Read partners phone... its bad

[Honeymonster2]

I've gone through my partners phone (together 9 years, 4 kids) because I suspected he'd taken drugs on Friday night, just in the living room while me and the kids were in bed... turns out yes he had done that and also messaged a prostitute at 5.30am to see about meeting her and then he's backed out saying delete my number.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

It does not help, and I could be completely wrong. That he chickened out of seeing hte prostitute probably means he has never seen one. I know of a couple of men who use prostitutes and do so regularly, most never have (my impression).
That said, it does not really help nor balance everything else out.

Alcoholic
Drug User
Gambler
Uses prostitutes

What other reasons do you need?

It will only get worse/get harder, saw it with dh's mum when she wouldn't leave her alcoholic husband while he was functioning and bringing lots of cash. They don't function for ever.

Children get irrecoverably damaged in that environment, especially as they become older and the dependent mum starts to turn to them as her next crutch.

Short term making big changes will be hard, but you need to change something for your children's long term future.

No it really does not redeem the situation.

please get yourself an STI check & work on your self esteem

The evidence isn't for the courts. It's for the OP for when he tries to gaslight her that she's wrong and this didn't happen.

Which part of "how" OP has got 4 children with him are you unclear about?

I wish girls could be educated about this kind of thing at school. There are depressingly too many similar threads like this on mumsnet.

I have no useful advice @Honeymonster2. I hope you can find a way out of this dreadful situation

You say he has done other things and the advice from forums has always been to leave him. I think you know what you need to do - posting different threads every time and then ignoring the advice/your gut feelings, isn't going to achieve anything. Sorry to sound harsh, I know it's easier said than done, but only you can decide if this is the life that you want.

So he's an alcoholic, gambles, does drugs, messages prostitutes and has 4 children (does he provide for them?)

OP you need to run, not walk away.

Agree with above, girls should be made to read Mumsnet posts daily, particularly the Relationship and Step Parenting boards. I am so depressed by these ensless threads of women stuck with deadbeat men.

I wish you the best Op and hope there is a way out for you and the children.

The worst part of this is the coke in the house. Your eldest can only be 8 or 9, so any one of your little kids could accidentally find / take some. Then what?

This. You need to protect your kids.

Perfectly true but it will guard against him trying to gaslight her.

The prostitute thing suggests a worrying attitude to women in general & to you in particular.

If you were my daughter, and all I knew about him was from this post, I'd be doing all I could to help you get away from him.

I've tried almost every drug, none have ever made me ring a prostitute, so don't accept that as an excuse for his behaviour.

I kept the evidence for the exact reason a pp said around gaslighting and went back to it several times when I was feeling weak about getting back with him!

Sounds classy.
Sorry OP but who picks this for themselves when deciding to start a family.

I’d financially disentangle yourself from him asap. This can only go downhill unless he gets serious help immediately. If he won’t engage you could well end up homeless. My alcoholic ex husband burnt through so much money and almost bankrupted me.

We've been together 9 years but he was my first real relationship

It sounds like you have no real idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Please leave him. He’s a cunt.

The alcoholic drug-using compulsive gambler backed out of using a prostitute. Big Wow. You do know as bad as it is now, it can only get worse?

OP you’ve been with your partner for 9 years and have 4 children with him. That’s a lot of history and a lot of people affected by your decisions.
Do you jointly own your own home or do you rent it together. You say you are financially dependent on this man and this is obviously affecting you.
It would be sensible to start being more financially independent. He is making bad decisions, choices that are impacting you and your children. Look into your legal rights especially as you are not married. Could he make you homeless if he’s the only one on the mortgage?

I don’t know what you will decide to do but regardless please protect yourself physically and financially

In terms of safeguarding your children, ringing prostitutes is your least concern OP. Allowing them to live with a drug using, alcoholic, gambler is neglectful /emotionally abusive. I doubt he only gambles a bit. You cannot remain financially dependant on someone with so many addictive habits. Life will come tumbling down for your children, sooner rather than later. Take charge of their destiny. There are lots of people on here who can advise you OP.

He had her number, chances are it's not the first time he's contacted her.

Does that help you see it any clearer?

Everything you accept from him, you are teaching you children is acceptable as an adult and a parent. Do you want one or more of them growing up like him?

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

exactly that.

@Honeymonster2

im sorry he's turned into such a complete waste of oxygen, it's hard. It's understandable whether you still love him or don't. It can go either way. But you cannot stay with him & watch him destroys your kids lives.

yes, you'll need to find a way back into employment BUT for now you just need to get you & your kids away from all of this.

women's aid is probably the best place to start, I assume they'll have someone to help you work out what you're entitled to claim & how to go about it.

Clearly you’ve not been in a similar situation. Addicts are expert liars, bullshitters and gas lighters. If she doesn’t keep proof he will persuade her she imagined it / she’s mentally ill etc

No, and not someone to financially rely on much longer, OP can you find a way to make your own income?

Hi OP.

Sorry for the silly questions, but exactly what is it that you are upset about? And sorry if I am repeating others. I have read your posts but not the whole thread.

You say you suspected he was taking drugs. Why? Did you know he was a drug taker? Did you take drugs with him? If you knew, are you upset that he is taking them now? Did you think he had stopped? Or is it because it was in the house that he did it, while the kids were there?

Do you know if he has used prostitutes before? I am not defending him for contacting one, but he did pull out (no pun intended) before meeting her and told her to delete his number, which may mean that he doesn't want to contact her again.

I am not defending him at all and I am with other people that say you need to manage exiting this relationship, but it would be interesting to know the extent to which these actions were always part of the life of the man you call your partner and have had children with, or whether this is entirely new behaviour.

@Honeymonster2 I'm sure that I recognise your username because something really quite bad has happened prior? Sorry if I got it wrong x

How are you doing anyway? This man is a wrongun. You need rid.