t come with being single. That’s me with a great husband. Of course it’s hard for you with a shitty ex but it’s hard for everyone. Parenting and adulting is hard period. I’d be with your friends on this, your group should be a safe space for everyone to moan and let off steam no matter the situation. Life is not a competition

@Spicastar but again, you have a supportive husband who probably ensured you were less of a zombie than a single parent.

@Hankiesk I think if your friends have avoided moaning, then you may be going on too much. But I get your point, it's really hard doing things alone!

@Amba1998 but you say yourself you have a great husband so clearly it's a bit easier than for the op who would be doing everything you do, but alone.

YABU. I'm a single parent (since birth) of DS4. Several married friends had DC around the same time. My observation is that how hard people find parenting is much more to do with them (how in general they handle challenges in life) and with the specific DC (do they sleep well, are they needy or easy-going) and not just to do with being single. Being a single parent is indeed relentless, and there are some specific constraints: you can't just pop out, and it's always you who has to get up or solve whatever problem. BUT there are also advantages. No mental load of sharing decisions, schedules etc with someone else. You get to determine the pace of home life and if you and kid are happy with airfryer sausages and chips for dinner, you don't have to worry about whether it's enough for someone else. You get to determine the routines and how things work. You can be spontaneous. You only have to deal with your own mess and that of your kid, and what was in the fridge in the morning is still there in the evening. Yes it's full-on, but embrace the freedom single parenting gives you. It's up to you to make it work for you. Go for a fun day out of the kind you can only do when you don't have to drag other adults and kids along with you then plaster social media with pics...