Read partners phone... its bad

[Honeymonster2]

I've gone through my partners phone (together 9 years, 4 kids) because I suspected he'd taken drugs on Friday night, just in the living room while me and the kids were in bed... turns out yes he had done that and also messaged a prostitute at 5.30am to see about meeting her and then he's backed out saying delete my number.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

Even aside from the money, stuff has happened in the past and I've asked on forums what to do (I don't have any friends in real life) and it always ends in 'leave him' but this feels worse somehow. Does the fact he backed out redeem the situation?

Answering other questions, we're 35 and 33 and all kids are his. We've been together 9 years but he was my first real relationship. We're not married.

‘Redeem the situation’????? OP, it sounds like you are looking for a reason, ANY reason, not to leave. How can you possibly think this man is a good partner for you or a good father for your children?

Backing out is better than going through with it, but still a deal breaker in my opinion. The fact that he'd consider it shows he has zero respect for you. I get that you have no other long term relationship experience to compare him with, but you really have set the bar far too low for what you'll tolerate in a relationship. Being on your own is better than being with someone like him. Remember your children will grow up with you as their example of what to expect from life, would you want one of them to end up in a relationship like this?

Well done Op. please be careful how you store the evidence. Email may be safer than phone, in case he looks through it. Maybe have a backup place too.

I think you should find someone in real life who you can talk to about this and get support to leave him. Start with Women's Aid. There may also be a local support charity you can contact.

Addicts lie because their fix is the most important thing to them. You can't trust him if you confront him and he makes promises not to do things again/to change, etc. You had suspicions and you were right.

Well thank god you did. Schedule a few STD tests. One immediately and the next a few months out.

Was he like this before you had kids.

@Honeymonster2

Let's imagine you were single and I offered to set you up on a blind date. You ask me about him and I say

Well he is alcoholic, but in denial about it

He does cocaine

He's a gambler

and he's a cheat who very possibly uses prostitutes.

What would you say to me?

I know you have children and that's a big responsibility on your own, but it sounds like you're currently looking after five, not four. What on earth does he add to your life apart from his dubious presence and worry?

This is not a man I'd want as a role model for my young family.

@Honeymonster2 there are plenty of national and local agencies and services that could help you leave him.

in what world is it best for your 4 children to grow up with a drug taking, alcoholic that gambles etc? As they age - can you imagine them bring8mg mates back and sleep overs? Do they learn to tip toe round his emotions and moods etc?

What if he leaves some lying around one time and it’s your kids that take a little ‘sweet’ left lying on a coffee table from one of his late night binges?

How much of the family income is blown on his gambling/drinking and drugs?

The prostitute messages are an absolute side issue when you have all the rest of the stuff going on…

If you are still having sex with him I’d consider an sti test and asking him to use condoms as god knows of this was his first encounter and maybe he’s actually gone through with it in the past.

That's an awful combination but op even if you stay with him and he contuines to use coke,you won't be able to rely on him financially for much longer it's a very expensive habit.

Plus there is the fact he's texting prostitutes behind your back he may have backed out this time but might not the next time.

He backed out not because of you , I’m sorry. Either he was too out of his face or he didn’t want to pay. This isn’t a morals thing. He intended to cheat on you. I doubt this is his first rodeo either. Think about it, if he had the opportunity with any woman in front of him and didn’t have to pay, he’d probably would have.

9 years is along time, I get that. But I get the feeling these 9 years hasn’t been rosy and you’ve probably had issues, but never left. This guy isn’t going to change, and I wouldn’t doubt he hasn’t already been unfaithful.

get your life back.

Mick him out Op. make a claim to CMS and claim universal credit until you get a job and your independence back

Sounds reason enough to leave to me.

Not sure I'd bother confronting about the latest find-to what end?

No it does not 'redeem' him at all

Next time he might not back out at all

Why didn't you take previous advice as he's clearly got worse

You say you're financially reliant on him - are you a SAHM? You say partner, so it sounds like you aren't married?

I'd focus on getting a job ASAP.

Coke, alcoholic, gambler, messaging prostitutes. No op i don't think he has redeemed himself. You deserve better. It's the first time you've caught him, doesn't mean it is the first time he's done it.

Backing out of meeting a sex worker absolutely does not redeem him in any way.

He's a drug addict, an alcoholic, a gambler and likely a cheater. Do you think there is redemption here?

My god I'm sorry, but why are you with this man? He drinks, snorts coke, gambles and then also likes to message prostitutes! Good lord, kick this loser out!

Stop staying in this relationship because of money. I left my ex with 2 kids when I didn't even have a job at the time. I got one, got a flat of my own and it's great (now with new partner).

Listen to your gut, you’re worth more than this. Because this is your first real relationship you don’t know any different, but think of the relationships of your friends and people you know, are their partners like this? And do you really feel any financial stability relying on a man who spends his money on drinking, gambling and taking drugs?

You have your whole life ahead of you, why settle for this useless guy and stay together for the kids when life can be way happier and easier without him dragging you down and eating into your self esteem. You deserve someone who treats you like their whole world and would never dare doing anything that risks losing you

Given his range of expensive vices you can’t rely on him anyway.

It’s not as bad he cancelled her, but you don’t know if he’s already used them and you can’t trust he won’t in the future.
Besides, everything else is bad enough, on its own.

He abuses alcohol
He uses drugs
He gambles

These must affect his personality and his treatment of you. The money spent on this must also impact on you. You and your kids are worth more than this life.

Don’t fall into the trap of the sunk cost fallacy. Reading your posts, it appears his behaviour only has the potential to decline. You’ve had some excellent advice on here that’s worth following. And no, not going through with it doesn’t mean he’s redeemed himself. Would be grant you as much grace if he found out you’d solicited sex but then changed your mind? I doubt it.

I wouldn't confront him. You could put yourself in danger. Speak to Women's Aid and quietly plan your exit. Good Luck OP, you and your DC deserve so much more than this

leave him. you're a fool if you don't and a bigger fool for talking about 'oh he backed out....'. There's no excuse for what he's done.
Do you have any family you can go stay with? Is the house in his name or can you throw him out? Speak to women's aid and see if they can help you get rehoused with the kids. He should not be around those kids at all.