AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

@sunnydayhereandnow agree with you here. If someone struggles with stuff generally, they would struggle being a parent whether single or not

My husband worked such long hours that I effectively felt like a single parent to my toddler and baby, one year apart in age. And I had no nearby family or close friends in the area who could lend a hand.

There are so many factors to consider. The number of kids you have, their ages, their sleep patterns and behaviour… Parenting is tough!

It’s not a competition - and you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. People have all sorts of struggles that they don’t necessarily talk about.

I’ve been a single parent for twelve years and now and again I’m still envious of those in couples, just for the perceived support they have at home. It flared up again over the past year when my mum died and I lost my support.

It is hard work being a single parent. There is no let up. You have to be the one who works to support the home but you also have to be the one making all the decisions about home life while juggling what the day throws at you all such as illness. It does feel overwhelming at times.

However I also listen to friends complaining about their partners and realise there is a whole other set of expectations when you are with another adult too. Life with children is hard work for everyone but it does get easier as they grow in independence.

I am a single full time working mother to 2 DC aged 5 and 9. It’s hard. I had a bout of food poisoning a couple of weeks ago and was curled up on the shower at 2am vomiting and shitting myself while hoping not to wake the kids up and I did feel very alone!

It is however preferable to being married to the man who gave me a black eye when DS was a week off his first birthday for being told it was his turn to get up to the baby.

I’ve never felt more alone than when I was living in an abusive relationship and felt unable to tell anyone.

Depends on your partner and relationship. For some people, having a second parent in the house makes it easier (but by no means plain sailing...I think that is reserved for those who can afford nannies, cleaner and cooks) but for others, it's just another person they have to cook and clean for. I know several single parents who say life got sooo much simpler once their partner was no longer complicating daily life. 🤷‍♀️

As with most things, you can't generalise.

Of course it’s not plain sailing for basically anybody. I have huge respect for friends handling it as a single parent and I am very lucky with my partner, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy

My ex didn’t pull his weight at times. Things like not helping prep bags, lunchboxes, outfits - even helping in the morning. He was good at dinner (if it was spelled out to him) and laundry/vacuuming to give him his due but I had the whole mental load of grocery shopping for example so ended up getting meal kits as it made life easier, if more expensive. To be honest, my life is often easier without him in it but my children are older now.

Also I don’t want to join the Suffering As A Competitive Sport competition but having a husband who works away is not the same as being a single parent, especially when the split has been acrimonious or as a result of an abusive relationship. Yes some of the logistics are the same but you have spousal support from afar (as opposed to someone actively working against you or telling you what a bitch/bad parent you are), you have someone to share news about the kids, presumably you have some sort of financial cushion if your partner is working.

I have done both being a single parent and now a parent with my partner together and I actually find it harder being in a couple. That maybe one night a week you have when do couples get them? My parents are too old and everyone else has there own children now so we don't even get one night, I do all the stuff you are doing but don't even get one day or night and partner helps but is always at work and misses bedtime. I think you need to realise how actually lucky you are to get that odd one night when some people aren't even getting that.

Everything’s relative isn’t it? If someone is finding something tough you offer them support and sympathy, not “well I don’t know what you’re moaning about I’ve got it way more harder than you”.

I can understand single parenthood is a whole new level of difficult, but that doesn’t negate how someone in a couple is feeling and how difficult their life is FOR THEM.

Why don't you say something then?

Omg it’s really narrow minded to think that things are plain sailing as a couple, it really isn’t. It’s usually both rushing around to work, tag teaming the kids.
yes I agree NOW that I think one child is easy, relatively cos I have two and we find that sooo much harder than one. But my friends with one kid would definitely be pissed off if I generalised their life was easy cos it’s far from as linear as that. There’s so much more to the black and whiteness of the situation. Other caring responsibilities, some with special needs kids.
i ageee it is way easier than multiples and me and my hubby joke about jt but I completely get where your friends coming from x

Unless your friends are moaning about their diamond shoes being too tight, you are being wholly unreasonable. I would distance myself from a friend who constantly told me "I've got it worse than you" every time I expressed a concern about my life. Thats not friendship- it's a misery top trumps game.

Your friend has given you a kind heads up that people are getting fed up of it so you have two choices here- carry on doing what you are doing and lose friends as a result or, do a bit of self reflection and adjust your mindset and develop some empathy. Friendship isnt about arguing who has it worse - its about mutual support, care, and respect for each other's feelings.

I fell apart when I had DC1. Loving partner, supportive family - regardless of that I was an absolute fucking mess and needed my friends to help me navigate through the dark days.

Yes, it's harder for you but no, it's not easy just because there's more help.

I voted YABU because it’s not a competition.
Yes it’s harder to parent alone, but no it isn’t “easy” or “plain sailing” to parent with two either. I sympathise with you because it must be very tough but it sounds like you are very resentful towards your friend just because she has her child’s Dad at home. She is picking up on this resentment and if you’re not careful she won’t consider you a friend much longer.

The best way that I can put it is - It’s very hard to climb Mount Everest, but of course it would be even harder to climb it with no shoes on. It doesn’t mean however that people who climb in hiking boots find it easy!

What if you had a friend who was a single parent, and her child had additional needs, and her partner was never around and didn’t pay her a penny. Would that be harder? If she said to you- well you can’t complain because I have it so much harder, would you be fine with that?

Haven’t read the whole thread but you are absolutely and completely unreasonable for behaving like you’re the only one that’s got it hard and that the entire universe should revolve around you.

It comes across a little bit like you are being a martyr OP. Being a single parent IS hard though. But your small child not staying with their dad more often just because “there isn’t the right stuff at his” is really odd. 17 month olds don’t need anything at all except clothes, nappies and food.

They don’t need prams, they don’t need toys, they don’t need special feeding implements, they don’t need a special bed or monitors or anything. He can take his child more often and for longer, and you can take some time back for yourself.

The only real difference in a couple is that it is possible to get a bit of headspace. But in our case, we both work, although I'm part time, DD goes to nursery.

On a morning because of DHs commute he has to leave before nursery opens so all nursery runs are on me before I then have to walk the dog and get myself to work. He also gets back later, not through choice I might add, so although he aims to do the pick up I often need to because of traffic. Which means I finish work, walk the dog again (v high energy breed, which we had before child), prep anything I can for dinner then go get DD. Sometimes if I've had a later finish I have to finish work and go straight for her.

Then, much like with yourself, it's dinner, bath, bed, housework, MAYBE a bit of downtime if all goes to plan, bed for us then start all over again.

So yes, some elements are easier when there's two of you. But my DD is fairly happy, easy going and easy to deal with and it's still full on all day. So it's only because we can each take a job when we're both in the house that makes it physically easier than for a single parent.

I imagine your mental load is higher as you're taking on all the worries as well as all the jobs.

However, people have different worries and problems. Couples are obviously going to have issues between themselves, at least sometimes, because no two adults can live together and not occasionally fight. You don't have that to deal with day to day. Additionally, their child may not be happy and easy going. They could be prone to illness. They could have additional needs.

Everyone is in their own situation. No one situation is perfect. And no one person handles things the same.

You have a very "hard done by" attitude. Yes you're in a hard situation, but so are many others. Try and see the positives rather than always expressing the negatives.

Not all single parents are equal either.

Not all get maintenance

Not all have another parent that's involved at all

Some might have another parent that's abusive

Some might have support from family, some not

Some might be in good financial situations, some not

Some might have mental health problems

OP sounds like you are in survival mode and your mindset is focused on your own struggles. Would it help you to know that’s lots of relationships are truly shit. And even in the good ones there can be a huge discrepancy on who does the majority of the unpaid grunt work!

I spent several years as a single parent and found it easier than being in a shit relationship. Much easier knowing night shift is on you as the only adult rather than someone thinking there sleep is more important or that they shouldn’t do mornings cos they chose to stay up till 3am watching tele.

Is there anything you can do to make your life easier / more enjoyable?

And lastly I had a friend who everything was harder / worse etc for. I don’t doubt she really struggled mentally but I did have to distance myself as she was draining my energy and I was getting less and less from spending time with her.

I don’t think in friendships it matters who objectively has it harder, your friend mentioned this to you and you should take it on board. I’m a SAHM with a husband and once dared to mention I was a bit tired to a friend who works (and asked how I was). ‘Well yes but I’m ACTUALLY tired, I go to work all week AND have children’. I’ve no doubt she was exhausted but her attitude was upsetting. We’re not that close anymore.

It's never equal and a lot of women do the sole care for a child as well as work, clean etc. Do you think your child's father would step up if you were together?... certainly doesn't sound it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - just wrong for trying to make something objective that isn't. It's just not objective because parenting is so different. Parenting is hard and easy in many contexts and different people will find bits easier and bits harder. Being a single parent to a baby who sleeps through at 6 months, probably way easier than being part of duo parents who doesn't get a night of uninterrupted sleep for 3 years! Being a single parent to a child who pretty much eats anything once they are weaned, way easier than being a duo parent of a child who is allergic to multiple things! But then obviously both of these could be the other way round. There is no way of saying overall it's easier or harder, because it depends on so many factors!

Again of the view it's not a race to the bottom. You have tactfully been told that you appear to think you have a monopoly on finding life difficult, if you want to continue to be friends the you need to take what they say on board. Some people will fall away as your life changes though & that is just how it works.
Some aspects of parenting are easier with one others with two, but to be honest life just throws stuff at you & you never know what others are dealing with behind closed doors.
My husband worked away a lot, then he was home because he was terminally ill. He died when my youngest was 10, is life easy? No but if I spent it telling everyone how hard it is for me compared to them I would be utterly miserable