Read partners phone... its bad

[Honeymonster2]

I've gone through my partners phone (together 9 years, 4 kids) because I suspected he'd taken drugs on Friday night, just in the living room while me and the kids were in bed... turns out yes he had done that and also messaged a prostitute at 5.30am to see about meeting her and then he's backed out saying delete my number.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

This.
He's a loser, @Honeymonster2 .

Does he own the house?

Do you have a legal right to stay there?

THIS is why marriage is so important if one is the lesser earner.

When it goes tits up, with marriage you have security.

Why oh why do women have children with a man they are not married to, unless they are wealthy in their own right?

An extremely wealthy {gazillions} daughter of a famous person has children but is unmarried to protect her assets..but generally it's too risky.

You have to find a way to leave him.
This is doing irreparable damage to your children.

What am I supposed to do now? I know I shouldn't have done it. I feel numb.

1. Leave him at once
2. No OP, HE shouldn't have done it.
3. You will feel so much better without this vile man in your life

Well that’s terrible advice - it could be his house for all you know!

One century of feminism and women don't/can't seem to learn that being financially dependent on a man is a very very bad idea. Not trying to victimise the OP or lecture her (god forbid), this is more of a critic towards traditional society's roles on men and women: they don't work. Giving a man the role of financial provider for 5 people is as mentally damaging as putting a woman in a boat where she financially depends on said mentally unhealthy man. It creates stress on the partnership and is detrimental for children who will suffer too the consequences of a dysfunctional family dynamic. I'm seeing too many posters saying "get rid of this man", easy to say but not easy to do when OP has five children with him and is financially dependent. Hugs to her, couples counselling sometimes work so I would encourage her to give it a try. Rehab for him, he needs to take accountability for his actions because they are impacting very negatively on his family.

Alcohol is the primary problem here. Alcoholics start turning to coke so they can keep drinking. Rather than just finally passing out after a bender, they'll artificially prop themselves up with a stimulant like cocaine so that they can keep they party going.
This guy needs rehab and you should liberate yourself from this train wreck.

This ^

LTB

It's good to keep something concrete that you can refer back to, in case there's any gaslighting or denial going on. Even if it's just for yourself. But also if there's an issue with custody.

Well ok, assuming she doesn’t know her own mind and will struggle with that

There's no need for this. OP is in a very stressful situation with someone who has been treating her poorly for years. It's good to have things in black and white, when things are hard.

Small steps, @Honeymonster2

You know you need to change your life. You don't have to do it all at once. You are allowed to do what you need to do over whatever period of time you need.

Use this, use all of us, to sour you on, to imagineer yourself a new future and the small steps you can take to make it a reality.

All you need to believe is that you don't have to spend the rest of your life tied to the mistake you made a decade ago.

Good luck working out how to take that first small change.

Leave

It's a shame your not married because that would have protected you.

But even so your only 9yrs in, get out before it's 30yrs

You need to get rid of him,the only way he is going is down and he will take you with him.At least save yourself and children.

All of this and then some.

Of course it's not his ''First rodeo''.

You need professional advice as to how to move on and away from this awful man.

Looking after five children is hard...I expect you have to cook and clean for him, OP- when you leave, you will only be managing four children.

It must be very unfulfilling living with a gambling , unfaithful cocaine user who is also an alcoholic.

As others have said...would you want your own daughter to be with such a man? of course you wouldn't!

Onwards and upwards!

Oh OP, you’re not married to, are financially reliant upon, and have four children with a gambling, alcoholic user of sex workers.

You have to leave this bottom-dwelling piece of shit. You have to get a job. You have to save your children from this appalling situation.

I think you know you need to leave, but it's a huge change. Remember you don't have to get there in one leap. Small steps. Find someone you can trust to talk to about this. Speak to Women's Aid. Even just getting it clear and fixed in your mind that eventually you ARE going to leave is a huge, huge step, for anyone but especially based on what you've written here. Having people around you who can support you will help you to hold onto that ambition. Then you can start to work towards it via all the practical steps, like housing and income. There ARE ways out, as some here are living proof of. A better life is waiting for you on the other side of this useless hillock of a man 💐

Yes it was, he's already an alcoholic, although he doesn't think he is and gambles a bit as well...

If you know this, then why on earth are you financially dependent on him? Head out of the sand, now!

You've hitched your wagon to a loser of the first degree. Gambling, drinking, using sex workers? Ugh.

If it's your house, get rid of him. If it's his house, find somewhere else to live, move in with family if you can.

I used to would think that about taking screenshots as evidence but given the OP has posted here for advice - like so many others have before her, it’s clear that some people are just stronger than others.

From your update, there have clearly been issues in the past as well. What's the living situation - rent, own, in whose name? Do you have family support? Do you have any reason to stay with him other than financial?

Being a victim of abuse such as coercive control is not the same as "not knowing your own mind", how ignorant.

No it doesn’t redeem him. There are numerous issues here; taking drugs, taking drugs in the same house as his partner and children, alcoholic, gambles, seeking sexual gratification whilst you sleep upstairs. It is too late for him to find a moral compass.

It sounds like you have low self esteem. Find the strength to see you deserve more than this man is offering you.

OP it’s no doubt easy for the armchairs warriors to churn out the usual leave him mantra, as if you can just walk out the door, find yourself a home, and instantly start providing four your four children, as if it’s just a walk in the park. It’s obviously not that easy.
If you really do want to stay with him, and don’t forget you have a choice to do that, it’s essential that he faces up to his drinking and gambling habits. If not, as the more sensible posters have said take time to explore the options and speak to Women’s Aid. You sound as if you need a friend to help you through this and hopefully they can help by pointing you towards the support you need.

Unfortunately coke gives the user, a fuck the consequences attitude. Doubt it will get better.

Custody? I suspect the chances of this man wanting custody of his children or even staying in touch with them after separation are slim.

Has he alienated you from friends? I hope you find the strength to leave him. Even if you take your time to save, see how can you survive financially, get solicitors advise, etc…