To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

It sounds really hard, OP. I only have one so have not been through this. But I think you have to persist. He needs you to persist. He's doing this to see if you will persist, if you'll love him no matter how bloody he is. It's a good old-fashioned test, and because he's 3 you can't reason with him, you just have to grit your teeth and keep proving that you love him and want his company even if he keeps saying he doesn't love you or want yours.

(He does. He really does.)

You haven't done anything terrible to him. It's not your fault. It really isn't. So what if you had another baby? Most people do. The vast majority of people have siblings and survive the experience. So will he. Don't torment yourself over this totally normal and uncontroversial decision, ok?

Why does it matter if he prefers his dad? It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he loves his dad more.

As far as he is concerned, he was the centre of your world until the baby came along. From then he got less attention and could see the baby got more. He's too young to understand that was only because babies need more attention. So naturally he has gravitated towards his dad because he thinks his dad has more time for him.

You need to not put adult interpretations onto children's behaviour. This isn't a rejection. He's just trying to get his needs met. Your jealousy is quite dangerous. He will pick up on that as he gets older then there will be the risk of a whole golden child & scapegoat dynamic developing.

I'm with the harsher posts. My first thought when I read the OP was 'blimey, she's got a fragile ego'. You seem to be taking this incredibly personally, OP, as if you were relating to another adult rather than a child, your child - and rejecting him in response to what you have decided is rejection. And you do seem to be posting in hopes that people will say 'oh, poor you, yes, do give up'. You're not going to get that here, though, because the way you are feeling about this and responding to this is not normal. You don't sound properly bonded with him - describing your relationship before dc2 as 'an ok relationship' is very strange wording, more the kind you would use for a colleague, or a sibling you're not close to. You urgently need support, ideally decent, searching therapy.

If your friend was in this position what would you advise? If you wrote her a plan what would be in it? Do this. Hard though it is, you can overcome this. Start by seeing him as a child who has a big worry inside him, and this pushing away is because of that. Once you reframe it, you can start to the connection to the emotions underneath. What children display on the outside, is not always what they feel on the inside. They might not have the words to articulate or even recognise their emotions, and need help.
If this was my friend, I would talk about their day to day patterns, and ways to build in small extra interactions, that are fun and routine. Lots of positive praise too.
Obviously larger chunks of 1-2-1 too.
As the baby gets older they become more interesting, and that will also help bond you as a family. You can do this.

You sound incredibly detached and not quite rational OP. Please do speak to your health visitor.

I think you should speak to your gp, possibly post natal depression? I feel for you, but the way you’ve spoken, I think it’s worrying for your little boy, he’s only 3 😔

Honestly he’s three. Make sure you spend some time alone with him, some time together and set boundaries.
it will be a distant memory in a 5 years.

Oh and don’t make a big deal about it

I thought he must have been a teenager from OP, not 3! You can't give up on a close bond with a 3 year old. What, like just write the parental bond off as a bad job? At age 3? You're the grown up, the parent, you need to work on your relationship with him. Really put the work in.

Not necessarily, boys get an increase on testosterone when they are 3-4 years old and start looking for male models. Then again when they are tweens. At that time they look up at older kids and male adults.

They will be waxing lyrical about dad, coach, older brother, etc.

OP, it’s not difficult to change it though. You consistently need to enforce it which feels shit, when he complains, but it will stick. Routine will help. So, for example choose one day a week, DH takes baby out and you play games with DS. Maybe he will complain a bit. But he will get used to it and the undivided time will help with that lost bond. It’s exactly the same as my 2 year old complaining about putting his gloves on each time. I don’t dwell on it and say ‘oh well, he will never wear gloves’ I calmly reinforce it - we can’t play outside if you don’t wear gloves, your hands will be cold etc etc. eventually he wears them and it gets easier the next time. Until he doesn’t question it anymore and actually asks me to wear them! I get that this example isn’t so emotive as it’s not preferring one person over the other, but the solution is the same.

Similar experience here although different reasons. DS went through a long stage of really not liking DH.
DS is very much and still is to an extent for me his mum. He was also did not like and was jealous of his older sister. I think as DD went to school and DH worked shifts DS got use to it being the two of us a lot. He wanted me for everything but for some reason this turned into a disliking for DH.
It was really hard he would constantly say I don't like/love Daddy only Mummy etc. He would go mad if DH did anything for him at all. At first we were too reactive to it and almost went over the top with DH trying to win him back round. It went on along time but really peaked when DS was 3.
In the end we realised the best thing we could do was ignore it and try to be as normal as possible. So DH was as loving and nice as he is naturally with DD and DS without trying too hard or making it a thing. We ignored the comments and actually went with him wanting me to do everything without a fuss. DH did start to try to do little activities that I don't do with DS to see if he would join him. For example DS loves construction stuff so DH would 'fix' things around the house and ask DS to help.
Anyway whilst DS does still favour me things have slowly improved. DS sometimes even gives DH a hug goodbye when he is going to work! I do think these things can take longer than you think.

OP, if your husband brought home a second wife, would you be a mite pissed off? Might you bear a grudge?

You baby thought he was your world. Then, from his point of view, you replaced him. With someone who demands a lot of your attention.

You are the adult in this situation. Continue to love your child and be the mum he thought he had - that's who you are. Don't get bitter and peevish because of a tiny child's lack of understanding that you can love more than one person at once. Reassure him. Find time to be alone with him. If he rejects you, don't be put off. Understand it.

Op, there is a book by Stephen Biddulph called Raising Boys, it explains a lot of stuff in how they think and behave that may help you to understand what it is going on and that it may have nothing to do with you or new baby. 🙂

Absolutely right!!

BTW - It's a wonderful Life is one of my favourite films :)

@Notsureaboutitall hope you are feeling okay - you’ve been given a tough ride here
this post stood out to me. Your DS shouldn’t be allowed to choose. It’s not fair on him. You and DH need to be united in taking it in turn which child you put to bed, read stories to, etc. I would also recommend (as per a pp) making time once a week to go out and do something just you and DS.

You said somewhere your first was a covid baby, that you had other difficulties and you only had an 'ok' relationship before the new baby. Is it possible that you have bonded better with the second child as it has been a better situation this time. Perhaps you had some PN depression first time around that you haven't had this time which is still affecting the way you feel about your first child? He would pick up on this even if you don't realise. Perhaps you are pushing your older child away without realising and you are not choosing him rather than him not choosing you. If what I have said is at all possible then some counselling about what you went through when your first was a baby and how you feel now would go a long way to help.

aawww.thats crappy-Nobody likes to feel rejected.your the adult-sorry.its on you/never mind accept it-tho dini think "fight it" likely to work.you find way. to be honest....(as a middle child) the oldest is naturally "more independant" whatchu do now defo matters. you NEED 1-1 with oldest.swimming might be a plan.?

He is obviously young and you are not acting like a grown up or a parent.

You create the good relationship with your children, start working on it!

He is only 3 and it has only been a year so I think you are catastrophising in saying you will not have a great relationship with him. Kids are fickle and swap favourites all the time. Do you make an effort to spend some time just with him and let your DH look after the baby?

With kindness - you are really over thinking this. My 3 year old told me today he liked chocolate more than mummy… he’s 3.

It natural when you have a 2nd and actually when I had my 3rd as well that as you are pretty consumed with the baby the older ones spend more time with their dad. I actually love that my husband has close relationships with all the boys. For first year of each of them I don’t think he did as I breastfed so they were permanently stuck to me.

wait until they are teenagers saying that they hate you and slamming doors! You’re his mum, he loves you. Just play with him and give him attention as much as you can. Make a point of saying - baby is asleep you’ve got me all to yourself etc

You g children can be stuck in their routines, he doesn’t necessarilly ‘prefer’ his Dad doing things like bedtime/ bath time etc but if you’ve been busy with the baby and the hinge have fallen to his dad thats what he’ll be used to and he ill resist if suddenly the baby is less needy and you can start doing those things again.

The best way to build up the bond is to start doing the things you used to do again whilst his dad spends time with the baby even if he protests, even if he tantrums and asks for daddy etc. Take it in turns with his dad and he will realise his dad isn’t the default parent and will come to accept you doing those things again and eventually to enjoy you doing them. If currently every time he protests and says he wants daddy you swap out then of course it isn’t changing, he’s little more than a toddler you can’t expect him to do any of the hard work in terms of changing the situation you need to do it. Take him out one-on-one and leave his dad with the baby even if you know it would be easier in the short term for you to take the baby and DH to take your DS, in the long term this is the only way you’ll change things.

I wouldn't give him the option. (And, yes I have my own three year old so I know what they're like!)

If it's too hard to get him out, I would just say, "DH is taking baby for a walk now." (Obviously with your DH's prior agreement!) They go out for half an hour or so and you play/ read/ whatever with DS. And you haven't had to drag a protesting DS out of the house (this is an option too of course, I'm just suggesting a way round it!)

How are the baby's naps? Can you give him some one to one time then?

Hi

Your son is 3 years old. I know that he seems absolutely huge compared to the newborn, but he isn't, he is 3.
Kids go through phases as to who they prefer. His nose has been put out of joint and the centre of his world has now become the centre of a small baby's world.

When I was a baby, I was adopted at almost a year old. My new mum decided that because I wasn't cuddly, that I didn't like her. The fact was I had met her once, maybe twice before she took me home, and I was traumatised. She took it as rejection and reverted to task based parenting. That is what prevented our relationship form bonding and fractured our future relationship. Not the fact that I appeared avoidant of her after a huge change and trauma, but the fact that she felt rejected and so simply emotionally gave up on having a close relationship with me. I don't feel like I ever had a mother or maternal love, and it did me enormous harm.

It is too easy to accept rejection because it makes life temporarily easier. You have to fight for him for the sake of his happiness now and as an adult. You don't get to just assume he doesn't like you and opt out of this fight.

Ask your DH to look after the baby more. Tell your DS that you love him and have really missed doing things alone with him. Do things with him. If he sulks or flares at you, carry on anyway. Acknowledge to him that he may be sad with mummy because mummy spent a lot of time with the new baby and that you understand that didn't feel good. Build up trust again.

I would think of something he really enjoys doing like going to the park or playing Lego, painting or whatever and set aside an hour or so to just have one on one time and arrange for your DH or someone else to have the baby. My DGDs were constantly rejecting my DD in favour of her DH but they no longer do that. It is just a phase. I know it's hurtful but you have to brush off his rejection and show him you care enough to keep trying.