Read partners phone... its bad

[Honeymonster2]

I've gone through my partners phone (together 9 years, 4 kids) because I suspected he'd taken drugs on Friday night, just in the living room while me and the kids were in bed... turns out yes he had done that and also messaged a prostitute at 5.30am to see about meeting her and then he's backed out saying delete my number.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

I'd start by emailing myself screenshots, so he can't delete the evidence.

Yes, get the evidence and then kick him out.

Sorry op. Was it coke ? That stuff turns people into the worst version of themselves. I agree with pp, get the evidence sent to your phone so he can't deny it and confront him.

Yes I sent myself the screenshots and copied her number... half of me wants to ignore it. I financially rely on him. Other parts of me wants to confront him straight away.

Yes it was, he's already an alcoholic, although he doesn't think he is and gambles a bit as well...

Not a keeper then!

Well, clearly you can't just forget about it. I wouldn't tell him you know yet though until you've figured out how to leave him.

Do you work at all? How much access to finances do you have? Do you claim the child benefit?

How reliable is he financially if he is either gambling or drinking his money away. Or using it to buy drugs or pay for sex. That doesn’t sound like it leaves much to support four children

You're financially dependent on someone who is a financial liability. Find some paths to independence and get away.

Evidence. ? It’s not a criminal trial you can leave someone any time you wish, and she knows. She does not need to keep evidence.

How old are you both op? Are they his children? Is he employed or self employed?

You need to start sorting yourself out by getting a job and being independent. As things stand you are very vulnerable financially, to put it mildly. Not being married effectively leaves you entitled to little or nothing.

So he is a drug-taking alcoholic with a gambling habit who messages prostitues. Does he have any redeeming features?

You need to start making steps towards becoming financially independant of him and leave.

Of course she does, when he starts to gaslight her into saying it never happened she has the proof there, in black and white.

Well ok, assuming she doesn’t know her own mind and will struggle with that.

Alcoholic
Drug User
Gambler
Cheat
Prostitute User

1 of these alone would be enough for me to leave. Conscious of the fact you have 4 young kids and are reliant on him financially but this cannot be a good example fir your kids.

Check the CMS calculator, child benefit, universal credit etc. Talk to a solicitor etc. Find out what you would be entitled to and find a way to make it work without him.

Are you married? You use the term partner but I'm not sure whether you're actually married (relevant to split process... obviously you need to exit this relationship asap).

Sounds like you've never been in this situation, lucky you. If course she needs evidence. People who behave like this will lie. It may not seem like a big deal, but when you're fighting for custody of your kids and he's making out you're a crazy lady who makes things up and the judge is believing this oh so charming man, you'll wish you'd kept evidence.

Imo going through his phone and invading his privacy is neither here or there when he puts your sexual health at risk by potentially having sex with someone else, even more so when he’s paying for it from a sex worker.

How you choose to get rid of him is of course entirely up to you, but you absolutely should. If and when you do confront him with what you know, don’t let him turn it round on you because you searched his phone. Just don’t. Once you do, he will probably feel vindicated in some way: yes he tried to engage the services of a sex worker but mY wIfE iS sO mEaN sHe WeNt ThRoUgH mY pHoNe. Seen this so many times, my experience and people I know 🙄

Yes, clearly I know it's not a criminal trial. But doesn't take much for him to delete it and then try and gaslight the OP.
The fact she's asking Mumsnet what she should do indicates she does not necessarily know that she can leave for whatever reason or feel that she has the confidence to do so. She's asking for advice... Which I gave. Have you got any advice for the OP?

Druggie, alacoholic, gamber & messages prostitutes ... Interesting.

personally wouldnt want to date someone on that level

To quote an oft used Mumsnet phrase...

''Into the bin with him''

Cocaine can turn people into such arseholes - it really is a vile drug.

Cocaine and sleazy sex and alcoholism and gambling. a quadruple whammy of 'Into the bin with him'

Nothing to do here but divorce.

Are you married OP? Can you afford to leave?

He sounds like bottom of the barrel stuff for sure.
Why would someone really seek to have four children with such a prince amongst men?
He takes the biscuit. 🍪

@Honeymonster2 please listen to what everyone has said.

Get rid seriously, there is a better man out there for you, you deserve more than this