Read partners phone... its bad

[Honeymonster2]

I've gone through my partners phone (together 9 years, 4 kids) because I suspected he'd taken drugs on Friday night, just in the living room while me and the kids were in bed... turns out yes he had done that and also messaged a prostitute at 5.30am to see about meeting her and then he's backed out saying delete my number.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

He sounds like he has zero to offer you. Drugs such as cocaine are really expensive, gamblers can be know to lose absolutely everything, alcoholics in denial is never good.

Prostitute, and you think because he backed out he can redeem himself.

You need to get a job. You need to start becoming financially independent of him. Could you talk to citizens advice about what you might be able to claim?

And going through his phone was so minor, don't let him try and make you out to be the bad one for doing that. He's caught and will be pissed off.

Do you have any family IRL you can talk to?

Neither would most women, but we do not know the circumstances of how the op ended up in this relationship. Hopefully for yourself, you won't. What is important, is what is happening right now for the op, who has four children to consider.

Ok so you know you need to leave. Before kicking him out find out exactly what your financial situation is. Do you work? What can you claim? Do you have family support/ what is your living arrangement? Get yourself first in order and it will help you feel stronger to leave.

@beatrix1234 This country is shit for supporting the career of women with several kids. Many stop working as it is so expensive to have them at nursery. The salary in her case probably is much less than the care of the kids.

Presumably she'd say husband if he was her husband.

I think the only question is do you want to play the long or the short game.

Financially, the best thing you can do is get married. Mentally it's possibly the worst but it depends on whether you have it in you to do four kids single handed. People shouldn't judge you if the answer is 'not now'.

If that's the case and you stay in the relationship you need to be looking at how you become more self reliant in terms of work etc. Try and go to things that will help you make friends etc.

There's no point. He's her partner nor husband. How do you have 4 children with a partner 😢

Let's give OP the benefit of the doubt and assume she found out these things after committing and having children, and decided she didn't fancy trying to send the kids back.

This isn't OPs fault, stop victim blaming.

OK makes sense

Tell me! That’s the reason I don’t have kids: I can’t afford them.

This relationship is never going to go the distance, he sounds like a looser

Start getting your ducks in a row, even if it takes a couple of years
Can you go back to work and start being financially independent

I don’t think I would be able to pretend that I hadn’t seen that on his phone and I would have to confront him……but I don’t know if confronting him would make a difference, he probably wouldn’t change

Has he just started taking coke? Sounds like a strange hobby for a father of 4 to suddenly take up.

You have five kids, one of whom is an adult and a not very nice or responsible one at that.

You know what to do to "redeem the situation", but you are looking for ways to stay with this waste of space. So you will probably stay with him on the basis that you are financially reliant on him. But soon he will have no money and a load of debt due to his lifestyle. Not a good mentor or example for your children is it?

So, stay if you can't see yourself leaving. But why ask us what to do, you KNOW what you SHOULD do, and very soon if not tomorrow. There is a lot of help out there, you will qualify for benefits and so on.

Tough love.

I think you’re wanting validation that because he backed out of the meet up that it’s all ok

It isn’t; he took drugs in a house with 4 kids.

You aren’t married so don’t have a strong case for getting financial support post separation.

I suppose it depends on how much you financially depend on him.

You will likely qualify for social housing with 4 kids and you will get benefits as a single mum. More so if you are disabled or any of DC are (in case you aren’t working due to either of those things??). If any of those apply and you do not have PIP/DLA then please fill in the forms (google how to fill in pip form, disability charities have advice), as having the entitlement means you get more UC etc. You must phone UC within 30 days of DLA/PIP award to have UC backdated to the same time.

What I would advise you do is look at turn2us benefits calculator and put in a couple of scenarios - you as you are with him, you with kids not working, you with kids working part time, you with kids working full time. Keep putting in figures until you find something you could live with.

If he’s bringing in £100,000s and you’re living a champagne lifestyle with designer cars, bags and holidays then you just might have to suffer it if you want to keep that.

But I suspect he is Joe Bloggs bringing in average to good wage so you will probably be financially better off or comparable without him provided he pays child maintenance.

Gross. Make arrangements to end this asap.

Also, get yourself some friends. He sounds like a right dick.

Of course she needs screenshots for evidence - she can use it for grounds for divorce and also to ensure safe custody arrangements for the children. I would argue that this is grounds for the DC not being allowed overnight stays at his.

You didn't do anything wrong looking at his phone OP. You must have had an intuition that he did something like this - seeking confirmation of that makes you a good parent.

Divorce? She's not married,

I was thinking less about him wanting custody, more him wanting to do anything to spite her, and taking her kids is a good way of doing this. If he can get them unsupervised he can start whispering poison in their ears about how mummy cheated and mummy broke up the family and mummy is horrible. Nasty people weaponizing their kids is pretty normal. He may not actually want them, just want to hurt her more than he doesn't want them. Don't ever assume that a nasty man will just gracefully fade away into the background when he could be in your face doing everything he can to get revenge for daring to leave him.

He's a cocaine user, alcoholic with a gambling problem who messages a prostitute and you don't trust him enough that you searched his phone! On the plus side, on this occasion, he didn't actually meet up with the prostitute. Is this the life you want for yourself? Is this what you want your children to grow up thinking is a healthy relationship?

It may prove helpful if there are disagreements about child contact down the line.

Seriously? I doubt he wants to keep the OP and four children, considering his current behavior.

What a stupid comment 🙄

Even one of his issues is reason to leave( not that you need a reason) but together it's a terrible environment for your DC to grow up in
You are financially dependent on a liability
You need to leave for security and stability for your DC and yourself
Is the house jointly owned or his alone?
You MAY have grounds for social housing
If he's abusive( as I suspect he is) Call womens aid for advice
You and DC are extremely vulnerable, and you need to protect them

Just to say this is clearly a terrible situation to be in but perhaps an honest conversation or question is needed. If your partner wants to change ( no drugs booze etc ) and you want to save the relationship then HE must sign up with a support service; you can’t take in his burden to solve this . Support services exist locally everywhere and cost next to nothing .. he needs help and lots of it. If he won’t get real help then he won’t really change . If he does not see the problem or lies or diminish it then you need to ask yourself if this is the role model you want for your children. Surely the best person for your kids is a good clean honest one - those qualities are treasured- not a high lying unreliable one.