AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

i have the same dynamic with my very very close friend. She has 2 kids, and has them half the time. I have 3 kids and with my husband all the time. She had an argument with her teen at the week end and found solace talking to “an adult” who had sone distance to it. She told me and my other friend “you don’t know how hard it is all the time alone” withiut an adult to share

and that’s true

the issue I see in your case with your fiends is that you’re locked into a “comparison” of circumstances when what you need, each, is to listen to what’s going on for each, and see how you can help support. Your friends may have tensions with their partners and quarrels with how and when to do things that drains too…

really listening to each other experience, without judgement is tough. But it’s worth it. As is telling your story without comparison to what you imagine other people life to be.

those in couples will have to negotiate the how the when and the what with the other parent daily. That drains also, but in a different manner

we are linked - not ranked

Are you that person that when someone else says they're finding x or y hard, you come back with how it's much harder for you??

Everyone has struggles.

You worded it badly it’s not pretty easy in a couple but I’ve been a single parent and after a big gap I now have a baby with my husband and it is significantly easier in a couple than on your own.. I think you need to talk to your friend though and reassure them that you can see they have difficulties too and are there for them to also vent. It’s not a competition and being friends is about being there for each other

Notwithstanding lone parenting is a ballache (I've been divorced for 7 years and current partner is a long distance relationship so essentially have managed my now teens for majority of the time) being in a couple can be stressful and lonely. Not everyone pulls their weight or wants to manage things the same way. Hopefully in time your child can stay with their dad for longer periods to give you some much needed respite.

My husband was in an accident at work that left him disabled. I sat in Consultants office when he was told he would never get better and was likely to be in a wheelchair within 10 years. Some days he screams with pain.

When we had that meeting I had a 10 day old baby on my lap and my 2 year old was with my mother. I had to go back to work fulltime when the baby was 8 months old so I had a fulltime job, a baby, a toddler and a disabled husband to care for.

So yes I think I probably had it harder than you but I just got on with it.

I’ve been a single parent with zero involvement from dad, no money, no contact and I’m now parenting as part of a couple. I would say overall single parenting is harder but parenting with a partner also brings difficulties. For instance, my partner works ALOT, 6 sometimes 7 days a week, but he does loads when he’s home. Sometimes we end up arguing through tiredness/ stress with the baby and that on top of dealing with a baby can be more difficult. Sometimes we disagree on how to parent as well, I liked being able to make all the decisions on my own.
Parenting is hard full stop.

Objectively there are negative effects on children (on average) of being from a single parent household. Poorer academic performance, more behavioural problems, more health issues, poorer career prospects etc. This does not, of course, apply to every child from a single parent family and there are a multitude of reasons these issues but it is very clear in the data. There are also obviously groups of children who are disadvantaged for all sorts of reasons including being in a household with an abusive parent, which is no doubt more damaging than living with a non-abusive single parent.

A whole thread on mumsnet which talks about how being a single parent is comparable to having a partner who gets home late from work (which it objectively isn’t in that children who have a parent who works late don’t have the same poorer life outcomes on average) or that it’s easier because you don’t have to negotiate about who does the washing up is unhelpful.

For every single parent who is feeling empowered at making every parenting decision herself there are probably three who are really struggling due to poverty, difficult ex, issues with the children or just exhaustion. I suspect the demographic on mumsnet tends towards the former.

Policy could address the disadvantage suffered by children from single parent families, much of which is related to poverty and lack of parental attention/time or poor maternal mental health but in many cases it does the opposite in the UK. It definitely won’t change most people have the attitudes on this thread (and this is on a site for mothers).

It’s probably just because OP was insensitive to her friends and people are defensive about being told their life is easy when it isn’t but it’s not necessary to make the opposite argument about how easy single parenting is to make your point.

Too many variables here. Do you work full time or not? If your friends in two parents households all work full time, but you don’t, then they may be finding it just as hard. How many hours parents are working is a massive factor in how hard juggling life is.
As a mother who’s always worked full time, as has my husband, life is difficult to juggle. We have 4 children, on top of that the only family of a very ill 87 year old who lives a 40 minute drive away & constantly in and out or hospital. Trying to fit in hospital visits, shop, cook, clean, work, ferry kids to hobbies, spend time with the kids…. It’s relentless.

We all have stuff going on.

We don’t get nights off being parents, it’s constant. When the kids I’d sometimes feel envious of friends who got a night off a week, imagine a full nights sleep? Or a day to yourself and not being at work?

Parenting is just hard full stop. Like many have said, it’s not a competition and some kids are easier than others too!

I think the experience of being a single parent is separate to outcomes for children. Many mothers have stayed in quite difficult but non violent relationships so that their children have the benefits that can come with a relationship/marriage (not at all advocating that women should feel they should do this) but actually it would of been easier for them personally to have been a single parent

My life became muuuuuuuch easier when I left my relationship and became a single parent. Each situation is different!

I wouldn’t be facilitating ex to see my child in my own home. He needs to sort himself out.

You need to have give and take with your friends, however it sounds like they are listening to your troubles, but it's not reciprocated.

They're not going to complain to you about any of the difficulties of coparenting with a spouse (and there can be a lot of hard things about it!) if they think you won't be at all sympathetic because in your own words your life is always harder than theirs, unlike theirs which is obviously easy and plain sailing.

Maybe they were kept awake last night by someone else snoring, or their in-laws drop by unexpectedly twice a week, or they can't agree on what time bedtime is / who gets to use the car on weekdays / whether to give their child medication / how to discipline / household finances / what is fair / if they have to use precious weekend time to go to visit those friends of his that she doesn't particularly like...

We have more than one child - some of whom have special needs. We both work full time in very demanding jobs, and have absolutely no support or family help. We have no time for ourselves at all and I was very close to a breakdown last year as a result. Even family days are difficult because of the needs of some of our children.

I feel for single mums when they are not supported but no, married couples do not necessarily have an easy time of things just cause there are two people rather than one.

It's not about who has it harder. It's about everyone being entitled to have struggles and a whinge. It sounds like your friend is saying you don't leave space for them to talk about their lives. Or make them feel that they can't possibly need to moan.
Your single parent-hood being harder doesn't mean that your friends don't need an outlet to talk about some of their frustrations or struggles. It's a very self centred view you've described here.

I have a disabled child, our life (as a couple) is very hard and filled with struggles and frustrations. Particularly around our child's development.
But my friends still talk to me about their issues, issues with their kids that would almost seem trivial in comparison sometimes.
Just because my (and your) 'threshold' for struggles is higher than theirs doesn't detract from their needs.

It's good your friend has felt comfortable to come to you about this. Maybe try to ask about them all how things are before you start moaning next time, give your friends a turn to chat without comparing it your single parent life.

YABU

I watched single parent friends get tons of support from family, other friends who were much more likely to step in and give that person a break as opposed to me as part of a couple. I had no parents/family who took DC over night where as single parents could arrange for ex to take the weekend leaving them free for nights out/lie ins. Every situation is different, every one struggle’s sometimes. Kids grow up and we all have to get on with it.

My husband has always been a real team player but had to work away from home much of the time when the children were small. I did get a little fed up with single friends assuming we had it easy because there were two of us.

I think this is a life lesson OP. I’m retired but have a good social life and get very irritated by people who approach every group meeting as an opportunity to ‘open wine & start moaning’. I know several people with whom I can spend an entire lunch/coffee date etc without the words “and how are you?” ever passing their lips. It’s like a monologue! I’m not saying that you’re like this at all but the ability to show an active interest in others is a valuable skill.

But again, those are 2 different things. You can feel you have a massive gap, but it doesn’t mean others have masses of support.

I’m married and have a nearly 2 year old. In his first year my husband was seriously ill. To be honest at some points it would have been easier to be a single parent, as I would have only been caring for myself and baby! Rather than myself, baby, husband, and worrying would husband get better.

you are coming across as rather self centred and really not having empathy for other people’s situations/ the ability to imagine how it is for others.

@notanothernana most people have some emotional intelligence to not complain about their child refusing their dinner when their friend has just unloaded about being a single parent

The friend isn’t being unreasonable for stating the obvious

@BusyMummyWrites01 now imagine doing all that but on your own, no metal, emotional or physical support. It’s all hard but the challenges of sole parenting are difficult to understand until you’re doing it

Until about a year ago (when my husband started getting his arse in gear and started to be more involved) then I actually found it easier when he wasn't about.
Financially he contributed - I was higher earner but we still needed both incomes. No idea on your financial situation - could be worse as a single parent, but it's also possible that a couple can have a lower income than one person.
But when he was away for work family life was hugely easier than when he was around. There was still stress, but worse with him there.

You don't know everyone's personal situation, but you are totally unreasonable to assume everyone else has it easy.

Even if both parents are fully involved they are still allowed to find it hard.

Having done both, I can confirm that life as a single parent is 10 times easier. I left my ex when DS was 20 months old and I can’t tell you how much easier life got. One less person to look after, the house stayed clean and tidy, less washing, less cooking, less cleaning. And only myself to please.

It ultimately comes down to how useful the partner is. My ex spent all his time at work or collapsed on the sofa when he got in late. Having had a second child with a very supportive partner who pulls his own weight, the difference is stark. So it very much depends on the person

Speaking with experience from both sides …

I understand your point that in theory those in a couple should have it easier but it just doesn’t seem to work like that for lots of people.

i found parenting with my partner harder than I’ve ever found parenting on my own. There was more mess and zero help, another string to the mental load bow to deal with, more financial strain (still only on my salary) and also the constant frustration that I wasn’t getting the help i should be from him.

in addition i feel like society is more accepting of being flexible when you are a single parent, if my daughter was ill when in a relationship it would be frowned upon for me to work from home or take time off, but as a single parent its just accepted that that is my only choice.

different battles in different circumstances but I don’t think you can categorise it as single parents always have it harder and those in couples always have it easier.

No one has the right to say that someone else's life is easier! We all have struggles.

I used to smile inwardly to myself when parents of one baby moaned as I had twins and a husband who worked away a lot. I had to remind myself that we are all different and struggle/cope in different ways. At the time I was sleep deprived and probably being a bit unfair. I also loved the baby stage and didn’t really find it as hard as some. The toddler years were worse for me - two children charging in opposite directions!!

if your friends are feeling uncomfortable voicing their experiences then you are definitely being a bit unfair to them and need to watch how you word things.

All that said, of course being a single parent is tough. I’m sure you are doing a great job x