AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

For many Id say parenting alone is far easier, you dont have to deal with for example abusive spouse etc

I just can’t deal with this thread 😂😂
I’m not saying being a single parent is easy, I’m sure it’s extremely hard. But having children is extremely hard! Working parents, even with support still have to run around sorting childcare, work, uniforms, packed lunches. My husband is extremely supportive…I still feel like death though ☠️🤦🏼‍♀️
To be honest I’m part time and even my days off are no walk in the park so I know that being a stay at home parent is no picnic either! Xx

Well all other things being equal, of course it’s much harder being a single parent. Granted, one of the couple may be ill etc, but as a single parent with no support you’re constantly stressed because it’s just you and if you’re ill you’re buggered. Social support is a huge factor in longevity.

Also, most single parents have actually been part of a couple, and obviously not happily hence the separation. So they actually have experience of both situations.

“Plain sailing”, as if.

I totally agree with AnethystSparkles. Being a. single parent with no support it is all on you and that is exhausting,

I think the important thing to remember is that parenting, and life, is not a competition. No one has the monopoly on how hard things are. Even if you feel other friends on the surface have it easier than you - they still need to be able to express their frustrations in their own lives, however trivial you may feel they are. My husband and I separated when my kids were 9 and 4. But one of the things I realised I had after that was a freedom my couple friends did not have. I didn’t have him questioning my parenting or life decisions - I wasn’t rowing with him about petty stuff as a lot of my friends were - and I really liked that. Your child is young and that is hard. But your friends will appreciate it if you are a happy listening ear - not a judgemental mate who thinks they’ve got it easy.

OP, I’m a single mum of one child. Her dad doesn’t help out at all, and I know several single mums who have absolutely no help (financial or otherwise) from their children’s father. Your life sounds quite cushy to me, having someone else take over responsibilities for an entire day or day and night each week.

I work full time, I’m 26 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, I pay all my own bills, rent, etc. however, I remember when my brother and his wife had their first child. They were a couple and they struggled so much that someone in the family would have to take their child every weekend to give them a break. They found it more difficult as a couple with one child than I did as a single mum with one child.

I think your attitude is unreasonable. Yes, as a single parent you will have different struggles and will have a more difficult time parenting just because of financial issues, childcare issues, etc. but that doesn’t mean that your life is at all times more difficult than the others around you. It’s not a competition.

I think it's all about the language you're using. As a massive generalisation, I believe single parent life is much harder. But, your post comes across a little wo is me and completely ignorant of the struggles other people have. Even if your struggles are greater on the whole - people don't respond well to this approach in life.

I've been a single parent for 18 months now and the last 6/7 months the ONLY parent as the deadbeat has walked away. The only break I get is the mornings when both are at school/nursery and the very very rare occasion I ask my friend to babysit (not usually for leisure time though) it's hard, it's constant, it's relentless, it's all on you and you are constantly "on" it's also actually easier than when I coparented whilst still married and during the beginning after I left when he was somewhat still involved. I do not doubt as a single parent you have it tough but you owe your friends an apology for assuming their lives are plain sailing. Hopefully this thread will have opened your eyes to the other side and the fact you are even questioning it speaks to your character, an apology and an explanation that you were previously unaware and I'm sure the matter will be put to bed and you can ALL have a moan next time 😉

Your friends feel how I feel when working parents tell me I have it so easy since all I have to do is sit around all day with my kids as a SAHM. Yeah, as someone who was a single working mother of three-a lot of that was way easier than what I deal with now. Quite frankly, the only issue I ever had as a single mother was calling off work for kid stuff and not having enough money. Which would have been less of an issue if the other parent pays what children actually need instead of the pittance they often give up. Child support didn't even cover one week of childcare back then.

Being with an abusive partner you can’t get away from whilst trying to keep the child safe? One of the parents in hospital or ICU so trying to look after child whilst also spending time with spouse in hospital? Suffering from depression so bad you can’t get out of bed in the morning but have to to look after the child. Being in the middle of war or famine. Or not earning enough to pay for food and heating. Or being on the streets bringing up the child or in prison. Having an ex that never takes the child or never pays for them. Bringing up a child while you or they have a terminal illness. There are a myriad of ways things could be worse than your situation. Situations you think are easy aren’t always as easy as they appear on the surface.

Why doesn't she have stuff at her Dad's place? Maybe sort that and he could have her more? As for being easier with a partner, yes they're there for you to moan at, if you have a good one then they help out a lot but you only have to look here on Mumsnet to see how many shit men are out here. I think constantly comparing how hard your life is is dragging you down. Concentrate on the ways you can make your own life easier, trust me to keep comparing will only make you feel worse

Gee, I had twins. You only have one child?
Piece of cake. You mean, you're actually finding it hard?
So how does that feel? That's what your friends feel.

Everyone's situation is different.
My sister is a single parent of one generally well behaved easy going DD.
I have 2 kids, one with SEN and one who is mostly NT other than some sensory issues.
Honestly my kids are harder work by a long shot!
But I do have the support of their father (not together but he actively co parents) plus I have a partner who lives with us.
Of the two of us, I think I have it harder most of the time, but I wouldn't dream of dismissing the fact she's raised her child single handedly, and she certainly wouldn't dismiss my endless struggles with my DD because I'm not a "single parent".
We also both have health conditions added into the mix and we moan a lot to each other, and also offer sympathy and understanding but it's not a competition.
If you have friends you moan to but don't return the favor or dismiss their struggles because they're not single parents then YABU!

There is a big age gap between me and my sister and our mum has always said being a single mum with me was easier than being married to my step-dad and raising my sister with him. He is a bit of a man-child and didn't pull his weight at all. Yes he would run my sister to nursery and pick her up, but he did no cooking or cleaning, bath time and bed time were split between me and Mum. He didn't really do playing at the weekend either because that was "his time". Medical appointments fell to mum, school projects fell to mum, remembering to buy new shoes or uniform or whatever else plus he expected her to remember all of his stuff too! He was hopeless. Just another person for my mum to consider and take care of. So I think it depends on personal situations OP.

I’m on maternity leave just now & feel like all I do is shop for & clean for my DD, but also my DP. If DP wasn’t here I would have much less to do in terms of cleaning & tidying, and a fraction of the shopping.

I honestly don’t know how mums manage to go back to work FT & am thinking about this a lot right now.

in an ideal world, if a mum is working then you would expect the dad to do 50% of all care & chores etc… but it’s been researched over & over & women continue to do the majority of unpaid work in their homes even when working FT.

I totally understand that not having anyone to rely on to literally hold the baby must be hard, and probably is harder than some of your friends situations, but if you genuinely believe they’ve all got easy lives just because they live in a house with another adult then you are marginalising their problems & making them feel they can’t talk to you. Sorry op!

There was a woman in our friendship group like you OP. Did nothing but moan and complain and compare how difficult her life was to everyone else's-of course she always "won" that misery competition no matter what shit anyone else happened to be going through- hers was always worse. I never understood why that appealed to her so much- like, ok- your life is the worst, happy now?! it became utterly unbearable to be around.

We supported her A LOT and went above and beyond to listen to her, help her, some of us lent her money, babysat for her, etc. It was never enough because she could never allow anyone else to feel sad or talk about their feelings.

None of us see her any more because it became too draining and mentally exhausting to be around. Don't end up like her- listen to what your friend is telling you and take notice of it. Otherwise, you will end up alienating the people who actually are there and willing to support you.

This has got to be a joke because honestly….. 😳 it’s embarrassing if this is real. Yes parents who are together have it rough too for so many different reasons….. if your friends felt like they could talk to you then you’d know why…. They probably don’t because you like you say think you have it harder than everyone. Pity party anyone?!

Yeah I've heard a lot of posts on Mumsnet with women saying it was EASIER parenting when they split up with a useless DH

I'm also a single parent.. of a 14 year old. Single from when pregnant and maybe at times I've thought maybe some parts are easier..you don't have anyone else's opinions to worry about..you don't have to get irritated that a partner isn't doing much etc..but it can be hard doing everything for sure. I did used.to find office chats about pink or blue jobs annoying as I do them all obviously...but I feel dead proud I've done it all. You get a totally amazing bond with a child as a single parent. But it is exhausting at times as you never get time off/go out on own etc.

Oh god I have a friend like this.

No matter what, things are terrible. She's had a nice day out with DH and her girls, but one of the girls had a meltdown or some woman looked at them funny or it rained or whatever.

She's had an issue with someone at work and now someone else has reported the same issue but now she's upset that it's being dealt with because the team process is being reviewed.

DD is loving school but all she can focus on is the one small part she's not picking up faster.

She was desperate for 2 kids and had a hard journey to get there but now she does but its SO much harder than my 1 (tbf, if what she says is true then it is but that's not the point. And also may not be true).

Her DH earns more than mine but I earn more than her so I don't understand how skint they are.

And then she wants you to tell you how awful your life is, but if you do she'll basically ignore it so she can later say "sorry, everything's been kicking off here" and tell you her latest drama.

It's exhausting.

I'd like to echo these thoughts. We had a similar situation in our friendship group, and despite our 20 year history of friendship, we are no longer friends with her.

You've been warned, now do something with the info you have. Listen to your friends.

I think it all depends on the person and the child. I'm in a relationship and find being a mam hard. Some baby's/toddlers/children are definitely harder to handle than others.

Being a single parent is tough, no doubt about it. However having kids is never easy for anyone, especially if a parent is there but not there. I've got friends who've said they find it better, not easier, going it alone as no one to answer to, argue with etc, which creates extra stress as a couple when both tired and pushed to the limit. No ideal, all depends on individual situations. Xx

YRBVU. It hard for anyone to be a parent especially 1st even if you only have one. My DH works away aboard for up 3 months at a time (and is away for 8 to 9 months of the year every year) little to no communications. (Think txts with time difference if he had signal so we can go days without any communication). Our DS is ASD and knew from 2. I can tell you it has been a very hard road and a lot of it doing solo. Little to no sleep for years. Not being able to leave him with others because of it can’t access clubs and activities as he can’t manage them unless I’m his 1-2-1.

if I was a single mother I wouldn’t have an more to deal with that I do t already have now