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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take time off work to care for DH with gastro

311 replies

Fanningme · 20/01/2024 21:52

I'm due to do a shift tomorrow at work . DH has started with some kind of D & V - It seems pretty bad. I don't think I could go to work knowing DH is at home vomiting with no adult to take care of him - I'd be constantly worrying. My teenager will be in but will probably be asleep mosr of the morning. DH is saying he wants me to stay home to take care of him.

Assuming he's still vomiting tomorrow morning is it reasonable for me to miss work to care for him as I am not ill. Would it be on an unpaid compasdionate leave basis? Sorry - I've never been in this position before.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 21/01/2024 18:22

Is this a joke thread?

TeaGinandFags · 21/01/2024 18:25

I voted YANBU because you may be carrying whatever it is that he's got and pass it onto your colleagues. They will not thank you!

While you're mopping his fevered brow, get him to agree to that holiday in the Seychelles that he's been promising for ages lol.

C00k · 21/01/2024 18:35

You posted a couple of months ago about preparing to divorce the man, why would you want to handle his puke and mop his brow? 🤣 @Fanningme

pollymere · 21/01/2024 18:55

If he's ill enough he can't be left then he should probably be in hospital! I'm sure your teen would wake if he started choking or similar - perhaps ask them to keep an ear out? My teen was fast asleep when I slipped and fell outside my back door. The neighbours came running to the fence but oddly my teen woke up and ran to help me. I was surprised as nothing usually wakes them at all.

Save your unpaid compassionate leave for when you actually need it.

EmeraldA129 · 21/01/2024 19:05

YANBU so long as you don’t expect work to pay you & you let them know you won’t be in asap.

adviceneeded1990 · 21/01/2024 19:06

@gabsdot45 Sorry but I think that’s awful. I had a colleague who was frequently ill throughout pregnancy (severe HG, hospitalised more than once) and her husband 100% needed those days off to care for her and their existing toddler. She literally couldn’t walk to the bathroom unaided, would faint when standing at times and couldn’t raise her head to sip water some days without help. I hope your company checked that the poor man you made unemployed wasn’t in a situation like this one!

On the surface of it the OP is BU but there might be more to the story! My DH has severe anxiety, for example, and struggles to be alone when very unwell.

Toxic presenteeism does nothing for workplaces. We should be normalising carers days, mental health days, sick days with bugs etc to minimise spread. It works for many other countries where they report happier and healthier employees and people!

anon666 · 21/01/2024 19:06

Um you have a teenager in the house. Missing work for this would be certainly unpaid but could also be a sackable offence depending on employer.

@Fanningmea shift worker, presumably someone else has to cover at short notice? Unless you can find someone who will be paid extra to cover?

vickylou78 · 21/01/2024 19:14

Op I'm sure a grownan can look after himself and the teen can help if he's desperate for anything. I imagine if he sets up camp on sofa with the remote and bottle of water he would be fine!

Work would not be impressed if you call in!

Ange1233556 · 21/01/2024 19:16

Ha ha is this a joke?! Absolutely not. I have a vivid memories of having horrific gastroenteritis and breastfeeding my baby sat on the bathroom floor inbetween throwing up. He needs to “man up”. Pathetic

NerrSnerr · 21/01/2024 19:16

Wonder if the roles were reversed whether he'd try and get the day off work to clean the OP's sick bowl?

I really think there are times as adults you need to suck it up, there's a teenager in the house so they can raise alarm if it turns into an actual emergency.

Beautiful3 · 21/01/2024 19:21

That's silly. I've had that, and still expected my husband to go to work. I wouldn't have asked him to stay home! I managed just fine with a sick bowl.

peakygold · 21/01/2024 19:29

Seriously, where have all the cowboys gone?

Purplesilkpyjamas · 21/01/2024 19:43

Fanningme · 20/01/2024 22:00

No additional mobility needs. I guess someone to empty his vomit bucket, get his paracetamol and mop his brow is what he'd require

He sounds pathetic tbh

Purplesilkpyjamas · 21/01/2024 19:49

C00k · 21/01/2024 18:35

You posted a couple of months ago about preparing to divorce the man, why would you want to handle his puke and mop his brow? 🤣 @Fanningme

OP get a grip

Middleagedspreadisreal · 21/01/2024 19:52

Good grief

Twilight7777 · 21/01/2024 19:57

This has to be a reverse surely?

restingbitchface30 · 21/01/2024 20:00

I’ve got the same. It isn’t fun. But I can take care of myself! I’ve just been in bed all day. I’m a SAHM to 18 month old twins who I can’t look after right now though so if I’m still bad my partner will have to stay off tomorrow to take care of them.

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 21/01/2024 20:13

Gymnopedie · 20/01/2024 23:02

DH is saying he wants me to stay home to take care of him.

Is he now? And would he do the same for you if you had D&V and said you wanted him to stay home?

(Answers on a postcard please...)

If he's owt like my exH would he heckers like. Mine would've happily stayed in bed or laid moaning and groaning on the settee whilst I ran around like a silly cow pandering to his every whim. Sitting in A&E for hours and hours upon end because he'd injured himself. Yet when the tables turned and I was the one seriously ill in hospital he refused to stay for more than an hour at a time so he didn't have to pay for parking, and once I was discharged from hospital but still unable to sit or stand for more than a few minutes. Decided it would be the perfect time to take everything out of every draw in the bedroom and drag me off the settee to clean it up so he could have a lay down. Then fucked off to his mum and dads for his tea whilst I was trying to tidy up as quick as I could with a post dural headache.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 21/01/2024 20:25

I wouldn't expect my husband to take time off for me in a similar situation and I know that he wouldn't expect me to. Last year I had double pneumonia after Covid and I was in bed unable to do anything much for myself, could just about drag myself to the en suite 20 feet away and drink from my water bottle. Husband still left me at home to go to work. He regularly checked up on me, but couldn't have stayed off with me the whole time.

payens · 21/01/2024 21:33

OMG he's not a baby

PiersPlowman11 · 21/01/2024 21:51

@gabsdot45 Sounds like the situation was not handled very well at all.

Some women can become extremely unwell during pregnancy and count yourself lucky if you never have to deal with it. Whether this warranted her husband also taking a day off really depends upon the circumstances.

And in any case, if absenteeism was threatening his position, HR should have made this perfectly clear long before he got the chop.

Sounds like you had already decided to sack the guy and this was the perfect excuse.

Thedig · 21/01/2024 22:08

It might be Noro virus, and if so very catching, so you might pass it on to you work mates

Panda59 · 21/01/2024 22:57

He sounds needy. You can't really do anything and the fact he's asked you to stay with him sound childish and Coersive. If you go to work and leave me here all alone then you don't care about me, sort of thing. Or it's you, being a martyr? Sorry, go to work you have a job to do and leave your grown ass man to mop his own brow for gods sake

Mumof2teens79 · 21/01/2024 23:45

I am all for people staying off if sick themselves but staying off if someone else is sick is pointless.
D&V has so many different causes with incubation periods ranging from hours to weeks. You would need to take 3 weeks off to be sure of not passing it on that way.
Certain high risk workplaces may adopt this approach to cut norovirys spread...but people should be aware it won't work for everything.

Redrum22 · 22/01/2024 07:00

Your relationship sounds pretty codependent OP.
I honestly didn’t realised situations like this still existed in 2024…