To just accept I’m not going to have a very good relationship with one of my children?

[Notsureaboutitall]

My first child and I had an OK relationship until I had another baby. He loved me until that point and favoured me over and above his dad. Had the second baby and that was it. We’re nearly a year down the line, he still wants his dad and not me, he often doesn’t even acknowledge me when I speak to him, I just really lost my temper with him and I don’t feel great about it but I don’t know what the hell else to do to be honest.

I hate to say it but I’m just so worn down with it and I think I need to just accept he and I don’t really get on. It’s horrible but maybe it’s more common than we think. I know when I was growing up my brother tended to gravitate towards my mum and I to my dad so maybe it’s a thing, I’m not sure.

I see where you're coming from, it's so hard to balance the needs of DC1 when DC2 is a newborn and essentially needs you more.

I went on Mumma-daughter dates with DC1 when I could, so my OH would have baby for a few hours and DC1 then had my full attention and it really helped.

Take any opportunity you can, when baby naps, spend time with DC1, do their favourite things with them, include Dad to start and slowly let Dad leave the activity until it's just you two.

My kids are 5 and 3 now and they often switch between team Mum and Dad, they usually pick the same team too.. fun. It's always a battle.

Just keep your head up OP, it can be heartbreaking and soul destroying, but also when you take yourself out of that frame of mind, it's better. Lots of love x

Grow up, make an effort (beyond cooking for him and buying him toys and feigning "but how?!" when 1 on 1 time is suggested) and stop being a bit pathetic. This is really very sad. You're giving up on your child here whether or not you want to realise that. And that’s kind?

It does make me laugh though. All these angry posts swearing at me really help, don’t they? All they make me do is hide the thread (which I’m doing now 👍🏻) so unfortunately I won’t see the handful of posts that actually WERE helpful!

Or you could just choose to read them anyway

That's all normal stuff at the age of three 🤣 don't worry OP, he will be friends again with you soon enough. This honestly is just a phase they can go through. He still needs you. Just carve out one to one time with your eldest. Build it into his routine.

OP. Take back control.
He doesn't need punishing, he needs to know you still love him and want to spend time with him.
Pick something really good, that he will absolutely love, train museum or play park with animals or whatever, pack a picnic of his favourite snacks/lunch and take him out for the day. Give him a day each week, where it's you and him doing "big boy" things. Cinema, soft play anything that you think he will love. It doesn't have to do super duper expensive even a forest walk with big searching or looking for gruffalo with a hot chocolate and a cake at the end for one week, home cinema with snacks and a film on painting, when DH takes baby's out for an hour, he will love it if he gets a chance to use his imagination and BE WITH YOU. Your baby is old enough to go without breastmilk now and your DH will manage.
Also, share the bedtimes with your DH.
Your son is 3, it's not his responsibility to be able to manage his feelings and emotions, he can't do it and it's not reasonable to expect it from him. And please please please, go to the GP.

Oh I've read the thread. And I am being kind. With each post you sound more and more like someone who wants a pat on the back and told that's alright chicken, give up on your son.

But this sticks out:

"But I thought he’d ’come back’ in a sense - he hasn’t."

Respectfully, have you come back? From where you are now to who you were before the second baby?

Anyway, as I thought might happen, you've flounced when it got harder to explain yourself.

I think you sound a bit like you may have some PND Op. sorry if that’s not the case but I find that I react to things in the way you seem to be when I am suffering. Do you think that’s possible? Hope you are ok

1. Stop victimising - he's only 3.
2. It sounds like you resent him/don't like him.
3. 3 year olds are a pain in the arse
4. Be kind to yourself.
5. You are the parent. Teach him manners, talk to him.
6. Love without expecting love in return. He's a child. He doesn't know what love is.
7. Don't give up

Xxx

How is this type of post helpful??

As I said, 10 to 15 mins of reading to him each day is a great way to build connection and is not difficult to do. Send your partner to the library for books geared to 3 year olds if you don’t have any around at home.

DS may suddenly decide he wants me rather than dad but the more his dad does for him the more he wants his dad

Children do go through stages of seeming to prefer one parent over the other and this can happen more than once, but I think you’ve given part of the answer above: his dad does more with him and then that’s become a bit of a vicious circle in that his dad does more so he sees him as the caregiver so rejects other help in favour of his dad - then his dad does everything and…round and round it goes.

It’s hard with two children, but you can re-establish your relationship with your son by getting your DS to back off a bit and take over the baby. If DS objects, it’s only because he’s now used to relying on his dad, so you and he need to make an excuse: “Sorry, DS. I’m doing X with baby. Mummy will take you to the park”. Do this for almost everything for a few weeks and you’ll find DS will look to you more. If DS shouts at you or rejects you, eg at bedtime, your DH needs to make clear he’s not available and he’s not pleased with DS’s behaviour.

Imagine being this stroppy and defeatist over a 3 year old? A baby! My heart breaks for the little mite.

Think you need a bit of resilience therapy OP or the ‘I hate you’ years are going to hit you hard.

He’s 3, he’s so young. Like someone else said, you could do with some help from professionals. I’m sorry but you just sound really heartless like you don’t really like your son. I hope you are just tired and get through this because in all honesty you sound really blasé about your 3 year old. I feel quite sorry for him.

Things will get better. My eldest is 17 and there were times I thought she'd never get over me having a second when she was 2.
We have a closer relationship now than we've ever had. I won't lie, it took a long time to get to this point and a lot of work on my part but was so worth it.
I now have a 3 year old too and my 15 year old is absolutely brilliant with him (as is 17 year old)but it took a long while for me to repair my relationship with her too. It was harder for her as she couldn't even admit to being jealous.
You have to spend time with him. If he wants DH to bathe him for example then let him but join him too
Try and get reconnected with him.

My three are grown up and have constantly switched favourites - still do! This year ds2 is talking more to his dad and ds3 more to me, last year it was the other way round.

Perhaps to give a well deserved kick up the backside and stop wallowing, and start parenting.

Hi OP, sorry you're having a hard time. I had a really difficult time too balancing the needs and feelings of my first and second at that age despite doing all the 'right' things so big hugs to you. I'd say that although a year is a long time to experience rejection from your child it's not really a long time in terms of your first child adapting to your second. The younger one goes through so many developments in the first year (sitting up, solids, moving around more) and each time it's like there's a whole new different person for the older one to cope with. For us things got a lot easier once my younger one was 2.5/3 as then the two children could play together more and be more like playmates than competitors iyswim and everything was more stable. I know that might feel a long way off but just to reassure you that this pattern doesn't have to be set as the relationship between the siblings will really change and that will change the whole family dynamic. The other thing is that I know what you mean about your child preferring daddy and that being self reinforcing - I think sometimes it's necessary to not really allow the child a choice about whether it's mum or dad who does things even if they have a tantrum because if they feel it's something they have control over, that can be unsettling for them and they will ask for more and more control over that choice, kind of looking for someone to say no if you see what I mean. Just some thoughts based on my own experience of these kind of difficulties - just ignore if they're not helpful! Big hugs, look after yourself xx

Things will change many times as he finds his way, when he starts school, when he plays sports, when he has friendship problems, when he goes through puberty or has issues and you'll be there through all of that, time and time again.

He won't remember the time his brother was born but he'll remember the whole picture and how if you treat them well as individuals but with equal love and support and respect and encouragement to help him grow into the best young man he can be and bring him up well, that's the mum he will always love and have fond childhood memories with.
Yes there will be tough bits but you push through and right now he's feeling rejected but he's struggling with that emotion because he's young and he doesn't know how to deal with it so you need to reassure him and help him to adjust.

We had a similar situation but the other way around with my DD refusing to go near DH from the age of about 18 months. There wasn't another baby that prompted it, but her behaviour towards him changed. She would scream if he came near her and flinch if he touched her.

I understand that 1:1 time is going to be tricky at first, but this is what you need to do. You need to rebuild that bond - find your connections with him again.

It will also pass. We researched a lot into this as no one we knew went through it, and it can be a very normal part of a child's development- literally them showing you they can make choices. What you mustn't do, as hard as it is is take it personally. Just continue to stay positive and living and make time to be with DS1 as much as you can.

There are way around this, you could take him out? Leave the baby at home with dad and your and your 3yo go to the park together or soft play or something like that, or get someone to come and pick the baby up for an hour and you and your son just spend some time playing with his toys, watching a movie, baking or something like that?

It will get better, he doesn't dislike you - he's just being 3 💐

I know you've said you are going to hide the thread so you may not see this but if you do maybe think about all the responses you've had suggesting you spend regular one on one time with him, and consider whether it might be worth a try.

@Notsureaboutitall to be honest it sounds like maybe the two of you haven't completely bonded to the degree you both need and need a lot more time one on one together. Can you arrange some fun activities just the two of you and DH watch the baby? Like get out of the house completely and actually have fun (go to the zoo, park, get ice cream etc) Have you had post natal depression with either of them? Were you sleep deprived a lot? You are, underneath it all, craving a deeper connection or you wouldn't feel so defeated and put out.

It IS an age and stage thing, but also trauma, depression, illness, lack of sleep can all affect our relationship and bond with our children.

I haven’t RTFT but I have read the OP’s posts.

I am shocked at the coldness and the willingness to give up on a three year old. Do you not like this child? Sounds as if you prefer the baby.

Ypu can choose to spend one to one time with him. Someone else can mind the baby.

Children go through phases and from an early age can pick up if someone doesn’t like them.

It’s totally up to you, as the parent and the adult, to handle this.

I don’t understand why you can’t have 1 to 1 time with him. Do you do his bedtime?