AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

I’ve been in a couple with children , then a single parent, then in a couple again with more children of our own and it entirely depends on each individual situation.

Being in my first relationship with 2 children was hell on earth because he made it that way, i did everything alone anyway as long as do everything for him (stupidly). Being a single parent after that was an absolute breeze!

Then being in this relationship now has its own complications i suppose in that you’re juggling 2 schedules, 2 lots of work, commitments etc but emotional the load is a lot lighter so I really think it depends OP.

Either way, it is what it is, and you do sound as though you’re being a little bit of a martyr -
you’ve got a very young child so everything you’re feeling now is temporary.

I think your friend doesn't take into account the annoyance you are having with a rubbish ex and presumably a rubbish partner in the past.

Of course everyone can moan and vent, life is not a fluffy pillow and sometimes something looks harder that they really are.

They find stressful their parenting, so you do, what is the problem?

It’s hard work raising small children and juggling life in any scenario. Yours certainly sounds tiring and a lot to manage. Try listening to your friends with empathy. Maybe their situations sound to you less tough than your own, but maybe they’re still tough. One advantage you have over them is that you’re making all the decisions about how to parent (at least under your roof), how to prioritise and organise your time etc, whereas your friends will be negotiating these things with another person and often finding difference in expectations or other tensions.

Even with a partner us women are still saddled with nearly all the work I've done both single parenting and as a couple and honestly see barely any difference only having a partner and still doing it all adds extra stress and frustration , most days I'd honestly rather be single because that way I'm not expecting anyone else to do anything and getting wound up when yet again it's left to me

Worse it's definitely worse at least alone we know we only have ourselves to rely on if we don't don't do it it won't get done having a partner that doesn't pull their weight is beyond aggravating
( supposed to be in reply of secondusernameforme)

I can see from both sides here. Yes you have it hard doing it on your own, my mother was a single mum to 5 kids to a deadbeat, so I have seen first hand how hard it is for single parents of any kind doing it all on their own. I am a mother of soon to be 2 beautiful babies. I have a wonderful hands on dad to my boys and he is the most involved dad you can have and he’s the most loving and supporting husband so I am very lucky. However, because I have all of that I still have days where it’s hard, my partner works 50+ hour weeks leaving me to have our toddler most of the week, he misses out on family meals, bathtime and bedtimes, so when he’s off work he embraces it all. So he has those struggles on missing out on things and that’s hard on Him. The only proper time he gets are his days off and when he books holidays off from work. It’s also hard on me having a toddler hitting the stage of pushing boundaries and learning what he can and can’t do and what’s safe and isn’t, as well as keeping on top of housework, while making sure I’m looking after myself and my pregnancy as I have gestational diabetes, sciatica through pregnancy and pelvic girdle pain. I’m currently on sick leave before maternity starts but I was also working 2 days a week which was my partners days off to have our toddler. So yeah even tho you have your hardships and struggles, maybe be abit more understanding of others as you never know what’s going on behind closed doors fully. Also just a thought, maybe stop and listen to your friends once in a while and try to understand their troubles. Everyone has them not just yourself.

People all struggle in different ways. You dismissing your friends' problems is self centred and suggestive of not being that good a friend

You sound absolutely unbearable.

I’ve done it both ways, I honestly found it easier as a single parent, there was only myself and the babies to look after, I didn’t have to worry about sharing expenses, worry if we/he was coming home to a bomb sight, no schedules to align, not worrying I wasn’t putting enough effort into my relationship, I throughly enjoyed it.

Having been married with 2 children, then divorced and sole parented for 5 years then remarried, I would say there are some things that are easier in a relationship with kids and some that are easier being single parent. I think the toughest thing I found as a single parent was the sheer among of time in my own company, it’s lonely and isolating. Kids went to bed when young by 7:30-8 the the whole evening spans ahead of you by yourself. Likewise when they go to their dads there is sound solo time. Even when had kids at weekends it always felt like everyone is with their families at weekends, so loneliness was the toughest thing. However being in a relationship with kids either with the children’s bio parent or step parent also brings other challenges. So on balance no one way with easier or harder. Also a lot depends on the factors of the personalities involved.

You're making huge assumptions. You're assuming that their partners are actually doing something other than adding to their workload. You only need to read a few posts on MN to see that, for some women, a lot in my circle, the distribution of labour in the household is unfair. They are living in the 1950s, doing all the childcare and housework while also working full time. Unfortunately, having a partner doesn't mean you have a partnership.

I'd say that you friend is gently telling you to read the room.

I parent three children alone, one of those is severely disabled.
Most of the time I cope fine, but there are days when I would give anything just to have someone to share the load with, a shoulder to cry on etc etc.
It's that feeling of being alone that hurts more than anything during the tough times.

That said, I am in a better position than I was a few years back when I was trapped with a highly abusive partner/ father of my children.
I am so thankful that I finally found the courage to break free, and in all honesty I would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life alone as my son's carer.

As a single parent where the father is not involved, I can appreciate you saying how hard life is. However I think you are being inconsiderate to think that your friends don’t have problems too just because they have two parents and they should be able to talk about whatever is concerning them. You should listen to them and allow them to talk because that’s what a good friend does. It isn’t a competition about whose life is the hardest.

Everyone's situation is different and to say a couple raising one child have it easy is very narrow minded of you.

Until recently myself and my partner, we are together, raise our 3year old together. We care for him along with working full time, my partner 37.5hrs a week, myself a minimum of 42.5hrs a week (I worked Flexi hours), it was hard at times, really hard, when stressed with work, toddler tantrums, life admin to sort, shopping to do etc. there was no time for me to have any time to myself at all.

3yo is now at school mornings Mon to Friday, and we have a new born, so it's no easier, I Def couldn't manage two alone, but your not looking after 2, just one.

To be so "poor me" without considering other people's situations, doesn't make you a great friend/listener, it's not a competition, we all have different struggles at different times, it's what we have to do as parents.

You need to tell him to sort his sh!t out immediately instead of sitting there all meek and taking his b0llocks remind him this is supposed to be a FAMILY holiday and all he's done is leave you with the kids while he gets w@nkered he might be having the time of his life but he's ruining it for everyone else and if it carrys on he's going to be going home single and he can be a selfish pr!ck all he wants then .
You seriously need to be firm with this one not let him walk all over you while making a huge tit out of himself the only embarrassing thing is not standing up for yourself and allowing him to bully you , YOU are not the embarrassment here he is

The struggles are different. My DH works long hours so I do the majority of the childcare, cooking, homework etc. I do the breakfast rush, the bedtime routine etc. But if I need him to just be there while I pop to the shops so I don't have to take DC then I can at least on the days he WFH.

On the other hand I have an extra person I have to plan around, when is he WFH, when is he in the office, who is eating at what time each night.

Then there is always the compromise, when we do have a moment because DC is asleep we have to agree on what to put on the TV, or what to do, or go our separate ways to do what we want to, but not too often or what's the point of being a couple. So the free time is never truly your own.

Then there are always the small differences in parenting, again, compromise to ensure that the kids are getting the same message, talking to ensure you are on the same page.

I would not want to be a single parent, I love my family as it is. But I wouldn't say it is easier. When DH is away it doesn't feel any harder, just difference.

The big advantage of parenting as a couple who work well together is emotional support. When DC is ill we are both there to share the worry etc.

And I'm sorry to say that at late primary I still find the involvement very, very full on. Driving to clubs, supervising homework, cooking, keeping clothes washed, keeping on top of the endless diary of school requirements.

Its fun though.

If someone is getting that much input from their DH then obviously it’s going to be easier than being a single parent but in my experience the majority of fathers don’t have the time or inclination to do as much your DH. Not that they don’t care but if they’re busy earning money to support their family they’re often tired and then a good portion just don’t fall that far along the spectrum of being inclined to do as much as your DH. Not to mention those that are positively unhelpful (you’ll still see these fathers plastered over FB or in public looking like the most involved loving fathers in the world despite the reality behind closed doors being very different ) These aren’t just isolated cases, this is very very common. When I was single parent I was amused and slightly perplexed that so many of my married friends actually admitted they were jealous of me. It wasn’t until I was brining up a child in a relationship that I totally understood. When you are in a good relationship it is easier but it still rare to have someone as involved as your DH

Agree with most of the posters here - that you have a skewed perception.

I have two teens on the spectrum, one with significant MH issues, but am happily married. We both find it excruciatingly hard and at times have wondered whether our marriage would last or whether, by divorcing, it would free one of us to have something akin to normal. Both my kids will eventually go to university (although we suspect one will live at home for most of that time), so its not a SEN scenario, but we do not anticipate one of them ‘leaving home’ [or, thus, ‘Parenting’ to be over ever].

Even amongst my friends with NT kids, struggling with two working parents, elderly/sick parents, cost of living concerns, health concerns as they age (breast cancer, etc) and the usual puberty/exam/post covid stuff has been extraordinarily stressful.

Parenting is hard. Doing it alone is hard. Doing it with someone else and sharing the joint but additional burdens that brings is hard.

Anyone who claims it’s easy (over an 18-21year period) is either deluded or lying. But what keeps us going is that we love our kids and the stress is balanced (mostly) by the love and the fun moments they bring, their successes and watching them grow into young adults both because of AND in spite of us. That, and wine.

I’ have a partner but we have 3 children, two being under 3, my partner works M-F out before we wake up and when he gets home he’s knackered but does still pull his weight reasonably. That means I am parenting two young children alone for 12 hours a day 5 days a week. Add onto that I work nights twice a week, neither younger child sleeps, and I still have to manage the household, cooking, cleaning, laundry. It’s bloody hard hard work! Yes being a solo parent of course is challenging but doesn’t mean couple parents have it plain sailing!

I had 2 children with a man who thought that good parenting involved going to work at 8am after getting himself up, coming home at 5 to shower and change and then going out to pubs and activity clubs till close to midnight. Add to this the fact that he was very tight with money and resented spending time with his children...I didn't tell people as I was married and everyone assumed I was OK. He's been gone for many years now thank god but being in a dysfunctional couple can be just as hard as being a single mum

The thing that sticks out to me is why doesn't your ex have stuff to care for his child at his own house so he can have proper, regular access and give you the opportunity to have a break?

sorry, haven't read the whole thread but I have a friend who is a single mother by choice. And about 6 months in, she told me that listening to her NCT buddies she is 100% certain that her life is easier than theirs!

Obviously, not the case across the board. But no, being single is NOT always harder.

How would you feel if another single Mum said to you:

”It must be plain sailing for you, your ex contributes financially and he has your child one day a week. I don’t get any money from my ex and he never sees our 3 kids. It’s much harder being me and your life looks easy to me.”

That’s how your friends will feel about you.

There are always people who have life easier and harder than you, regardless of their relationship status. Friends listen to each others troubles and offer empathy and support, regardless of whether you deem their troubles easier than your own.

Also, I think OP that you need to realise that whether or not someone else's life is objectively easier or harder than yours, doesn't mean they don't have the right to express that disatisfaction or stress. And it sounds like that's what's been happening - your friends don't feel comfortable telling you when things are hard for them.

It's like the competitive tiredness thing - I have zero time for working parents who pooh pooh non parents in the office if they complain they're tired. It's such bollocks. Just because you don't have a baby, doesn't mean you can't be tired, whether or not you are AS tired is irrelevant, you're still feeling it.