AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

When I split up with my exhusband, the Dad of my two girls, I actually found it easier and less stressful being a single parent than parenting when we were still together. I felt more in control and at ease.

When we were together he didn’t pull his weight and he was incredibly unpleasant to be around as he was a bully.

Im more concerned that your ex doesn’t take your child as he “doesn’t have the right stuff”. A 17 month old needs a cot and a changing mat and babyproofing all of which can very sourced easily enough. I assume you could lend him a buggy.
Certainly once your child gets to an age where they are in a bed toilet trained I see zero reason why your ex shouldn’t share custody & take the pressure off you.

I have two young kids & I we live with my partner and at times things are very tough and a lot of resentments build about work, childcare & housework. We never really get a break. If it’s not work the kids need us. The oldest one has started hobbies so weekend lie-ins are gone. He is also mostly fairly badly behaved so we are trying to manage that. There are of course positives and it is easier than being a single parent but it’s not plain sailing.

I think if your friend has raised the topic you should note it if you want to keep your friends.

Personally I've found single parenthood much much easier than parenting in a couple but I'm always told not all men are selfish lazy undermining aresholes

Yes its generally easier when you are in a couple where both are pulling their weight. You get more breaks and can tag team at bedtime etc. But if you are partnered with a sad sack lazy twat or a dickhead partner then I think that's probably harder than being single, based on what I've observed.

Everyone should have space to have their struggles acknowledged.

But it can be really jarring when you no longer relate to the lives your friends are living. Maybe consider trying to share your struggles with people in a similar boat to you, and get to know other single parents

My husband and I have one child who is severely disabled and it is extremely hard for so many reasons I could write a book.
My husband and I don't get to do anything as a couple because one of us always has to stay with our son.
In 12 years we have had 4 date nights.
I went to a concert last year by myself because my husband had to stay with our son.
My husband went car racing by himself because I had to stay with our son.
You say that your ex sees your child.
So if you were to get into a new relationship you could go on dates etc while your child was with your ex.
That is just one example of how it is harder for us than if we were single.
I could probably list a lot more.
But I always try to remember that no matter how hard we have it there are other families out there who probably have it harder so we try to be conscious of who we complain to.

YABU parenting and life are hard generally. Just because you have a partner it doesn’t mean it’s easier, that’s quite a naive way to think. I’m a single mum and frankly I find things much easier than most of my friends who have a partner!

This. A couple of my mates have partners who are beyond useless and make life much more difficult

All things being equal then yes of course its far harder being a lone parent than for a couple.

But there are lots variables....disabled child, abusive relationship etc..

I suppose my life is quite 'plain sailing' compared to others around me who have much bigger problems. I have one child, a husband who pulls his weight, work part time.
As a result I often feel awkward if I need to have a moan about something.

It's a shame really, because I don't have a perfect life. I have quite severe health anxiety actually but I wouldn't dare talk about that in front of someone who was struggling to put food on the table.

Should you only be allowed to moan about the big stuff?

I had a friend that constantly went on about how difficult their life was due to being a single parent to the point where she sounded angry with me for being single and alleging that I ‘had it so much easier then her’. She had a nanny and was paid significant amounts of money by her ex. I had terrible health problems at the time and was trying to juggle full time work, paying a mortgage whilst having a chronic health condition, so my life was certainly not easy. I also did not know if I would ever have children. If I ever wanted to talk about my struggles I would constantly get slapped down by her hard life. Suffice to say she is no longer my friend.

I now have two. But I was a single parent for 8 years with my first. I found it infinitely easier to be a single parent with 1 child than in a couple with 1 child, or in a couple and pregnant, or in a couple with 2 children (I have a large age gap so not like two small children). Im currently pregnant with my third.
literally everything in my life was easier when I was on my own. Parenting with someone else in the house is really really really difficult, housework, organisation etc literally every single thing is harder with two adults.

One of the hardest things I’ve found is differences in parenting. Each having a different stance on how things should be done, what should be said, how a situation should be handled, what pocket money should entail, what independence a child should have, chores the child should have, bedtime, bath time, timings, hobbies. Literally everything can be disagreed on when you have two different people trying to parent from the same space.
when you’re on your own you do things your way and that’s it. That’s not my situation now. Now my situation is I say for example, right bedtime needs to be at 7pm because xyz and he says, 7 really that seems early, I’d say 7.30. And then it’s not a given, there has to be a discussion there has to be an agreement. It can’t just be my way and it can’t just be his way. And so instead, often it takes awhile to get to a point of right this is what we will do with this. And often neither of us feel happy or that we are doing it the way we think is right.
i miss having total autonomy over my own parenting. I took it for granted when I was a single parent. I too often yearned for support, one time my son was struggling to breathe and I was sat crying and thinking if only I had another adult here to tell me, take him to the hospital that’s the right thing. Now I’m in a couple, and the only time since we began living together that I’ve had to make a decision like that he was at work and wasn’t even here. So I still had no support for that situation. It’s not as you think it is op. And not because he isn’t pulling his weight, or he’s a crap parent. But because everyone likes to do things their own way, and everyone has jobs. And 3 peoples dishes/cooking/laundry is more than yours and a child’s.

There are so many different factors that contribute to making it harder/easier, being a single parent is just one. For example

+1
Single parent
Multiple children
Financial difficulties
Disabled child
Disabled parent
Other stresses in life
The other parent being useless or working away
Caring responsibilities for other family members

This is very true, my family are great but definitely, since now in a happy marriage the support/dynamic has changed totally. They don’t feel they have to ring, visit, invite me over or give my children any additional input, pay for travel or meals for me (not that have got any more money now 🤣) fair enough as they’ve got their own lives to deal with but has made me realise how much they and other people did go out their way to try and help because I was a single parent

There was a similar thread on Munster recently. Someone summed up the responses. If I recall,

Singles have it easier
Singles have it harder

Couples have it easier
Couples have it harder

If you are a single parent with family around, who can help with babysitting, school runs etc, you could have it easier than a couple who dh commutes and is out most of the day, and then is too tired to help in the evening, without any family support.

It probably took a lot for your friend to say this to you. I mean this kindly, but do you monopolise the conversation (probably unconsciously) about your struggles?

to be completely honest you & your friends don’t seem very supportive to eachother. It shouldn’t matter “who has it hardest”, you should all be able to talk about & support eachother when any of you are having a difficult time. I don’t see why it needs to be a competition as to who technically has it hardest. All circumstances faces issues & problems, they’re just different. Nobody should ever minimize what somebody else is struggling with, since we all have different coping abilities across a wide range of things. What one finds difficult or stressful another might thrive & vice versa. If you & your friends can’t support eachother without it being a competition then it’s toxic & not a nice healthy friendship.

OP are you one upping people?

They will just be having a general moan and then you say “well I don’t have any support …..”

Maybe work on your listening skills and let them vent without bringing the conversation straight back to you.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side- my partner is at times a brilliant dad, but has serious mental health issues, last year he had 3 major crisis episodes of being suicidal, and a number of bad times in between, he was not able to work for over 4 months and as self employed no income during that time. I spent most of the year wondering if he would have hurt himself when I got home that day, if he would be alive, how I would tell our children if he was not, how I would support their grief through the rest of their lives, how I can best support our kids through the times that he's in crisis, do I take them away from someone who's a great dad to them when he's well, to protect them for when he's unwell, having worked part time to bring up the kids how do I bridge the financial hole to keep us afloat? In those times every spare minute I have is spent on the phone to medical services for him, the school support team for the kids, carers support, psychologist appointments, days spent in minor injuries or hospital when he's hurt himself, trying to catch up on work hours missed etc, and on top of that I'm running the house and family solo, not able to plan support becasue I never know what's going to happen that day. In my case it would certainly be easier to be a single parent with an ex that contributed financially and had the kids a day a week. From the outside you'd never know, you'd see us walk down the street on a good day and think what a normal, happy, lucky family we were. Things are not always as they seem. But I still appreciate that my friends have tough times. I'm still there for them when they need me. I share what I have and give what time or support I can, I listen when they're having a hard time. Maybe it's not about comparisons of whether things are harder for you, or for your friends, maybe it's about them being there for you when you need them, and you being there for them when they need help.

Am in a couple - we have 2 children, I do all the things you do except with two children. My husband works a lot, I work. - we haven’t had a night off since our youngest was born 14m ago….

absolutely have you moan but don’t think you have the hardest life and no-one else struggles - trust me it’s not “plain sailing” for us couples either.

and absolutely trust me when I say there are still others out there who have it a lot worse!

YABU. It's not a competition. A lot of people, single or couple, have issues. Surely friends should be sympathetic and help each other.

Being part of a couple can be hard work in itself sometimes for so many reasons.
You sound quite self absorbed.
But then you don’t have to consider other people’s feelings as part of the fabric of your everyday existence do you?
I think you’ll be happier with your life if you can be more empathetic.
And sort out your baby’s father to be more useful. He can get the equipment he needs quite cheaply at a charity shop.
Then perhaps you can stop being the victim and enjoy the child that you chose to have.

I think you're being brave and naive to ask.

I say this because you are making a judgement on the ease of something in a very binary way, when life really isn't like that. And you're risking the friendships you do have with that judgemental approach

A single parent with a massive support network might have it much 'easier' than a couple with no support network. Or any of the multiple issues that any individual could face, as an individual or as part of a couple.

Besides which, 'easy' is relative.
Unless you walk in their shoes, you have no real way of quantifying and qualifying how 'easy' some people might find their situation.

Everyone being a parent doesn't mean we are all on the same journey. We're not all in the same boat. And because our children are also all unique, we not even in the same storm as each other. And how 'easy' we find it will also depend on our individual resilience and support network too.

You may be wise to stop comparing your circumstances with others, it's not a competition and your friends should be able to tell you their woes without worrying if you're secretly assuming they should get over it because your life is way worse...

Hi there some times it is hard to see pat out own lives and struggles because we can’t see from anyone else’s perspective but you do sound a bit self absorbed and maybe reflect and even just listen more to your friends as it does sound maybe as though I’d your friend is having a hard time or time to chat through their problems it might be you are the kind of person who interest if listens tried to relate by sharing a similar story but sometimes people don’t want to hear your similar story or struggle they just want to be heard and validated (I do this to and I have become now aware of it). I’m in a happy relationship and the days we both have our one child as in the date we are both off work al together I actually find HARDER than when it’s just me and my son and the reasons are just silly things like of my partner is off I will get annoyed if he doesn’t so something to share the load even though he can be doing a billion other things, or most times I usually make all the plans and if he’s off I’d like him to make a plan for what we do but he’s he happy just lounging aroind so when we waste the day I get a bit annoyed but nothing major or even things like lunch if you are just making for you and wee one it just seems easier and quicker to do that than figure out lunch and tidying up around your partner etc tbh that’s not even real stuff I can’t really think but it’s just different from being alone basically because when it’s just you and wee one you’re in your own rhythm kinda thing. Ultimately we’ve all got our own struggles and pressures we can put on ourselves as well so I don’t think really anyone or very many people any way have it plain sailing.

My husband moved out when my daughter was 13 months and my son was 4. I actually found my life easier after that as I didn't have to deal with him as well as the kids!