To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

OP, my DH always says that his first DS seemed to struggle when his second DS was born, and switched from being a real mummy’s boy to a real daddy’s boy... However, both are now late teens and very close to both parents. You’re right that it might not happen, but however hurtful it is atm, three is still quite little. And a year isn’t (really) that long. I’m not meaning to be dismissive — but do want to give you hope that all four of you will settle into a new normal and all find a way of being happy/okay together.

You are in the trenches with a little baby and a three year old, about 30 months between our and I recall how tough it is dealing with so many different needs. I bet you’re exhausted and it’s easy to start feeling bad about yourself. Of course he needs you, of course you will have a good relationship. Just because he’s enjoying being with his dad doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you however it comes across. The thing is to keep making time to do things alone with him, telling him how much you enjoy playing a big boy game of snap or whatever because you can’t do that with the baby etc. It’s a phase. It could all change tomorrow. Just make sure you’re always welcoming to him. Ask him to help you, pass the changing bag etc and praise him to the skies and make it fun.

Have only read page 1 but could have written it.
Dd1 is now 33, Dd2 30.
It never got any better. Dd1 still resents Dd2 and our relationship is still difficult and strained because of it. If I'm brutally honest,we dislike each other. Such is life. You dont get to choose your family.

OP on one hand I’m laughing at the fact he’s only 3, but on the other hand you sound tired, upset and desperate. My son went through this phase at that age, he used to throw himself on the doormat sobbing when my husband left the house and gave him a hero’s welcome home again. Every day. I was a SAHM and doing it all, including dealing with a difficult baby. Hurt himself, where’s daddy. Over tired, where’s daddy. Hungry, I want daddy to make it. Shoes on, daddy has to help. Always bloody daddy. It was quite mentally exhausting and a struggle at times and I probably had the same thoughts as you.

Then he started school and it flipped the other way.

It will be ok, it’s just a phase, it won’t last forever I promise you… now get some sleep 💐

I think it might be you not reading the thread?

People with considerably more parenting experience than you have repeatedly told you kindly that this is most likely just a phase, not 'forever' and that your negative feelings may actually indicate a need for support from a professional or possibly medication.

But despite the considerable goodwill you've been shown, you seem completely unwilling to engage with any possibility other than that your very young son has settled on a parental preference that is - in your view - increasingly set in stone.

You haven't engaged with positive alternative possibilities or strategies to shift things, but have become increasingly defensive and focused on 'how poorly you're being treated' by a few people, and are now simply saying you will disengage completely rather than consider that you might be wrong in your view.

I think you need to recognise that this defensiveness and disengagement is actually another sign that you're depressed or mired in a negative mindset that would really benefit from help from a therapist.

It's a shame if you flounce the thread because you don't like the tone of the replies, but might there be something in that? Some of us have been there and it wasn't the disaster you lay out for yourself so might be worth swallowing your pride and listening?

I remember my 3 y/o DS asked to go and live with my neighbour

I'd just had DC2 and my neighbour helped me out so much. Her house was the fun house where he could play with her DC, watch TV, run around in their beautiful garden. She was like an auntie to him.

I can't deny it stung at the time even if I can laugh about it now. He's upper secondary now and we are very close. Once DC2 was up on her feet the two of them were inseparable. Give it time

So do something about it … like …?

Get someone to look after baby while you go to a fun activity with ds, something you both do —- messy art, swimming, anything child centred he’ll enjoy but you do it too. If you can’t go out to an activity do it at home with your mum/sister/friend taking baby to theirs.
Take ds to the supermarket , with or without baby, you need his help , get him to choose and find stuff, put it in the trolley. Get him to help you with other tasks he’ll find interesting —planting seeds, potting plants, even banging nails into wood (dgs favourite activity at 3)
Small children are quite straightforward — you had to feed/calm/bath baby so he went to dad. He doesn’t see it as like and dislike his parents.

@Notsureaboutitall you seem to be being unnaturally hard on yourself about this. He doesn't hate you. Have you discussed the possibility of PND with anyone (mine wasn't diagnosed until dc was 11 months).

Mine went through phases of preferring one over the other of us, I think it's relatively normal.

To me it sounds like it's all about the adults and their feelings. She said they both have a child each now so that's sorted isn't it. It's very easy to have one on one time but it's even easier to look for excuses and make yourself into a helpless victim rather then to be an actual responsible parent and do whatever it takes to prioritise your child.

I'm shocked by the lack of self awareness on OP's part and I think that's why she's getting so many angry responses. If she showed any concerns for wellbeing of her first child and was willing to actually do the work rather then making it all about her, poor helpless, dramatic her, then people would be much more understanding and supportive.

Toddlers often go through stages ot playing favourites or struggling with arrival of new siblings and while it's definitely difficult for the parents I have never seen someone actually writing off the relationship with their 3 year old because of that.

Yep. I have a 3 year old and yes they can be a pain at times but I can’t imagine talking about him with such indifference. Will be giving him an extra cuddle tomorrow when he wakes up.

Ffs people!!! The OP is clearly struggling and having a hard time!!! Stop being so bloody horrid! Why do these sorts of threads become a massive pile on!!!

GROW THE HELL UP THE LOT OS YOU!!!

Rather than rant at her about what a shit job you think she's doing why not be helpful and offer practical ways of helping?
Why not offer suggestions about how ahead can make 1-1 time easier?

Op, it's tough. I'm kind of in the same boat. Ds1 (now 3.5) wanted me for everything to the extent he wouldn't let dad put him to bed at all, it was a nightmare so I just did it all the time. Ds2 came along, bed sharing and breastfeeding (he's 1 next week) and I felt like ds1 didn't like me anymore. It made me so sad but I've been doing the following...

• whenever I say something about ds2 "oh he's so cute", saying something about ds1 too.
• ds2 has been getting a little jealous of ds1 so in the rare moments ds1 was coming over for cuddles (he's not very cuddly in general), I was saying "ds2 you'll need to wait, ds1 is my baby too".
• telling DS2 loudly "no ds2, I'm with ds1 just now. I'll be with you in a minute"
• when he picks daddy for bed, even though I feel a bit rejected, I put on a big smile and say "ok darling, I love you so much have a lovely sleep" give him a cuddle.
• when he comes home from nursery, I emphasise how much I missed him, that I can't wait to hear about his day. I make sure ds2 is occupied so I can give him my full attention.
• one on one time, this can be difficult as it's just me and DH. Our families are far away. But I'm trying. We went to the library this week, picked books and read them together. He loved it.
• telling him how much ds2 loves him, that he's a great big brother (to be fair, he's always loved his little brother, so we haven't had issues there).

Keep preservering. Your boy knows you love him and you can always repair the bond.

His behaviour is normal. Yours is not.

Either read and understand that the posts you don't like are likely from parents who have been through what you are going through and are out the other side, or flounce and keep upsetting yourself.

But you need to accept that your perspective on this is completely skewed and not at all based in reality.

I came to this thread to say don’t lose hope when they have their own children etc etc . I was absolutely sure you were talking about teen/ young adult 🤣
We had a stage around 4y.o. when I was so stressed and impatient and nervous due to lots of difficulties and DD’s additional needs that she preferred Dad 100%. I was so cross!!! Well just in a few years when his situation at work changed and he became more stressed and busy etc and I became more confident and calm I couldn’t shift DD even for a half an hour!
I think sometimes Mum does more routine parenting when Dad does playing and exciting reading and this gives wrong impression to children. I think the only way is for Dad to be more excitedly busy with baby to give you chance to spend time with DS.

You say the more DH does for him the less he wants you. Time for DH to stop doing things for him and let you take over for a bit. DH can do some valuable bonding with the baby while you and DS reconnect. I said it before, you can't let DS dictate to you like this. You're letting him have too much power. He's three. Tell him Daddy's looking after the baby so he's got you instead. I know it hurts if he keeps saying he wants daddy instead, but he will get over it in time. You haven't said anything about your husband's involvement in this situation. He needs to be backing you up and telling DS that he is looking after the baby so mummy will be putting him to bed. You're supposed to be a team.

Ok first of all speak to the GP because it sounds like you had a raging case of PND with your first and still do now.

Secondly, take your oldest child out for the day and do some nice things, go swimming together and so on. It's up to you to build a loving relationship, not him.

I dont think OP has helped herself with what shes been replying,

So many people have offered support and ideas and she just seems intent on looking at the negative of it all.

Ultimately, OP is the only one who can change her relationship with her child and if she isnt willing to put in the energy and just keep making excuses then people are going to get annoyed. Saying its impossible to spend time 1-1 with her child. I was/am a single mum and I have always managed to spend some one to one time with both of mine, it was difficult and draining but it was doable

I think you should request a visit from your health visitor to discuss this before the way you perceive him really does damage your relationship with him irretrievably.

My DS1 was v put out when I had DS2. We've had years of me steadily trying to bond with DS1, and he is now old enough to see that I'm trying to reach out to him (he's 13). I do think he appreciates the effort and that making it is better than not making it. It is v hard work though.

Good luck 💐

This happened to me too with my eldest when I had another baby. Don't worry, it sorted itself out once the intensity between me and the baby subsided a bit when he was around 18m (stopped breastfeeding, baby got a bit older and a bit less obsessed with me, could be left with Dad / others) We have a good relationship again now. Assuming your child is still very young, just remember they are little and try not to hold it against them, this is probably mostly in your head. It will get better. The early years are hard x

This post gives excellent advice. Can you follow some of these suggestions, @Notsureaboutitall? Anything you can do to strengthen your bond and attachment with your DS will be a step in the right direction.

I think one of the most important thing you can do for kids as a parent is to never take anything they say or do personally. This isn't personal OP, he's responding to the situation he finds himself in. Things will change again as he gets older and his sibling becomes less dependent on you.

I really feel for you OP. We had this the opposite way. When I had my second (22 months apart) my eldest ONLY wanted me. I am not saying this to make you feel bad-this is going somewhere.

I really struggled with being the ONLY person either child wanted. So my husband and I agreed and we have religiously stuck to alternating bedtime. The full thing- teeth, pj's, book ,cuddle, lights out. We have had years of them resisting my husband's turn (they are now 6 and 4) but we stuck to it and still do. I know my husband would often feel bad at the howls of "I just want mummy' but we have stuck to this religiously as a team. It suits both of us. I struggle being the default parent and he didn't want to end up as the sidelined parent by default.

My daughter has just turned 6 and is now starting to say she doesn't mind who does X,Y or Z for her. So today we visited grandparents and as we were sitting down for lunch she said she just wanted either me or her dad sitting beside her.

It has been tough to get to this stage. 6 will seem ages away if your eldest is 3. But, as they say and which is true, "this too will pass'. In my experience, this is a long term goal and, much as it seems like it just now, one year is not long enough to come to any conclusions. Your 3 year old is still so young. You have their whole childhood still ahead.

Best of luck.

OP, we have kids the same age I think. My elder is 3 younger is 10 months. This is a really difficult age gap, and it manifests in different ways with the 3 year old. I feel like my worth as a parent is defined by how my 3 year old behaves, feels about me, what she eats, what kind of mood she's in. I have this guilt about the second that I've not managed to shift yet, it's a transition period and you're still very much in it. Just go through the motions until you find your way. 3 year olds are fucking crazy. Of course he loves you, and of course you'll have a good relationship. This bit is so so hard xx